Exhibit 0042

Trump Vindicated by Still Being Wrong About Wiretapping

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. World News Politics puts a pair of quotation marks at the beginning of its patently false statement, without inserting another pair at the end, either (a) in a vain attempt to add a hint of validity to something that no reasonable human being ever would have actually said, or (b) because it’s hard to find a good English teacher in Macedonia.

3. The “official House investigation” (we use two pairs of quotation marks here to attribute this typically imprecise reference to World News Politics, and also to highlight what a total joke the House Intelligence Committee’s Russia inquiry has become) did not confirm that wiretapping “happened on” President Trump (or “Donald J. Trump,” as WNP prefers to call him, in order to make sure that no one mistakenly believes it’s talking about some other chief executive of the United States who claimed to have been illegally wiretapped without a shred of evidence). Rather, the Committee explosively revealed that its obsequious Republican Chairman, Devin Nunes, obtained some information, from somewhere, indicating that someone’s communications about something may have been somehow intercepted via some form of surveillance upon some other individuals sometime in the past few months by some government agency for some undisclosed reason not related to the subject investigation.

4. Full details inside what? Does World News Politics think this is a magazine cover?

5. The Democrats must be embarrassed that President Trump’s baseless claims remain entirely unsubstantiated.

C. THE IMAGE

6. President Trump, pushing his way through the imaginary crowd at his inauguration.

7. Trump always extends his hands toward the camera to make them appear larger than Marco Rubio’s.

8. No wedding ring — it must be Ivanka’s night.

9. Deep breaths, World News Politics … it’s only Day 65. Save some of your giant neon green font for impeachment. 

D. THE HEADLINE

10. We doubt that people have stopped everything they’re doing in, say, Equatorial Guinea, to follow the latest flailing Republican effort to cover Trump’s ass. But it’s certainly not for lack of hilariously over-the-top hype. The linked article shouts from atop Mount Olympus: “WOW, this is huge!!! All Trump claims happened to be true! Obama should rot in jail for this!!! Oh god, this is a political earthquake! This is epic shock for everybody! Trump is right once more time [sic], again!!! He is the best president we ever had! God Bless America!”

11. Within the universal laws of time and space commonly referred to as “reality,” Congressman Nunes did not validate Trump’s claim that his “phones” or “wires” were tapped, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping occurred just before the 2016 presidential election, did not validate Trump’s claim that former President Obama ordered wiretapping, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping occurred at Trump Tower, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping “found nothing,” did not validate Trump’s claim that Obama is a “bad (or sick) guy,” did not validate Trump’s claim that he is a victim of “McCarthyism,” and did not validate Trump’s claim that the prior administration was involved in a scandal equivalent to “Nixon/Watergate.” In fact, even after his cryptic announcement that he’d learned of “alarming” new facts about surveillance, Nunes reiterated that he’s still seen no evidence to suggest that Trump’s wiretapping allegations are true — which, of course, they’re not. So the whole world will have to start up again. We apologize for any inconvenience.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 3/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0041

Trump Saves Israel by Failing to Block Aid to Palestinians

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Given that this spiteful, immature clown was born into great wealth, made gobs more money mismanaging socially irredeemable companies, and somehow became President of the United States, it would seem that God has already blessed Donald Trump enough to make believers seriously consider switching their allegiance to Satan.

C. THE IMAGE

3. President Trump, pretending to look like a strong, determined leader in an official photo before heading off to Mar-a-Lago for a round of golf with Tim Allen.

4. The remaining three-quarters of Trump’s signature red tie hangs down to his knees.

5. While Trump was getting his picture taken, British secret agents hired by Barack Obama installed a hidden camera in the White House kitchen’s microwave oven.

D. THE HEADLINE

6. Conservative Army is literally having an orgasm over its own fake news story.

7. The list of Israeli saviors now includes Moses, David, and the former host of “Celebrity Apprentice.”

8. Trump’s “one move” was to order the U.S. State Department to review a $221 million foreign aid disbursement to the Palestinians issued in the waning days of the Obama Administration. Although the linked article describes the grant as a “massive payment from the White House to [the] Palestinian government,” none of the money, which was approved by Congress, went directly to the Palestinian Authority. Rather, it was allocated to various infrastructure, health, education, and recovery programs in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, and also to paying back Israeli creditors.

9. According to the barely coherent article, Trump is “THE BEST” because he “stopped” the $221 million payment, which “is clearly against Israel [sic] interests and demands.” As it turns out, however, the payment actually was released before Trump took office and could not be rescinded. So, in a sense, Trump took decisive action for Israel; but in another, more accurate sense, he did absolutely nothing.

E. THE NUDGE

10. If Conservative Army loves Trump so much, why doesn’t it marry him? Or at least let him grab it by the pussy?

11. Israel must be grateful to President Trump for saving it “form it is” enemies, which evidently include Israeli banks. Maybe next year he’ll outdo himself by mentioning the Jews on Holocaust Remembrance Day.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0040

Daddy-Daughter Dates Definitely Aren’t Sexist or Weird

Irate Feminist

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. A feminist (male or female) is someone who supports the idea that women should have the same political, social, and economic rights as men. When not calling attention to such issues as gender restrictions, sexual harassment, or the pay gap, feminists are no more or less fun-loving than anyone else. Just because feminists are interested in an unpleasant topic doesn’t mean they “hate fun.” Otherwise, you could just as easily say the same about oncologists, or Philadelphia 76ers fans. Nevertheless, employing 40-year-old stereotypes that are meaningless to its purported target audience, Chicks on the Right ridicules feminists as angry “Gloria Steinem-ites” favoring “bra-burning and hairy armpits.” Conversely, COTR’s hip, “made-over” female conservative writers describe themselves as “stiletto-and-Sephora-wearing, hardworking chicks” who “don’t mind a great dirty joke, like men who hold the door open for us, and don’t FLIP THE FREAK OUT if they sneak a peek as we’re walking by.” You’ve come a long way, baby.

C. THE IMAGE

3. Stock photo of a woman (not the blogger pilloried in the article) who fits Chicks on the Right’s conception of what a feminist looks like. Evidently the giveaway is that she has brightly colored hair and a bitchy expression on her face; but for all we know she’s an irritated Trump voter in central Pennsylvania railing against Obamacare on her way to church.

D. THE HEADLINE

4. The proper term would be “feminist” hosebeasts. It’s official: Chicks on the Right hates grammar. For those not fully versed in misogynistic slang, Urban Dictionary defines a “hosebeast” as “a woman who is ruthless, evil, and outright objectionable in both physical and mental presence.” It also refers to a woman who frequently performs a certain act not typically associated with feminists. Despite COTR’s pluralization, only one such “ruthless, evil, and outright objectionable” woman is implicated here — blogger Elizabeth Broadbent, a homeschooling Catholic mother of three boys.

5. Broadbent (on behalf of her fellow hosebeasts) wrote that she was uncomfortable with the creepy sounding concept of “daddy-daughter dates” advocated by some Christian conservatives, in which a young girl gets prettied up and goes for a night out with her chivalrous father, so she can be treated “like a princess” as a kind of practice run for relationships with boys (and, you can be sure, only boys) her age when she’s older. Broadbent opined that, beyond the aforementioned creepiness, these “dates” serve to “enforce patriarchal notions of femininity,” earning the wrath of Chicks on the Right. In COTR’s indignant response, one of the suddenly not-so-laid-back Chicks calls women like Broadbent “hateful, arrogant, beastly hags” (apparently “hosebeasts” wasn’t descriptive enough) and accuses them of “breaking down the traditional family and the strong network for society that it’s been since the beginning of human history.” Yes, for thousands of years, fathers have been dressing up their young daughters, taking them to romantic dinners at Red Lobster, and posting weirdly fawning accounts of their evenings on the Internet. And sometimes a bit more than that, according to the Bible (see Genesis 19:30-38).

E. THE NUDGE

6. We’re not sure who Chicks on the Right thinks is doing the ranting here, but it’s not Broadbent, as can be ascertained from reading her thoughtful and even-keeled piece, no matter how many names she gets called. Too bad the Chicks’ own daddies didn’t teach them that insults are the least persuasive form of argument, and reveal more about the sender than the recipient.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 5/10 • Idiocy 4/10
Banality 4/10 • Vileness 7/10

Exhibit 0039

Toothless Trump Tweet Destroys Democratic Party

President Trump and Senator Schumer

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. USA Politics Today doesn’t seem to realize that “the Dems” it thinks it’s smacking down aren’t actually in the room … or reading this Facebook post … or aware that USA Politics Today exists. Maybe it needs some more of those attention-grabbing asterisks.

3. That is to say, via Twitter — the official communications medium of disappointed “Walking Dead” fans, drunk rappers, resentful stay-at-home moms, and the 45th President of the United States.

4. America is great again — capitalize any word you want.

5. So, President Trump is diverting his fleeting attention from the vitally important business of running the country to personally endeavor to get a random right-wing article vapidly praising his combative governance shared 950,000 times? We intended to make a joke about how absurd that is, but, honestly, the only implausible element is that Trump’s target is less than a million.

6. Remember to use two exclamation points, or President Trump will publicly accuse you of wiretapping his phones.

C. THE IMAGE

7. Donald Trump’s enormous head. It looks like a giant chunk of lightly breaded salmon.

8. The gayest picture USA Politics Today could find of Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer.

9. Photoshopped breasts protruding from Senator Schumer’s chest … or at least we, uh, hope they’re photoshopped.

D. THE HEADLINE

10. Okay, are you ready? The ONE WORD Trump called Senate Democrats that will ruin them forever is … “disgraceful.” Yes, there’s clearly no way they can ever recover from that. It’ll be an adjustment moving to a one-party system, but the Democrats can’t continue fielding candidates after Trump pointed out their disgracefulness. To be precise, the damning word was “disgrace,” which the President used to describe what the Democrats are doing, rather than the Democrats themselves. Tweeth Trump: “It is a disgrace that my full Cabinet is still not in place, the longest such delay in the history of our country. Obstruction by Democrats!” Remarkably, this pithy missive — which, in a first for Trump, occurred before midnight — does not contain a single misspelling, ridiculous conspiracy theory, or comment on the appearance of Ted Cruz’s wife. But lest anyone overlook the tweet’s monumental significance, the author of the linked article explains that the Democrats are now finished “because it’s their DISGRACEFUL tactics that make the American people distrust them so freaking much.” In other words, Trump saying that the Democrats’ actions are a disgrace will destroy them because they are so disgraceful. You can’t argue with logic.

E. THE NUDGE

11. USA Politics Today has a pretty low bar for what’s “totally freaking nuts.”

12. The post trails off with an oddly coy unfinished sentence — “Donald Trump has been president for … ” Come on, USA Politics — don’t leave us hanging. Alas, there’s no way to find out how long the pre-impeachment Trump presidency has lasted without reading the insipid article, unless you have access to a calendar and enough fortitude to count the days since our cherished democracy formalized the biggest blunder in its history. Pick your poison.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 6/10 • Idiocy 7/10
Banality 9/10 • Vileness 3/10

Exhibit 0038

Arkansas Representatives Boldly Choose American Law Over Sharia

Arkansas Representative and Protesting Muslim

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. All 13 of them.

3. What Arkansas — or, more precisely, the august Arkansas House of Representatives — proposes to “force” on Muslims is a measure requiring that state courts apply American law, as they have always done, except when applying Confederate law or Deuteronomy. There is absolutely no indication that any Muslim American unlucky enough to live in Arkansas favors a different legal system.

4. All the Arkansas House did was advance its patently unnecessary, hyper-pandering bill to the Senate, where it’s now under review. Nevertheless, getting 3,000 of Right Wing News’ paranoid, Islamophobic readers to agree with the idea of pushing back against an imaginary Razorback caliphate probably is an attainable goal.

C. THE IMAGE

5. Arkansas Representative Brandt Smith (R-Deplorable), sponsor of the proposed legislation, courageously defending the separation of non-Christian church and state.

6. Stock photo of agitated Muslim fanatic who clearly wants to kill us all.

7. Passage that might relate to Sharia law in a book that might be the Koran. It’s written in Arabic and a bearded guy wearing a turban is pointing at it — that’s good enough for Right Wing News.

D. THE HEADLINE

8. In a hearing on the bill, which does not expressly mention Sharia, Representative Smith acknowledged that he was unaware of a single instance in which an Arkansas court failed to apply U.S. or Arkansas law when rendering a decision. No matter, the bill passed the Arkansas House 63-24. The author of the linked article, who amusingly pretends to be an American despite likely residing in Eastern Europe, can’t understand why it wasn’t unanimous: “I don’t know what stupid people we have in this country that would vote against the AMERICAN COURTS USING AMERICAN LAWS? Must’ve been those moron liberals again. They’re always doing something completely backwards and illogical.” In a fun irony, however, it turns out that some conservative Christians opposed the legislation on the grounds that it might preclude use of the Ten Commandments.

E. THE NUDGE

9. You’ve gotta love the gratuitous parting shot at former President Obama — right-wing media misses him more than randomly capitalized words can say. But, yes, undoubtedly secret Muslim Obama is boiling mad about one half of the Arkansas state legislature passing a bill that, even if eventually enacted into law, will have no discernible effect other than memorializing its supporters’ pointless bigotry.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 10/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 7/10 • Vileness 8/10