Exhibit 0045

U.S. Neutralizes Russia by Sending Token Military Force to Poland

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. [Sigh …] No, it isn’t — unless you find ridiculously over-the-top exaggerations about the purported accomplishments of grossly incompetent, undemocratically-elected political leaders “amazing.”

3. Step aside, Abe Lincoln. Suck it, FDR. Donald Trump is the strongest president in U.S. history because he grudgingly approved a minor troop deployment to Eastern Europe in a symbolic attempt to gloss over his own indifference to Russian territorial expansion.

4. Surprisingly, on this occasion USA Politics Today has refrained from telling us how many hundreds of thousands of times we need to share its craptacular post in order to “send a message” to President Trump; but if we share it at all, we are deemed by virtue of USAPT’s clever hashtag translation to have formally acknowledged Trump’s unrivaled greatness, which may be used against us in a future legal action or divorce proceeding.

C. THE IMAGE

5. President Trump, carefully spelling out which methods of killing innocent babies will result in a U.S. missile strike, and which will not.

6. Trump’s elfin index finger is 1.8 inches long. No wonder Melania sleeps in her own bed.

D. THE HEADLINE

7. USA Politics Today hasn’t been this impressed by a presidential decision since Trump boldly used his 3-wood out of the rough at Mar-a-Lago last weekend.

8. Actually, President Trump (a.k.a. Defense Secretary Mattis) sent about 900 U.S. soldiers to northeastern Poland. The remainder of the multinational force consists of 150 British troops and 120 Romanians. Their official mission is to “deter aggression,” not “fight Russia.” But if a need to launch an attack arises, we’re sure that Trump will courteously call Putin an hour in advance to warn him.

9. Although this sounds like another vapidly asinine exclamation from a right-wing media site, it turns out to be a real quote from U.S. Army Lt. Colonel Steven Gventer, who heads the battle group. Which makes one wonder — are there situations in which our expensively equipped soldiers are only partially ready to be lethal? Or merely ready to be non-lethal? Regardless, the author of the linked article can’t contain his fabricated excitement, shouting out: “The world is going to be afraid from America again! We are going to be number one again! Trump will make America great! GOD BLESS AMERICA!” And God bless Poland, for believing it can count on Mr. Flexible to honor America’s international commitments when lethal-ready Russian tanks start massing on its borders.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 8/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0044

Comey Will Pay for Not Pretending Trump Was Wiretapped

President Trump and FBI Director James Comey

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. It’s not that FBI Director James Comey’s investigation of the Trump-Russia matter is over, or that his government career is over. It’s that, rather more ominously, James Comey, the person, is “over.” Sounds like something Vladimir Putin would say.

3. It’s hard to imagine that even President Trump’s most brainless supporters think this is really “the end,” unless we’re talking about the Rapture, which most of them believe is right around the corner.

4. It’s going to be tough for the media to cover up the complete cessation Comey’s existence as a corporal human being, but those liberal bastards at CNN will probably find a way.

5. We’re supposed to share this Macedonian clickbait 500,000 times? Guess we’d better put on another pot of coffee. We hope Drago and his enterprising friends at Veles High enjoy their new motor scooters.

6. Evidently “FIRE COMEY TRUMP!” is the only comment that meets USA Politics Today’s high rhetorical standards. And if you leave out that exclamation point, you’ll have to start your 500,000 shares all over again.

7. We’re sure President Trump isn’t going to allow his important decisions to be influenced by some dubious right-wing websi … uh … never mind. 

8. Is this a Facebook post or a homework assignment? How can we describe a bumbling, hand-wringing public servant whose obsessive preoccupation with his own reputation triggered a nationwide political catastrophe in only “2 word”? “Colossal fuck-up” just doesn’t seem to do it justice. Maybe someone should ask Hillary Clinton.

C. THE IMAGE

9. “High Energy” Donald Trump, displaying his laser-like focus and incredible stamina while waiting to receive stick figure illustrations of America’s health care system from Steve Bannon.

10. James Comey, revealing newly obtained evidence of his utter incompetence.

D. THE HEADLINE

11. Come on, USA Politics — can’t you show a little more feeling?

12. “Crawling on the floor” — sounds like Putin again. We won’t know for sure until we test Comey’s blood for polonium.

13. This probably comes as no surprise to our regular readers, but what Trump did to “destroy” Comey turns out to be … nothing. The linked article merely (and absurdly) contends that Comey perjured himself during his testimony before the House Intelligence Committee when he said there was no evidence to support President Trump’s claim that the Obama Administration wiretapped his phones at Trump Tower before the 2016 election. The article asserts that Comey lied to the Committee because its Chairman, Devin “Midnight Run” Nunes, “confirmed that President elect-Trump and his team were surveilled all the way until Inauguration Day,” even though, in actuality, Nunes did no such thing. The farthest the article goes in detailing retaliatory action by Trump is to predict that he’s “about to crush the damn Democrats into dust with this” and that “Obama is ruined.” However, according to our fact-checkers, Comey is neither a Democrat, nor Obama, and is still serving as head of the FBI, seemingly oblivious to his destruction. So, if we had to describe USA Politics’ post in two words, they would have to be “total bullshit.”

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 9/10
Banality 4/10 • Vileness 3/10

Exhibit 0043

Trump Silences Wiretapping Critics With Meaningless Sentence

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. The unrevealed surveillance revelation might be a bit more “shocking” if anyone other than Congressman Devin Nunes and his White House puppeteers knew what the fuck it actually was.

3. It’s not from “Congress.” It’s not from the House of Representatives. It’s not even from the House Intelligence Committee. It’s from Nunes, via the White House, via (probably) Electoral College President Donald Trump. Which means that Nunes urgently briefed Trump on information that Trump already knew but didn’t deem relevant enough to mention himself in his own defense when he was getting hammered for his asinine tweets about being secretly wiretapped by the prior administration for political gain. Or maybe he just couldn’t figure out a way to boil it down to 140 characters and work in additional commentary about “Sleepy Eyes” Chuck Todd or the Failing New York Times.

4. When a conservative media outlet geared toward bitter old white men says “dropped the mic,” it’s time for the rest of America to stop saying “dropped the mic.” Which is probably just as well, because it’s a pretty stupid expression anyway.

5. In case you’re wondering about Conservative Tribune’s linguistic evaluation criteria, the words are “perfect” because Trump said them, and because they’re actually part of the English language — regardless of the countervailing facts that only one is more than five letters long, and together they form a sentence that is utterly devoid of meaning. See below.

6. If you believe Conservative Tribune, liberals won’t be happy until drug-smuggling illegal immigrant welfare recipients take over the federal government and impose legislation mandating abortion clinics on every street corner not already occupied by a mosque and forcing Christians to eat erotically-themed cake at gay weddings held at reception halls with transgender bathrooms.

C. THE IMAGE

7. President Trump, announcing a temporary ban on governing until he figures out what the hell is going on.

D. THE HEADLINE

8. The wiretapping “truthbomb” is that there was no wiretapping as described in Trump’s tweets, which makes them false. Boom.

9. And now, without further ado, Trump’s “12 PERFECT words.” When asked by reporters how he felt about Nunes’ “new” information regarding surveillance, President Trump replied, “I very much appreciate the fact that they found what they found.” We’re as serious as a Russian opposition figure’s staged heart attack — that’s Trump’s rhetorical masterpiece. 12 words — count ’em — and, remarkably, not one is “Trump.” No doubt, from this moment forward, all Americans will recall where they were and what they were doing on the day that Donald Trump uttered a vacuous, self-referential statement about a purported discovery he refused to publicly divulge.

E. THE NUDGE

10. Pity unfortunate liberals, outfoxed by Trump once again. How can they possibly respond to Trump’s statement of appreciation for one of his congressional stooges obediently laundering intelligence from the White House that in no way vindicates his blatant and obvious lies? Maybe they should just pick up that mic and hand it to former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, since he’s suddenly eager to talk.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 9/10
Banality 4/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0042

Trump Vindicated by Still Being Wrong About Wiretapping

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. World News Politics puts a pair of quotation marks at the beginning of its patently false statement, without inserting another pair at the end, either (a) in a vain attempt to add a hint of validity to something that no reasonable human being ever would have actually said, or (b) because it’s hard to find a good English teacher in Macedonia.

3. The “official House investigation” (we use two pairs of quotation marks here to attribute this typically imprecise reference to World News Politics, and also to highlight what a total joke the House Intelligence Committee’s Russia inquiry has become) did not confirm that wiretapping “happened on” President Trump (or “Donald J. Trump,” as WNP prefers to call him, in order to make sure that no one mistakenly believes it’s talking about some other chief executive of the United States who claimed to have been illegally wiretapped without a shred of evidence). Rather, the Committee explosively revealed that its obsequious Republican Chairman, Devin Nunes, obtained some information, from somewhere, indicating that someone’s communications about something may have been somehow intercepted via some form of surveillance upon some other individuals sometime in the past few months by some government agency for some undisclosed reason not related to the subject investigation.

4. Full details inside what? Does World News Politics think this is a magazine cover?

5. The Democrats must be embarrassed that President Trump’s baseless claims remain entirely unsubstantiated.

C. THE IMAGE

6. President Trump, pushing his way through the imaginary crowd at his inauguration.

7. Trump always extends his hands toward the camera to make them appear larger than Marco Rubio’s.

8. No wedding ring — it must be Ivanka’s night.

9. Deep breaths, World News Politics … it’s only Day 65. Save some of your giant neon green font for impeachment. 

D. THE HEADLINE

10. We doubt that people have stopped everything they’re doing in, say, Equatorial Guinea, to follow the latest flailing Republican effort to cover Trump’s ass. But it’s certainly not for lack of hilariously over-the-top hype. The linked article shouts from atop Mount Olympus: “WOW, this is huge!!! All Trump claims happened to be true! Obama should rot in jail for this!!! Oh god, this is a political earthquake! This is epic shock for everybody! Trump is right once more time [sic], again!!! He is the best president we ever had! God Bless America!”

11. Within the universal laws of time and space commonly referred to as “reality,” Congressman Nunes did not validate Trump’s claim that his “phones” or “wires” were tapped, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping occurred just before the 2016 presidential election, did not validate Trump’s claim that former President Obama ordered wiretapping, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping occurred at Trump Tower, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping “found nothing,” did not validate Trump’s claim that Obama is a “bad (or sick) guy,” did not validate Trump’s claim that he is a victim of “McCarthyism,” and did not validate Trump’s claim that the prior administration was involved in a scandal equivalent to “Nixon/Watergate.” In fact, even after his cryptic announcement that he’d learned of “alarming” new facts about surveillance, Nunes reiterated that he’s still seen no evidence to suggest that Trump’s wiretapping allegations are true — which, of course, they’re not. So the whole world will have to start up again. We apologize for any inconvenience.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 3/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0041

Trump Saves Israel by Failing to Block Aid to Palestinians

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Given that this spiteful, immature clown was born into great wealth, made gobs more money mismanaging socially irredeemable companies, and somehow became President of the United States, it would seem that God has already blessed Donald Trump enough to make believers seriously consider switching their allegiance to Satan.

C. THE IMAGE

3. President Trump, pretending to look like a strong, determined leader in an official photo before heading off to Mar-a-Lago for a round of golf with Tim Allen.

4. The remaining three-quarters of Trump’s signature red tie hangs down to his knees.

5. While Trump was getting his picture taken, British secret agents hired by Barack Obama installed a hidden camera in the White House kitchen’s microwave oven.

D. THE HEADLINE

6. Conservative Army is literally having an orgasm over its own fake news story.

7. The list of Israeli saviors now includes Moses, David, and the former host of “Celebrity Apprentice.”

8. Trump’s “one move” was to order the U.S. State Department to review a $221 million foreign aid disbursement to the Palestinians issued in the waning days of the Obama Administration. Although the linked article describes the grant as a “massive payment from the White House to [the] Palestinian government,” none of the money, which was approved by Congress, went directly to the Palestinian Authority. Rather, it was allocated to various infrastructure, health, education, and recovery programs in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, and also to paying back Israeli creditors.

9. According to the barely coherent article, Trump is “THE BEST” because he “stopped” the $221 million payment, which “is clearly against Israel [sic] interests and demands.” As it turns out, however, the payment actually was released before Trump took office and could not be rescinded. So, in a sense, Trump took decisive action for Israel; but in another, more accurate sense, he did absolutely nothing.

E. THE NUDGE

10. If Conservative Army loves Trump so much, why doesn’t it marry him? Or at least let him grab it by the pussy?

11. Israel must be grateful to President Trump for saving it “form it is” enemies, which evidently include Israeli banks. Maybe next year he’ll outdo himself by mentioning the Jews on Holocaust Remembrance Day.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 2/10