Exhibit 0046

North Korea Infuriates Trump by Acting Same Way It Always Does

President Trump and Kim Jong Un

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. President Trump is so furious about North Korea that he jetted down to Palm Beach for another relaxing weekend of golf and groping at his Mar-a-Lago resort. Hopefully he won’t run into the health inspector.

3. We assume that when World News Politics makes mention of “our” country, it’s doing so figuratively, unless it’s referring to Macedonia.

4. That’s it — only 10,000 likes to support the United States of Trump when we’re teetering on the brink of pseudo-nuclear war? Just two installments ago we featured another ginned up missive from one of World News Politics’ partner fake news sites asking for 500,000 likes to support the firing of FBI Director Jim Comey. Guess the price of freedom is cheap after all.

5. Looks like World News Politics accidentally switched off all-caps for a second there, which nearly ruined the ambiance of its non-stop shouting. Luckily it compensated for its error by using five exclamation points at the end of the sentence.

C. THE IMAGE

6. President Trump, just one more bad poll result away from going MOAB on North Korea’s ass.

7. North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong Un, terrified by Trump’s tweets of mass destruction, also hungry for pie.

D. THE HEADLINE

8. Remember when alt-right conservatives wanted America to stay out of foreign conflicts? It was around the same time they believed that NATO was obsolete, thought China was a currency manipulator, and advocated raising interest rates.

9. What Kim did was threaten to go to war with the United States, which actually is pretty thinkable, since he’s done it every single day for the past five years.

10. If you bother to go to the linked article and make it past the giant anatomically-illustrated ad offering to share “1 crazy trick to fix your erectile dysfunction” (which reveals a lot about the target audience), you won’t find any evidence that President Trump is “furious,” or, indeed, any discussion of Trump’s emotional state whatsoever. The article doesn’t even directly quote Trump at all, instead inserting a video clip of a recent interview with the President about North Korea on the Fox Business Network, in which, if anything, he sounds unnaturally calm and dismissive (the clip’s YouTube title describes Trump as “coy”). When asked how the U.S. will respond to North Korea’s continued defiance, Trump simply shrugs and replies, “You never know, do you? You never know.” The article concludes rather incongruously, proclaiming that Trump has performed an Easter miracle by ending Kim’s rule in some unspecified way, and then warning that, if Kim conducts another nuclear test, it will result in “World War 3.” No exclamation point was deemed necessary.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 6/10
Banality 3/10 • Vileness 6/10

Exhibit 0045

U.S. Neutralizes Russia by Sending Token Military Force to Poland

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. [Sigh …] No, it isn’t — unless you find ridiculously over-the-top exaggerations about the purported accomplishments of grossly incompetent, undemocratically-elected political leaders “amazing.”

3. Step aside, Abe Lincoln. Suck it, FDR. Donald Trump is the strongest president in U.S. history because he grudgingly approved a minor troop deployment to Eastern Europe in a symbolic attempt to gloss over his own indifference to Russian territorial expansion.

4. Surprisingly, on this occasion USA Politics Today has refrained from telling us how many hundreds of thousands of times we need to share its craptacular post in order to “send a message” to President Trump; but if we share it at all, we are deemed by virtue of USAPT’s clever hashtag translation to have formally acknowledged Trump’s unrivaled greatness, which may be used against us in a future legal action or divorce proceeding.

C. THE IMAGE

5. President Trump, carefully spelling out which methods of killing innocent babies will result in a U.S. missile strike, and which will not.

6. Trump’s elfin index finger is 1.8 inches long. No wonder Melania sleeps in her own bed.

D. THE HEADLINE

7. USA Politics Today hasn’t been this impressed by a presidential decision since Trump boldly used his 3-wood out of the rough at Mar-a-Lago last weekend.

8. Actually, President Trump (a.k.a. Defense Secretary Mattis) sent about 900 U.S. soldiers to northeastern Poland. The remainder of the multinational force consists of 150 British troops and 120 Romanians. Their official mission is to “deter aggression,” not “fight Russia.” But if a need to launch an attack arises, we’re sure that Trump will courteously call Putin an hour in advance to warn him.

9. Although this sounds like another vapidly asinine exclamation from a right-wing media site, it turns out to be a real quote from U.S. Army Lt. Colonel Steven Gventer, who heads the battle group. Which makes one wonder — are there situations in which our expensively equipped soldiers are only partially ready to be lethal? Or merely ready to be non-lethal? Regardless, the author of the linked article can’t contain his fabricated excitement, shouting out: “The world is going to be afraid from America again! We are going to be number one again! Trump will make America great! GOD BLESS AMERICA!” And God bless Poland, for believing it can count on Mr. Flexible to honor America’s international commitments when lethal-ready Russian tanks start massing on its borders.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 8/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0044

Comey Will Pay for Not Pretending Trump Was Wiretapped

President Trump and FBI Director James Comey

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. It’s not that FBI Director James Comey’s investigation of the Trump-Russia matter is over, or that his government career is over. It’s that, rather more ominously, James Comey, the person, is “over.” Sounds like something Vladimir Putin would say.

3. It’s hard to imagine that even President Trump’s most brainless supporters think this is really “the end,” unless we’re talking about the Rapture, which most of them believe is right around the corner.

4. It’s going to be tough for the media to cover up the complete cessation Comey’s existence as a corporal human being, but those liberal bastards at CNN will probably find a way.

5. We’re supposed to share this Macedonian clickbait 500,000 times? Guess we’d better put on another pot of coffee. We hope Drago and his enterprising friends at Veles High enjoy their new motor scooters.

6. Evidently “FIRE COMEY TRUMP!” is the only comment that meets USA Politics Today’s high rhetorical standards. And if you leave out that exclamation point, you’ll have to start your 500,000 shares all over again.

7. We’re sure President Trump isn’t going to allow his important decisions to be influenced by some dubious right-wing websi … uh … never mind. 

8. Is this a Facebook post or a homework assignment? How can we describe a bumbling, hand-wringing public servant whose obsessive preoccupation with his own reputation triggered a nationwide political catastrophe in only “2 word”? “Colossal fuck-up” just doesn’t seem to do it justice. Maybe someone should ask Hillary Clinton.

C. THE IMAGE

9. “High Energy” Donald Trump, displaying his laser-like focus and incredible stamina while waiting to receive stick figure illustrations of America’s health care system from Steve Bannon.

10. James Comey, revealing newly obtained evidence of his utter incompetence.

D. THE HEADLINE

11. Come on, USA Politics — can’t you show a little more feeling?

12. “Crawling on the floor” — sounds like Putin again. We won’t know for sure until we test Comey’s blood for polonium.

13. This probably comes as no surprise to our regular readers, but what Trump did to “destroy” Comey turns out to be … nothing. The linked article merely (and absurdly) contends that Comey perjured himself during his testimony before the House Intelligence Committee when he said there was no evidence to support President Trump’s claim that the Obama Administration wiretapped his phones at Trump Tower before the 2016 election. The article asserts that Comey lied to the Committee because its Chairman, Devin “Midnight Run” Nunes, “confirmed that President elect-Trump and his team were surveilled all the way until Inauguration Day,” even though, in actuality, Nunes did no such thing. The farthest the article goes in detailing retaliatory action by Trump is to predict that he’s “about to crush the damn Democrats into dust with this” and that “Obama is ruined.” However, according to our fact-checkers, Comey is neither a Democrat, nor Obama, and is still serving as head of the FBI, seemingly oblivious to his destruction. So, if we had to describe USA Politics’ post in two words, they would have to be “total bullshit.”

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 9/10
Banality 4/10 • Vileness 3/10

Exhibit 0043

Trump Silences Wiretapping Critics With Meaningless Sentence

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. The unrevealed surveillance revelation might be a bit more “shocking” if anyone other than Congressman Devin Nunes and his White House puppeteers knew what the fuck it actually was.

3. It’s not from “Congress.” It’s not from the House of Representatives. It’s not even from the House Intelligence Committee. It’s from Nunes, via the White House, via (probably) Electoral College President Donald Trump. Which means that Nunes urgently briefed Trump on information that Trump already knew but didn’t deem relevant enough to mention himself in his own defense when he was getting hammered for his asinine tweets about being secretly wiretapped by the prior administration for political gain. Or maybe he just couldn’t figure out a way to boil it down to 140 characters and work in additional commentary about “Sleepy Eyes” Chuck Todd or the Failing New York Times.

4. When a conservative media outlet geared toward bitter old white men says “dropped the mic,” it’s time for the rest of America to stop saying “dropped the mic.” Which is probably just as well, because it’s a pretty stupid expression anyway.

5. In case you’re wondering about Conservative Tribune’s linguistic evaluation criteria, the words are “perfect” because Trump said them, and because they’re actually part of the English language — regardless of the countervailing facts that only one is more than five letters long, and together they form a sentence that is utterly devoid of meaning. See below.

6. If you believe Conservative Tribune, liberals won’t be happy until drug-smuggling illegal immigrant welfare recipients take over the federal government and impose legislation mandating abortion clinics on every street corner not already occupied by a mosque and forcing Christians to eat erotically-themed cake at gay weddings held at reception halls with transgender bathrooms.

C. THE IMAGE

7. President Trump, announcing a temporary ban on governing until he figures out what the hell is going on.

D. THE HEADLINE

8. The wiretapping “truthbomb” is that there was no wiretapping as described in Trump’s tweets, which makes them false. Boom.

9. And now, without further ado, Trump’s “12 PERFECT words.” When asked by reporters how he felt about Nunes’ “new” information regarding surveillance, President Trump replied, “I very much appreciate the fact that they found what they found.” We’re as serious as a Russian opposition figure’s staged heart attack — that’s Trump’s rhetorical masterpiece. 12 words — count ’em — and, remarkably, not one is “Trump.” No doubt, from this moment forward, all Americans will recall where they were and what they were doing on the day that Donald Trump uttered a vacuous, self-referential statement about a purported discovery he refused to publicly divulge.

E. THE NUDGE

10. Pity unfortunate liberals, outfoxed by Trump once again. How can they possibly respond to Trump’s statement of appreciation for one of his congressional stooges obediently laundering intelligence from the White House that in no way vindicates his blatant and obvious lies? Maybe they should just pick up that mic and hand it to former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, since he’s suddenly eager to talk.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 9/10
Banality 4/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0042

Trump Vindicated by Still Being Wrong About Wiretapping

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. World News Politics puts a pair of quotation marks at the beginning of its patently false statement, without inserting another pair at the end, either (a) in a vain attempt to add a hint of validity to something that no reasonable human being ever would have actually said, or (b) because it’s hard to find a good English teacher in Macedonia.

3. The “official House investigation” (we use two pairs of quotation marks here to attribute this typically imprecise reference to World News Politics, and also to highlight what a total joke the House Intelligence Committee’s Russia inquiry has become) did not confirm that wiretapping “happened on” President Trump (or “Donald J. Trump,” as WNP prefers to call him, in order to make sure that no one mistakenly believes it’s talking about some other chief executive of the United States who claimed to have been illegally wiretapped without a shred of evidence). Rather, the Committee explosively revealed that its obsequious Republican Chairman, Devin Nunes, obtained some information, from somewhere, indicating that someone’s communications about something may have been somehow intercepted via some form of surveillance upon some other individuals sometime in the past few months by some government agency for some undisclosed reason not related to the subject investigation.

4. Full details inside what? Does World News Politics think this is a magazine cover?

5. The Democrats must be embarrassed that President Trump’s baseless claims remain entirely unsubstantiated.

C. THE IMAGE

6. President Trump, pushing his way through the imaginary crowd at his inauguration.

7. Trump always extends his hands toward the camera to make them appear larger than Marco Rubio’s.

8. No wedding ring — it must be Ivanka’s night.

9. Deep breaths, World News Politics … it’s only Day 65. Save some of your giant neon green font for impeachment. 

D. THE HEADLINE

10. We doubt that people have stopped everything they’re doing in, say, Equatorial Guinea, to follow the latest flailing Republican effort to cover Trump’s ass. But it’s certainly not for lack of hilariously over-the-top hype. The linked article shouts from atop Mount Olympus: “WOW, this is huge!!! All Trump claims happened to be true! Obama should rot in jail for this!!! Oh god, this is a political earthquake! This is epic shock for everybody! Trump is right once more time [sic], again!!! He is the best president we ever had! God Bless America!”

11. Within the universal laws of time and space commonly referred to as “reality,” Congressman Nunes did not validate Trump’s claim that his “phones” or “wires” were tapped, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping occurred just before the 2016 presidential election, did not validate Trump’s claim that former President Obama ordered wiretapping, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping occurred at Trump Tower, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping “found nothing,” did not validate Trump’s claim that Obama is a “bad (or sick) guy,” did not validate Trump’s claim that he is a victim of “McCarthyism,” and did not validate Trump’s claim that the prior administration was involved in a scandal equivalent to “Nixon/Watergate.” In fact, even after his cryptic announcement that he’d learned of “alarming” new facts about surveillance, Nunes reiterated that he’s still seen no evidence to suggest that Trump’s wiretapping allegations are true — which, of course, they’re not. So the whole world will have to start up again. We apologize for any inconvenience.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 3/10 • Vileness 2/10