Apocalyptic War With North Korea Will Be Totally Awesome
A. THE SOURCE
1. Don’t waste your time here.
B. THE TEASE
2. They’re actually not “spy pictures” — they’re commercial satellite photos that Conservative Tribune appears to be using without permission.
3. Conservative Tribune put “PROVE” in all-caps, so there’s no denying President Trump’s exact-o-rightness now. Trump magnificently displayed his bold leadership by sending a fleet of warships that nobody else would call an “armada” farther away from North Korea, then lying to the world about it for a week.
4. Spoiler Alert: they didn’t.
5. It must be really tough being president, trying to decide when is the right time to crush uncooperative foreign nations. In the case of North Korea, however, you have to wonder what’s holding Trump back from green-lighting such a simple and effective solution. Are we out of MOABs already? Does Jared need more time to put on his flak jacket? Or is Trump just waiting until he’s finished his chocolate cake?
C. THE IMAGE
6. Precision-marching North Korean army soldiers who love their Dear Leader precisely as much as they love not being fed to his dogs.
7. Eternal Ruler of the People’s Glorious Revolution and three-time DPRK hot dog eating champion Kim Jong Un, who instructed his personal team of follicle technicians to shorten his eyebrows to the length of his lower lip, then had them all shot because one of them spilled his mai tai and probably also was a Western imperialist.
8. Orange and black mushroom cloud that Conservative Tribune suggests is from a North Korean nuclear blast but which looks more like a fireball from a plane crash at the Paris Air Show.
D. THE HEADLINE
9. Here’s an exceedingly rare instance in which Conservative Tribune’s post actually seems understated. You’d think an imminent nuclear castasrophe would warrant all-caps for that “alert” — perhaps even an exclamation point. CT got more excited about Hillary Clinton coughing during last year’s presidential election than it appears to be about the potential annihilation of millions of people by two fat egomaniacs. It must be saving its ink for new revelations about Benghazi.
10. North Korea’s “apocalyptic plans” were to perform another nuclear test deep underground, which, frankly, doesn’t sound like much of an apocalypse, except maybe for earthworms. But it turns out that the only activity conducted at the test site was a spirited volleyball game, captured in subsequent satellite photos (seriously). North Korea later botched a hastily-ordered ballistic missile test, proving that bark-fed aerospace engineers sometimes lose focus under pressure.
11. You’ve gotta admit, “Day of the Sun” is a catchy title for North Korea’s spectacular Kim cultebration. If it rains, the parade committee beats a randomly-selected weatherman to death with umbrellas at Pyongyang National Stadium.
E. THE NUDGE
12. Conservative Tribune ends on a foreboding note, pretending to be worried about what lies ahead, but it knows very well that the creepy weirdos who visit its site would welcome a full-scale nuclear war if it meant they could finally get a return on the thousands of dollars they’ve sunk into their moldering doomsday shelters and the satisfaction of watching their snowflake neighbors literally melt before their eyes. President Trump is going to make Armageddon great again.
Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 2/10 • Vileness 7/10