Exhibit 0049

Liberals Opposed to Expanding Costly Afghan War Apparently Love Terrorists

MOAB Device and President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. “People on the left” = pollster / political consultant Frank Luntz, BuzzFeed deputy news director Tom Namako, BuzzFeed foreign and national security editor Miriam Elder, actress Grace Parra, and Washington Post staff writer Tom McKay — clearly a “who’s who” of the liberal elite.

3. “Unmasked” is conservatives’ new favorite word, because it’s the term used to describe the routine and entirely proper identification of American citizens incidentally caught up in legally authorized surveillance that President Trump’s defenders believe somehow excuses his election campaign’s treasonous collusion with Russia.

4. So, just to be clear, The Federalist Papers is not speaking figuratively here — FP asserts that Luntz, Namako, Elder, Parra, and McKay literally support terrorists. And yet, incredibly, they all still have stable, well-paying jobs. The U.S. economy must be in better shape than we thought.

5. Unlike that wuss Obama, President Trump had the guts to pick up the phone when someone from the Pentagon called to report that U.S. military commanders decided without previously consulting him to drop the “Mother Of All Bombs” on a bunch of caves in Afghanistan.

6. “Bombing the mess out of ISIS” = killing three dozen ISIS fighters. Guess it wasn’t that big a mess.

7. Yes, it’s important to share this with as many people as possibly. English is hard; blowing things up is easy.

8. We’ve always wondered what liberals are REALLY like. When we close our eyes and try to visualize them, all we see is Amy Schumer cutting her toenails.

C. THE IMAGE

9. MOAB device, painted orange in honor of our new president.

10. Not Afghanistan.

11. President Trump, looking like he’s been punched in the face by Amy Schumer.

D. THE HEADLINE

12. It’s about time liberals came clean about their pro-terrorist sympathies. Now maybe they can admit that climate change is a hoax and that poor people don’t deserve health care.

13. Putting aside the fact that not even the most die-hard Trump supporters think ISIS was “devastated” by the MOAB media stunt, let’s examine how “the libs” ostensibly expressed their love for terrorists in response (via Twitter, naturally). As cited in the linked article, Frank Luntz stated, “I never expected to see so much opposition to bombing ISIS.” (Notably, Luntz did not say that he was opposed to bombing ISIS). Tom Namako asked, “Why did we use this massive bomb? Was anyone injured who was not an intended target? Why does this information need to be leaked out?” Namako’s BuzzFeed colleague, Miriam Elder, churlishly replied, “Why are you asking these pesky questions instead of Worshiping The Bomb, Tom?” Grace Parra opined that the prior U.S. strike on Syria was “a gateway drug for Trump.” And Tom McKay exclaimed (presumably with tongue in cheek), “We are all going to die.” No offense to ISIS, but it really needs to work on its fan club.

E. THE NUDGE

14. Calling something “another successful job” implies that there has been a prior successful job. We’ll wait for Sean Spicer to check on that and get back to us. In the meantime, we’ll simply observe that President Trump’s post-approved cave obliteration was such a success in destroying ISIS that the Pentagon now believes it might need to send several thousand more troops to Afghanistan to destroy ISIS. The libs sure aren’t going to like that — but what do you expect?

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 7/10
Banality 6/10 • Vileness 8/10

Exhibit 0048

Trump’s Retroactively Approved Cave Bombing Terrifies World

Bomb Blast and President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. We’d have thought it already was pretty well understood that a man who pretended to be a different person in order to promote himself, bragged about grabbing women’s genitalia, and threatened to throw his political opponent in jail is like NO OTHER PRESIDENT BEFORE, but it’s nice of the crack journalists at Conservative Post to nail it down. What’s more, CP exhibits unprecedented objectivity by coyly declining to characterize President Trump’s unlikeness as good or bad, if only because it believes this somehow will induce more clicks by jittery Trump fans alarmed at the possibility that one of their most reliable fake news distributors may have gone astray. They needn’t worry — the linked article is just as laughably slanted in Trump’s favor as the rest of CP’s illustrious body of work.

3. Things seem to be running fairly smoothly despite the world’s collective freak-out over President Trump. One might imagine, for example, scenes of rioting and mayhem in foreign cities, shrieking diplomats jumping off the roof of the United Nations, Vladimir Putin forming his first-ever facial expression, and the like. It’s hard not to feel a little deflated.

C. THE IMAGE

4. Mushroom cloud from a nuclear detonation. That’s right, for another hundred bucks in ad revenue, Conservative Post is willing to imply that President Trump ordered a nuclear strike on one of our adversaries, or (you can’t rule it out) one of our allies. Half of CP’s hyper-suggestible readers probably fell for it.

5. President Trump, looking slightly less orange than usual juxtaposed against a searing nuclear fireball. 

D. THE HEADLINE

6. We just hit the 100-day mark of Trump’s presidency — if the world is panicking now, it’s never going to make it through the next eight years, and then it’ll totally miss out on civilization-ending climate change during the Pence Administration.

7. Ironically, if Trump had used a nuclear weapon, it wouldn’t be something that no other president has ever done before. But, alas, to the crushing disappointment of right-wing morons across America, what Trump did do is considerably less horrific. Trump — or, rather, free-wheeling U.S. military commanders acting on their own initiative without the President’s advance knowledge — deployed, for the first time, a very powerful “conventional” munition affectionately called, in loving memory of Saddam Hussein, the “Mother Of All Bombs.” The MOAB was unceremoniously dropped on a bunch of caves in eastern Afghanistan, allegedly killing three dozen ISIS fighters. President Trump was shown a cool video of the event afterward so he’d have some idea what he’d be taking credit for.

E. THE NUDGE

8. “Oh man”? Conservative Post appears to have run out of steam. Maybe it’s because the thing NO OTHER PRESIDENT HAS EVER DONE turns out to be not objecting after the fact to the use of a really big bomb against a handful of Afghan militants holed up in a remote mountain hideout, which virtually nobody else ever would have even become aware of if the Pentagon hadn’t blabbed about it to the media an hour later. Hopefully one of those generals Trump is smarter than will give him a heads-up before taking a similar action in North Korea.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 10/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 2/10 • Vileness 5/10

Exhibit 0047

Apocalyptic War With North Korea Will Be Totally Awesome

Kim Jong Un and North Korean Threat

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. They’re actually not “spy pictures” — they’re commercial satellite photos that Conservative Tribune appears to be using without permission.

3. Conservative Tribune put “PROVE” in all-caps, so there’s no denying President Trump’s exact-o-rightness now. Trump magnificently displayed his bold leadership by sending a fleet of warships that nobody else would call an “armada” farther away from North Korea, then lying to the world about it for a week.

4. Spoiler Alert: they didn’t.

5. It must be really tough being president, trying to decide when is the right time to crush uncooperative foreign nations. In the case of North Korea, however, you have to wonder what’s holding Trump back from green-lighting such a simple and effective solution. Are we out of MOABs already? Does Jared need more time to put on his flak jacket? Or is Trump just waiting until he’s finished his chocolate cake?

C. THE IMAGE

6. Precision-marching North Korean army soldiers who love their Dear Leader precisely as much as they love not being fed to his dogs.

7. Eternal Ruler of the People’s Glorious Revolution and three-time DPRK hot dog eating champion Kim Jong Un, who instructed his personal team of follicle technicians to shorten his eyebrows to the length of his lower lip, then had them all shot because one of them spilled his mai tai and probably also was a Western imperialist.

8. Orange and black mushroom cloud that Conservative Tribune suggests is from a North Korean nuclear blast but which looks more like a fireball from a plane crash at the Paris Air Show.

D. THE HEADLINE

9. Here’s an exceedingly rare instance in which Conservative Tribune’s post actually seems understated. You’d think an imminent nuclear castasrophe would warrant all-caps for that “alert” — perhaps even an exclamation point. CT got more excited about Hillary Clinton coughing during last year’s presidential election than it appears to be about the potential annihilation of millions of people by two fat egomaniacs. It must be saving its ink for new revelations about Benghazi.

10. North Korea’s “apocalyptic plans” were to perform another nuclear test deep underground, which, frankly, doesn’t sound like much of an apocalypse, except maybe for earthworms. But it turns out that the only activity conducted at the test site was a spirited volleyball game, captured in subsequent satellite photos (seriously). North Korea later botched a hastily-ordered ballistic missile test, proving that bark-fed aerospace engineers sometimes lose focus under pressure.

11. You’ve gotta admit, “Day of the Sun” is a catchy title for North Korea’s spectacular Kim cultebration. If it rains, the parade committee beats a randomly-selected weatherman to death with umbrellas at Pyongyang National Stadium.

E. THE NUDGE

12. Conservative Tribune ends on a foreboding note, pretending to be worried about what lies ahead, but it knows very well that the creepy weirdos who visit its site would welcome a full-scale nuclear war if it meant they could finally get a return on the thousands of dollars they’ve sunk into their moldering doomsday shelters and the satisfaction of watching their snowflake neighbors literally melt before their eyes. President Trump is going to make Armageddon great again.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 2/10 • Vileness 7/10

Exhibit 0046

North Korea Infuriates Trump by Acting Same Way It Always Does

President Trump and Kim Jong Un

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. President Trump is so furious about North Korea that he jetted down to Palm Beach for another relaxing weekend of golf and groping at his Mar-a-Lago resort. Hopefully he won’t run into the health inspector.

3. We assume that when World News Politics makes mention of “our” country, it’s doing so figuratively, unless it’s referring to Macedonia.

4. That’s it — only 10,000 likes to support the United States of Trump when we’re teetering on the brink of pseudo-nuclear war? Just two installments ago we featured another ginned up missive from one of World News Politics’ partner fake news sites asking for 500,000 likes to support the firing of FBI Director Jim Comey. Guess the price of freedom is cheap after all.

5. Looks like World News Politics accidentally switched off all-caps for a second there, which nearly ruined the ambiance of its non-stop shouting. Luckily it compensated for its error by using five exclamation points at the end of the sentence.

C. THE IMAGE

6. President Trump, just one more bad poll result away from going MOAB on North Korea’s ass.

7. North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong Un, terrified by Trump’s tweets of mass destruction, also hungry for pie.

D. THE HEADLINE

8. Remember when alt-right conservatives wanted America to stay out of foreign conflicts? It was around the same time they believed that NATO was obsolete, thought China was a currency manipulator, and advocated raising interest rates.

9. What Kim did was threaten to go to war with the United States, which actually is pretty thinkable, since he’s done it every single day for the past five years.

10. If you bother to go to the linked article and make it past the giant anatomically-illustrated ad offering to share “1 crazy trick to fix your erectile dysfunction” (which reveals a lot about the target audience), you won’t find any evidence that President Trump is “furious,” or, indeed, any discussion of Trump’s emotional state whatsoever. The article doesn’t even directly quote Trump at all, instead inserting a video clip of a recent interview with the President about North Korea on the Fox Business Network, in which, if anything, he sounds unnaturally calm and dismissive (the clip’s YouTube title describes Trump as “coy”). When asked how the U.S. will respond to North Korea’s continued defiance, Trump simply shrugs and replies, “You never know, do you? You never know.” The article concludes rather incongruously, proclaiming that Trump has performed an Easter miracle by ending Kim’s rule in some unspecified way, and then warning that, if Kim conducts another nuclear test, it will result in “World War 3.” No exclamation point was deemed necessary.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 6/10
Banality 3/10 • Vileness 6/10

Exhibit 0037

Failed Trump-Ordered Military Strike Spells Doom for Terrorists

Military Unit and President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. You can’t go wrong asking God to bless our troops — just make sure it’s the kick-ass God of the Old Testament, and not that wussy New Testament “Prince of Peace.”

C. THE IMAGE

3. Stock photo of some random military unit that’s not the Navy SEAL team sent to Yemen in the counter-terrorism operation celebrated in this post, deploying from a helicopter that’s not the chronically unreliable $75 million V-22 Osprey that malfunctioned during the attack and had to be destroyed.

4. Tough-talking commander-in-chief with no military experience who relied upon dubious draft deferments to avoid risking his neck in the Vietnam War.

D. THE HEADLINE

5. We’re sure the men and women of America’s armed forces who’ve spent the last 15 years decimating al Qaeda and driving back ISIS appreciate USA Politics’ assertion that our effort to eradicate these global terrorist organizations has “just begun.”

6. Trump send troops … Trump smash … Not to ruin the mood, but the raid actually was conceived and planned during the Obama Administration. The mission was delayed for operational reasons, and President Obama declined to approve it before he left office. Then newly inaugurated President Trump, determined to make Yemen great again, gave the green light in between critical tweets about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s low ratings on “The Apprentice.”

7. The raid was deadly, all right — in addition to a dozen or so militants, a SEAL team member was killed, along with 23 innocent civilians, including women and children. Three other SEALs were wounded.

8. The exclamation point really puts an exclamation point on this story. Unfortunately, the mission (which, factoring in the loss of our aircraft, blew around $100 million) was a near-total disaster. While some useful intelligence allegedly was obtained, U.S. forces were detected before they reached the enemy compound, sparking the fatal firefight, and failed to capture their prime target — the leader of al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula. Moreover, due to the high civilian death toll, the Yemeni government is now reconsidering allowing the United States to conduct operations at will inside its sectarian mess of a country. But it’s unpatriotic to dwell on the human and economic costs of military action. USA Politics’ article admonishes us, in its customary broken English, that “we have to pay that price if we want to leave [sic] in secured world and if we want US to be safe. The freedom and liberty comes always with a price! That’s why we always should pay huge respect and love to our soldiers!” Next time, when President Trump has a chance to plan his own mission from scratch, we’ll carpet bomb the bastards, seize their non-existent oil, and waterboard them until they agree to sell Ivanka’s dresses.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 2/10