Exhibit 0047

Apocalyptic War With North Korea Will Be Totally Awesome

Kim Jong Un and North Korean Threat

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. They’re actually not “spy pictures” — they’re commercial satellite photos that Conservative Tribune appears to be using without permission.

3. Conservative Tribune put “PROVE” in all-caps, so there’s no denying President Trump’s exact-o-rightness now. Trump magnificently displayed his bold leadership by sending a fleet of warships that nobody else would call an “armada” farther away from North Korea, then lying to the world about it for a week.

4. Spoiler Alert: they didn’t.

5. It must be really tough being president, trying to decide when is the right time to crush uncooperative foreign nations. In the case of North Korea, however, you have to wonder what’s holding Trump back from green-lighting such a simple and effective solution. Are we out of MOABs already? Does Jared need more time to put on his flak jacket? Or is Trump just waiting until he’s finished his chocolate cake?

C. THE IMAGE

6. Precision-marching North Korean army soldiers who love their Dear Leader precisely as much as they love not being fed to his dogs.

7. Eternal Ruler of the People’s Glorious Revolution and three-time DPRK hot dog eating champion Kim Jong Un, who instructed his personal team of follicle technicians to shorten his eyebrows to the length of his lower lip, then had them all shot because one of them spilled his mai tai and probably also was a Western imperialist.

8. Orange and black mushroom cloud that Conservative Tribune suggests is from a North Korean nuclear blast but which looks more like a fireball from a plane crash at the Paris Air Show.

D. THE HEADLINE

9. Here’s an exceedingly rare instance in which Conservative Tribune’s post actually seems understated. You’d think an imminent nuclear castasrophe would warrant all-caps for that “alert” — perhaps even an exclamation point. CT got more excited about Hillary Clinton coughing during last year’s presidential election than it appears to be about the potential annihilation of millions of people by two fat egomaniacs. It must be saving its ink for new revelations about Benghazi.

10. North Korea’s “apocalyptic plans” were to perform another nuclear test deep underground, which, frankly, doesn’t sound like much of an apocalypse, except maybe for earthworms. But it turns out that the only activity conducted at the test site was a spirited volleyball game, captured in subsequent satellite photos (seriously). North Korea later botched a hastily-ordered ballistic missile test, proving that bark-fed aerospace engineers sometimes lose focus under pressure.

11. You’ve gotta admit, “Day of the Sun” is a catchy title for North Korea’s spectacular Kim cultebration. If it rains, the parade committee beats a randomly-selected weatherman to death with umbrellas at Pyongyang National Stadium.

E. THE NUDGE

12. Conservative Tribune ends on a foreboding note, pretending to be worried about what lies ahead, but it knows very well that the creepy weirdos who visit its site would welcome a full-scale nuclear war if it meant they could finally get a return on the thousands of dollars they’ve sunk into their moldering doomsday shelters and the satisfaction of watching their snowflake neighbors literally melt before their eyes. President Trump is going to make Armageddon great again.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 2/10 • Vileness 7/10

Exhibit 0046

North Korea Infuriates Trump by Acting Same Way It Always Does

President Trump and Kim Jong Un

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. President Trump is so furious about North Korea that he jetted down to Palm Beach for another relaxing weekend of golf and groping at his Mar-a-Lago resort. Hopefully he won’t run into the health inspector.

3. We assume that when World News Politics makes mention of “our” country, it’s doing so figuratively, unless it’s referring to Macedonia.

4. That’s it — only 10,000 likes to support the United States of Trump when we’re teetering on the brink of pseudo-nuclear war? Just two installments ago we featured another ginned up missive from one of World News Politics’ partner fake news sites asking for 500,000 likes to support the firing of FBI Director Jim Comey. Guess the price of freedom is cheap after all.

5. Looks like World News Politics accidentally switched off all-caps for a second there, which nearly ruined the ambiance of its non-stop shouting. Luckily it compensated for its error by using five exclamation points at the end of the sentence.

C. THE IMAGE

6. President Trump, just one more bad poll result away from going MOAB on North Korea’s ass.

7. North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong Un, terrified by Trump’s tweets of mass destruction, also hungry for pie.

D. THE HEADLINE

8. Remember when alt-right conservatives wanted America to stay out of foreign conflicts? It was around the same time they believed that NATO was obsolete, thought China was a currency manipulator, and advocated raising interest rates.

9. What Kim did was threaten to go to war with the United States, which actually is pretty thinkable, since he’s done it every single day for the past five years.

10. If you bother to go to the linked article and make it past the giant anatomically-illustrated ad offering to share “1 crazy trick to fix your erectile dysfunction” (which reveals a lot about the target audience), you won’t find any evidence that President Trump is “furious,” or, indeed, any discussion of Trump’s emotional state whatsoever. The article doesn’t even directly quote Trump at all, instead inserting a video clip of a recent interview with the President about North Korea on the Fox Business Network, in which, if anything, he sounds unnaturally calm and dismissive (the clip’s YouTube title describes Trump as “coy”). When asked how the U.S. will respond to North Korea’s continued defiance, Trump simply shrugs and replies, “You never know, do you? You never know.” The article concludes rather incongruously, proclaiming that Trump has performed an Easter miracle by ending Kim’s rule in some unspecified way, and then warning that, if Kim conducts another nuclear test, it will result in “World War 3.” No exclamation point was deemed necessary.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 6/10
Banality 3/10 • Vileness 6/10

Exhibit 0037

Failed Trump-Ordered Military Strike Spells Doom for Terrorists

Military Unit and President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. You can’t go wrong asking God to bless our troops — just make sure it’s the kick-ass God of the Old Testament, and not that wussy New Testament “Prince of Peace.”

C. THE IMAGE

3. Stock photo of some random military unit that’s not the Navy SEAL team sent to Yemen in the counter-terrorism operation celebrated in this post, deploying from a helicopter that’s not the chronically unreliable $75 million V-22 Osprey that malfunctioned during the attack and had to be destroyed.

4. Tough-talking commander-in-chief with no military experience who relied upon dubious draft deferments to avoid risking his neck in the Vietnam War.

D. THE HEADLINE

5. We’re sure the men and women of America’s armed forces who’ve spent the last 15 years decimating al Qaeda and driving back ISIS appreciate USA Politics’ assertion that our effort to eradicate these global terrorist organizations has “just begun.”

6. Trump send troops … Trump smash … Not to ruin the mood, but the raid actually was conceived and planned during the Obama Administration. The mission was delayed for operational reasons, and President Obama declined to approve it before he left office. Then newly inaugurated President Trump, determined to make Yemen great again, gave the green light in between critical tweets about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s low ratings on “The Apprentice.”

7. The raid was deadly, all right — in addition to a dozen or so militants, a SEAL team member was killed, along with 23 innocent civilians, including women and children. Three other SEALs were wounded.

8. The exclamation point really puts an exclamation point on this story. Unfortunately, the mission (which, factoring in the loss of our aircraft, blew around $100 million) was a near-total disaster. While some useful intelligence allegedly was obtained, U.S. forces were detected before they reached the enemy compound, sparking the fatal firefight, and failed to capture their prime target — the leader of al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula. Moreover, due to the high civilian death toll, the Yemeni government is now reconsidering allowing the United States to conduct operations at will inside its sectarian mess of a country. But it’s unpatriotic to dwell on the human and economic costs of military action. USA Politics’ article admonishes us, in its customary broken English, that “we have to pay that price if we want to leave [sic] in secured world and if we want US to be safe. The freedom and liberty comes always with a price! That’s why we always should pay huge respect and love to our soldiers!” Next time, when President Trump has a chance to plan his own mission from scratch, we’ll carpet bomb the bastards, seize their non-existent oil, and waterboard them until they agree to sell Ivanka’s dresses.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 2/10