Exhibit 0038

Arkansas Representatives Boldly Choose American Law Over Sharia

Arkansas Representative and Protesting Muslim

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. All 13 of them.

3. What Arkansas — or, more precisely, the august Arkansas House of Representatives — proposes to “force” on Muslims is a measure requiring that state courts apply American law, as they have always done, except when applying Confederate law or Deuteronomy. There is absolutely no indication that any Muslim American unlucky enough to live in Arkansas favors a different legal system.

4. All the Arkansas House did was advance its patently unnecessary, hyper-pandering bill to the Senate, where it’s now under review. Nevertheless, getting 3,000 of Right Wing News’ paranoid, Islamophobic readers to agree with the idea of pushing back against an imaginary Razorback caliphate probably is an attainable goal.

C. THE IMAGE

5. Arkansas Representative Brandt Smith (R-Deplorable), sponsor of the proposed legislation, courageously defending the separation of non-Christian church and state.

6. Stock photo of agitated Muslim fanatic who clearly wants to kill us all.

7. Passage that might relate to Sharia law in a book that might be the Koran. It’s written in Arabic and a bearded guy wearing a turban is pointing at it — that’s good enough for Right Wing News.

D. THE HEADLINE

8. In a hearing on the bill, which does not expressly mention Sharia, Representative Smith acknowledged that he was unaware of a single instance in which an Arkansas court failed to apply U.S. or Arkansas law when rendering a decision. No matter, the bill passed the Arkansas House 63-24. The author of the linked article, who amusingly pretends to be an American despite likely residing in Eastern Europe, can’t understand why it wasn’t unanimous: “I don’t know what stupid people we have in this country that would vote against the AMERICAN COURTS USING AMERICAN LAWS? Must’ve been those moron liberals again. They’re always doing something completely backwards and illogical.” In a fun irony, however, it turns out that some conservative Christians opposed the legislation on the grounds that it might preclude use of the Ten Commandments.

E. THE NUDGE

9. You’ve gotta love the gratuitous parting shot at former President Obama — right-wing media misses him more than randomly capitalized words can say. But, yes, undoubtedly secret Muslim Obama is boiling mad about one half of the Arkansas state legislature passing a bill that, even if eventually enacted into law, will have no discernible effect other than memorializing its supporters’ pointless bigotry.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 10/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 7/10 • Vileness 8/10

Exhibit 0012

Mecca Crane Collapse Deemed Divine Retribution for 9/11

Lightning Strike Displaying Wrath of God

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Usually, if you have to tell your readers that something’s “amazing,” it’s not that amazing. And usually, if over 100 innocent people die in a tragic accident, your immediate reaction isn’t to be enthusiastically impressed.

C. THE IMAGE

3. Stock photo of lightning striking the countryside reminds us that God can be kind of a dick sometimes. However, in this case, static electricity was not the instrument of His benevolent wrath. See below.

D. THE HEADLINE

4. Which Muslim? Maybe God should smite Political Insider’s editor for not knowing how to write plural possessives.

5. This actually happened in 2015, although Political Insider wants its superstitious readers to think it was a few days ago. Even the article is coy about the date, stating that the incident occurred “on the most recent anniversary of the September 11th attacks,” without giving the year.

6. So, in response to the deaths of nearly 3,000 people in the United States by mostly Saudi nationals under the direction of Osama bin Laden, God did nothing for 14 years, allowing like-minded terrorists to continue murdering thousands of His children around the world. Then, on September 11, 2015 (after bin Laden himself was already at the bottom of the ocean), God created a powerful storm over Mecca, Saudi Arabia as the city was preparing for the annual Hajj pilgrimage. The unusually strong winds from God’s storm blew over a construction crane at Mecca’s Grand Mosque and caused it to fall onto a crowd of worshipers gathered below, killing 111. None of those who died had anything to do with 9/11; indeed, none of them was even Saudi Arabian. The country that suffered the most fatalities was Bangladesh, from which none of the 9/11 hijackers originated. Yet because the German-made crane was operated by the Binladin construction company, God felt that this arbitrary disaster served as a just and appropriate punishment for the 9/11 attacks.

E. THE NUDGE

7. We’ll save you 27 seconds of your life. The first few moments of the shaky cell phone video show a late afternoon sandstorm swirling around the Mecca mosque, and the rest is a chaotic jumble of terrified people trying to flee the scene. There’s no lightning, you can’t see the crane, and it’s impossible to tell what happened. The loving but vengeful God of Abraham fails to make an appearance. And, if you truly have a soul, you don’t feel one bit better about 9/11.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 9/10
Banality 1/10 • Vileness 9/10

Exhibit 0010

Christian Walmart Shopper Irritated by Possibly Muslim Cashier

Walmart Mosque

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Spoiler Alert: nobody was beheaded.

3. The alleged “Christian” is former Republican congressman and current right-wing commentator Allen West, who shows his fidelity to Christ’s teachings by judging others, attacking those who disagree with him, and calling attention to himself at every opportunity.

4. “Encounters” — as in, “I hope one day Conservative Post encounters an editor with basic knowledge of the English language.”

5. It’s unclear whether the “Muslim cashier” at the focal point of this story actually is Muslim — an issue you’d think someone would want to nail down. According to the article, the only evidence of the cashier’s religious faith is his name, which, curiously, West didn’t feel the need to share. Instead, West winks to his nodding fans, “Let me just say it was NOT ‘Steve.'” By this logic, 322 million Americans are Muslim. God help the nation’s 3 million Steves.

6. The Walmart where this incident occurred is located in Dallas, Texas, a well-known hotbed of Islamic extremism and liberal political correctness.

C. THE IMAGE

7. One Muslim worker at one store means that Walmart has turned into a mosque. At least that’s the prevailing opinion over at Hobby Lobby Pentecostal Church.

8. Dodge Ram’s extra-large payload capacity makes it ideal for hauling stones to cast at heathens.

9. Burka-clad women need discounted Brawny paper towels, too.

10. Not pictured: hordes of Christmas shoppers celebrating Jesus’ birthday by trampling store greeter to death.

D. THE HEADLINE

11. Here’s what happens, if you’re Allen West: You walk into a Walmart to buy a few groceries, including alcoholic beverages, which you’ve become increasingly dependent upon to get through your bitter, lonely days. You go to a checkout cashier, and then another employee comes over and puts up a sign that says, “No alcohol products in this lane.” You look over at the young cashier, read his name tag, and conclude that he’s Muslim. You then assume that the reason you can’t purchase alcohol in the cashier’s lane is because selling alcohol would violate his Muslim beliefs. You speak to a store representative and are told that the cashier can’t sell alcohol because he’s under 21 years old. You don’t dispute that the cashier is under 21, but you refuse to accept that this is why you weren’t allowed to buy alcohol from him. You then write an asinine article about the episode on your crappy, popup-riddled website entitled “More Ominous Signs of Christian Persecution” (with the snappier URL “Sharia Law Comes to Walmart”), which is later regurgitated by Conservative Post. You then drink the alcohol that you were easily able to purchase from another Walmart cashier and reflect on what a bigoted, miserable bastard you’ve become.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 6/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 7/10

Exhibit 0004

Clinton’s Muslim Aide Seems Kind of Suspicious

Hillary Clinton, World Trade Center Attack, and Huma Abedin

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Or “aide,” whatever. Western Journalism is too busy ferreting out shadowy conspiracies to waste time checking its Facebook spelling. The aide in question is Clinton campaign vice chairwoman Huma Abedin, a U.S. citizen with a security clearance and a Muslim so radicalized that she married a Jew.

3. Spoiler Alert: Abedin wasn’t on a New Jersey rooftop celebrating the fall of the Twin Towers. In fact, Western Journalism has no idea what she was doing that day. The article’s only revelation is that Abedin’s name appeared on the masthead of an obscure publication run by her mother called the Journal of Muslim Minority Affairs between 1996 and 2008. Though she was listed as an assistant editor, Abedin did not actually edit the journal, in which conservatives have identified certain content they deem anti-American.

4. Throwaway statements like this are a staple of conservative media. If the moron who wrote the post took a moment between swigs of Jack Daniels to raise his own eyebrows, the statement is literally true, and, at the same time, literally means nothing.

5. Yes, a ginned-up story about a Clinton aide lending her name to a Muslim periodical eight years ago is going to turn the tide for Trump.

C. THE IMAGE

6. A rare non-unflattering picture of Hillary Clinton on a conservative Facebook page. Some poor sap at Western Journalism probably got fired for forgetting to draw horns coming out of her head.

7. At least Clinton’s picture is just an eighth of an inch away from a photo of the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center, which, inconveniently, occurred during the Republican administration of George W. Bush.

8. Huma Abedin looks on at the carnage with a dark expression of tacit approval. Because, you know, Muslim.

D. THE HEADLINE

9. “BOMBSHELL” could be regarded as a somewhat questionable word choice, under the circumstances. Good thing conservatives would never exploit 9/11 for political purposes.

10. Apparently “top aide” wasn’t descriptive enough. Still waiting for someone to be referred to as a candidate’s “Christian aide” or “Jewish aide.”

11. As mentioned above, the article doesn’t actually say what Abedin was doing on 9/11. Nor did anyone bother to ask her. They probably would have found that, like virtually all Americans, she was watching the calamitous events of that day unfold in shock and horror.

E. THE NUDGE

12. This odious insinuation comes from the mouth of well-known Trump whisperer / crackpot conspiracy theorist Roger Stone, who, according to the article, has also absurdly accused the Michigan-born Abedin of being a “Saudi spy.” Given that Abedin’s husband is Anthony Weiner, you’d think she’d already suffered enough.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 6/10
Banality 3/10 • Vileness 9/10