Exhibit 0050

Comey Dismissed by Trump in Hilariously Disrespectful and Unprofessional Manner

FBI Director James Comey

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. 98% of America doesn’t give a shit.

3. It’s not a “message” — it’s a childish, poorly written article about how FBI Director James Comey was fired by President Trump, based on material that’s already been extensively and much more credibly reported elsewhere, with an asinine twist. And there isn’t a single rational human being, or even a single Trump supporter, on Planet Earth who needs to view it “immediately” — or, indeed, ever — because that ill-advised decision would be a totally wasted expenditure of neurological activity.

4. 600,000 shares? That might be a new alt-right record. Dream bigly, Liberty Writers. If you garner even a tenth of that, we’ll click on your ad for a weird new device that’s making plastic surgeons furious and check out what Blair from “The Facts of Life” looks like now.

5. Also thank Trump for suddenly changing his story about why he fired Comey while hanging his entire communications staff out to dry and obstructing an investigation into actions of a foreign adversary that undermine American democracy and threaten U.S. national security.

C. THE IMAGE

6. FBI Director Comey, wondering if he should send another letter to members of Congress informing them of a dream he had last night about Hillary Clinton’s emails.

7. Despite Liberty Writers’ surreptitious hue adjustment, Comey still looks more nauseous than “scarlet.”

8. Although Liberty Writers wants us to think this photo captures the exact moment Comey found out he’d been canned, it actually was taken two months ago, when Comey still had the pleasure of working for an absurdly insecure egomaniac.

D. THE HEADLINE

9. No part of this story occurred “before” Trump fired Comey, since it’s about how Trump fired Comey.

10. Here’s where things get a little more confusing. The linked article initially suggests that President Trump’s “secret message” to Comey was a news report about his dismissal that Comey saw on TV while he was giving a speech to FBI agents in Los Angeles, which is pretty much the opposite of “secret.” The article’s author, presumed Macedonian “Paris Swade” (who describes himself as “the best writer on the Internet” and boasts that he “helped get Donald Trump elected President” but for his own reasons has chosen to use the most obviously made-up name in history) is amused by the unusual sequence of events. Showing off his unparalleled literary skills, Swade elegantly writes, “Hahahaha. This dude literally found out that he was fired from watching the television.” The article then reproduces the termination letter from Trump that Comey didn’t actually receive until he returned to Washington, highlighting the first letters of four lines of text running vertically down the left margin — “I,” “W,” “i,” and “n”, which spells out “I Win” — get it? (This clever decoding is all the more impressive when you consider that English almost certainly is not Mr. Swade’s first language.) So evidently that is Trump’s “secret message.” Alas, the gleeful gloatation is garbled by the inconvenient interposition of three other lines of text between the “I” line and the “Win” lines starting with the letters “t,” “I,” and “r”, making the full message “It Ir Win.” Perhaps that means something in Macedonia.

11. Interestingly, the URL for the linked article refers to Comey turning “crimson.” Editors — sheesh.

E. THE NUDGE

12. More masterful prose from Paris. Yes, it’s “frickin’ amazing” that our immature, unstable president chose the most classless and unprofessional way he could think of to dismiss a dedicated civil servant who, despite making some well-known errors in judgment, provided years of loyal service to our nation. Good luck to the poor bastard who comes next.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 6/10 • Idiocy 6/10
Banality 7/10 • Vileness 5/10

Exhibit 0044

Comey Will Pay for Not Pretending Trump Was Wiretapped

President Trump and FBI Director James Comey

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. It’s not that FBI Director James Comey’s investigation of the Trump-Russia matter is over, or that his government career is over. It’s that, rather more ominously, James Comey, the person, is “over.” Sounds like something Vladimir Putin would say.

3. It’s hard to imagine that even President Trump’s most brainless supporters think this is really “the end,” unless we’re talking about the Rapture, which most of them believe is right around the corner.

4. It’s going to be tough for the media to cover up the complete cessation Comey’s existence as a corporal human being, but those liberal bastards at CNN will probably find a way.

5. We’re supposed to share this Macedonian clickbait 500,000 times? Guess we’d better put on another pot of coffee. We hope Drago and his enterprising friends at Veles High enjoy their new motor scooters.

6. Evidently “FIRE COMEY TRUMP!” is the only comment that meets USA Politics Today’s high rhetorical standards. And if you leave out that exclamation point, you’ll have to start your 500,000 shares all over again.

7. We’re sure President Trump isn’t going to allow his important decisions to be influenced by some dubious right-wing websi … uh … never mind. 

8. Is this a Facebook post or a homework assignment? How can we describe a bumbling, hand-wringing public servant whose obsessive preoccupation with his own reputation triggered a nationwide political catastrophe in only “2 word”? “Colossal fuck-up” just doesn’t seem to do it justice. Maybe someone should ask Hillary Clinton.

C. THE IMAGE

9. “High Energy” Donald Trump, displaying his laser-like focus and incredible stamina while waiting to receive stick figure illustrations of America’s health care system from Steve Bannon.

10. James Comey, revealing newly obtained evidence of his utter incompetence.

D. THE HEADLINE

11. Come on, USA Politics — can’t you show a little more feeling?

12. “Crawling on the floor” — sounds like Putin again. We won’t know for sure until we test Comey’s blood for polonium.

13. This probably comes as no surprise to our regular readers, but what Trump did to “destroy” Comey turns out to be … nothing. The linked article merely (and absurdly) contends that Comey perjured himself during his testimony before the House Intelligence Committee when he said there was no evidence to support President Trump’s claim that the Obama Administration wiretapped his phones at Trump Tower before the 2016 election. The article asserts that Comey lied to the Committee because its Chairman, Devin “Midnight Run” Nunes, “confirmed that President elect-Trump and his team were surveilled all the way until Inauguration Day,” even though, in actuality, Nunes did no such thing. The farthest the article goes in detailing retaliatory action by Trump is to predict that he’s “about to crush the damn Democrats into dust with this” and that “Obama is ruined.” However, according to our fact-checkers, Comey is neither a Democrat, nor Obama, and is still serving as head of the FBI, seemingly oblivious to his destruction. So, if we had to describe USA Politics’ post in two words, they would have to be “total bullshit.”

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 9/10
Banality 4/10 • Vileness 3/10

Exhibit 0043

Trump Silences Wiretapping Critics With Meaningless Sentence

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. The unrevealed surveillance revelation might be a bit more “shocking” if anyone other than Congressman Devin Nunes and his White House puppeteers knew what the fuck it actually was.

3. It’s not from “Congress.” It’s not from the House of Representatives. It’s not even from the House Intelligence Committee. It’s from Nunes, via the White House, via (probably) Electoral College President Donald Trump. Which means that Nunes urgently briefed Trump on information that Trump already knew but didn’t deem relevant enough to mention himself in his own defense when he was getting hammered for his asinine tweets about being secretly wiretapped by the prior administration for political gain. Or maybe he just couldn’t figure out a way to boil it down to 140 characters and work in additional commentary about “Sleepy Eyes” Chuck Todd or the Failing New York Times.

4. When a conservative media outlet geared toward bitter old white men says “dropped the mic,” it’s time for the rest of America to stop saying “dropped the mic.” Which is probably just as well, because it’s a pretty stupid expression anyway.

5. In case you’re wondering about Conservative Tribune’s linguistic evaluation criteria, the words are “perfect” because Trump said them, and because they’re actually part of the English language — regardless of the countervailing facts that only one is more than five letters long, and together they form a sentence that is utterly devoid of meaning. See below.

6. If you believe Conservative Tribune, liberals won’t be happy until drug-smuggling illegal immigrant welfare recipients take over the federal government and impose legislation mandating abortion clinics on every street corner not already occupied by a mosque and forcing Christians to eat erotically-themed cake at gay weddings held at reception halls with transgender bathrooms.

C. THE IMAGE

7. President Trump, announcing a temporary ban on governing until he figures out what the hell is going on.

D. THE HEADLINE

8. The wiretapping “truthbomb” is that there was no wiretapping as described in Trump’s tweets, which makes them false. Boom.

9. And now, without further ado, Trump’s “12 PERFECT words.” When asked by reporters how he felt about Nunes’ “new” information regarding surveillance, President Trump replied, “I very much appreciate the fact that they found what they found.” We’re as serious as a Russian opposition figure’s staged heart attack — that’s Trump’s rhetorical masterpiece. 12 words — count ’em — and, remarkably, not one is “Trump.” No doubt, from this moment forward, all Americans will recall where they were and what they were doing on the day that Donald Trump uttered a vacuous, self-referential statement about a purported discovery he refused to publicly divulge.

E. THE NUDGE

10. Pity unfortunate liberals, outfoxed by Trump once again. How can they possibly respond to Trump’s statement of appreciation for one of his congressional stooges obediently laundering intelligence from the White House that in no way vindicates his blatant and obvious lies? Maybe they should just pick up that mic and hand it to former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, since he’s suddenly eager to talk.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 9/10
Banality 4/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0042

Trump Vindicated by Still Being Wrong About Wiretapping

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. World News Politics puts a pair of quotation marks at the beginning of its patently false statement, without inserting another pair at the end, either (a) in a vain attempt to add a hint of validity to something that no reasonable human being ever would have actually said, or (b) because it’s hard to find a good English teacher in Macedonia.

3. The “official House investigation” (we use two pairs of quotation marks here to attribute this typically imprecise reference to World News Politics, and also to highlight what a total joke the House Intelligence Committee’s Russia inquiry has become) did not confirm that wiretapping “happened on” President Trump (or “Donald J. Trump,” as WNP prefers to call him, in order to make sure that no one mistakenly believes it’s talking about some other chief executive of the United States who claimed to have been illegally wiretapped without a shred of evidence). Rather, the Committee explosively revealed that its obsequious Republican Chairman, Devin Nunes, obtained some information, from somewhere, indicating that someone’s communications about something may have been somehow intercepted via some form of surveillance upon some other individuals sometime in the past few months by some government agency for some undisclosed reason not related to the subject investigation.

4. Full details inside what? Does World News Politics think this is a magazine cover?

5. The Democrats must be embarrassed that President Trump’s baseless claims remain entirely unsubstantiated.

C. THE IMAGE

6. President Trump, pushing his way through the imaginary crowd at his inauguration.

7. Trump always extends his hands toward the camera to make them appear larger than Marco Rubio’s.

8. No wedding ring — it must be Ivanka’s night.

9. Deep breaths, World News Politics … it’s only Day 65. Save some of your giant neon green font for impeachment. 

D. THE HEADLINE

10. We doubt that people have stopped everything they’re doing in, say, Equatorial Guinea, to follow the latest flailing Republican effort to cover Trump’s ass. But it’s certainly not for lack of hilariously over-the-top hype. The linked article shouts from atop Mount Olympus: “WOW, this is huge!!! All Trump claims happened to be true! Obama should rot in jail for this!!! Oh god, this is a political earthquake! This is epic shock for everybody! Trump is right once more time [sic], again!!! He is the best president we ever had! God Bless America!”

11. Within the universal laws of time and space commonly referred to as “reality,” Congressman Nunes did not validate Trump’s claim that his “phones” or “wires” were tapped, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping occurred just before the 2016 presidential election, did not validate Trump’s claim that former President Obama ordered wiretapping, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping occurred at Trump Tower, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping “found nothing,” did not validate Trump’s claim that Obama is a “bad (or sick) guy,” did not validate Trump’s claim that he is a victim of “McCarthyism,” and did not validate Trump’s claim that the prior administration was involved in a scandal equivalent to “Nixon/Watergate.” In fact, even after his cryptic announcement that he’d learned of “alarming” new facts about surveillance, Nunes reiterated that he’s still seen no evidence to suggest that Trump’s wiretapping allegations are true — which, of course, they’re not. So the whole world will have to start up again. We apologize for any inconvenience.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 3/10 • Vileness 2/10