Exhibit 0041

Trump Saves Israel by Failing to Block Aid to Palestinians

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Given that this spiteful, immature clown was born into great wealth, made gobs more money mismanaging socially irredeemable companies, and somehow became President of the United States, it would seem that God has already blessed Donald Trump enough to make believers seriously consider switching their allegiance to Satan.

C. THE IMAGE

3. President Trump, pretending to look like a strong, determined leader in an official photo before heading off to Mar-a-Lago for a round of golf with Tim Allen.

4. The remaining three-quarters of Trump’s signature red tie hangs down to his knees.

5. While Trump was getting his picture taken, British secret agents hired by Barack Obama installed a hidden camera in the White House kitchen’s microwave oven.

D. THE HEADLINE

6. Conservative Army is literally having an orgasm over its own fake news story.

7. The list of Israeli saviors now includes Moses, David, and the former host of “Celebrity Apprentice.”

8. Trump’s “one move” was to order the U.S. State Department to review a $221 million foreign aid disbursement to the Palestinians issued in the waning days of the Obama Administration. Although the linked article describes the grant as a “massive payment from the White House to [the] Palestinian government,” none of the money, which was approved by Congress, went directly to the Palestinian Authority. Rather, it was allocated to various infrastructure, health, education, and recovery programs in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, and also to paying back Israeli creditors.

9. According to the barely coherent article, Trump is “THE BEST” because he “stopped” the $221 million payment, which “is clearly against Israel [sic] interests and demands.” As it turns out, however, the payment actually was released before Trump took office and could not be rescinded. So, in a sense, Trump took decisive action for Israel; but in another, more accurate sense, he did absolutely nothing.

E. THE NUDGE

10. If Conservative Army loves Trump so much, why doesn’t it marry him? Or at least let him grab it by the pussy?

11. Israel must be grateful to President Trump for saving it “form it is” enemies, which evidently include Israeli banks. Maybe next year he’ll outdo himself by mentioning the Jews on Holocaust Remembrance Day.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0039

Toothless Trump Tweet Destroys Democratic Party

President Trump and Senator Schumer

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. USA Politics Today doesn’t seem to realize that “the Dems” it thinks it’s smacking down aren’t actually in the room … or reading this Facebook post … or aware that USA Politics Today exists. Maybe it needs some more of those attention-grabbing asterisks.

3. That is to say, via Twitter — the official communications medium of disappointed “Walking Dead” fans, drunk rappers, resentful stay-at-home moms, and the 45th President of the United States.

4. America is great again — capitalize any word you want.

5. So, President Trump is diverting his fleeting attention from the vitally important business of running the country to personally endeavor to get a random right-wing article vapidly praising his combative governance shared 950,000 times? We intended to make a joke about how absurd that is, but, honestly, the only implausible element is that Trump’s target is less than a million.

6. Remember to use two exclamation points, or President Trump will publicly accuse you of wiretapping his phones.

C. THE IMAGE

7. Donald Trump’s enormous head. It looks like a giant chunk of lightly breaded salmon.

8. The gayest picture USA Politics Today could find of Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer.

9. Photoshopped breasts protruding from Senator Schumer’s chest … or at least we, uh, hope they’re photoshopped.

D. THE HEADLINE

10. Okay, are you ready? The ONE WORD Trump called Senate Democrats that will ruin them forever is … “disgraceful.” Yes, there’s clearly no way they can ever recover from that. It’ll be an adjustment moving to a one-party system, but the Democrats can’t continue fielding candidates after Trump pointed out their disgracefulness. To be precise, the damning word was “disgrace,” which the President used to describe what the Democrats are doing, rather than the Democrats themselves. Tweeth Trump: “It is a disgrace that my full Cabinet is still not in place, the longest such delay in the history of our country. Obstruction by Democrats!” Remarkably, this pithy missive — which, in a first for Trump, occurred before midnight — does not contain a single misspelling, ridiculous conspiracy theory, or comment on the appearance of Ted Cruz’s wife. But lest anyone overlook the tweet’s monumental significance, the author of the linked article explains that the Democrats are now finished “because it’s their DISGRACEFUL tactics that make the American people distrust them so freaking much.” In other words, Trump saying that the Democrats’ actions are a disgrace will destroy them because they are so disgraceful. You can’t argue with logic.

E. THE NUDGE

11. USA Politics Today has a pretty low bar for what’s “totally freaking nuts.”

12. The post trails off with an oddly coy unfinished sentence — “Donald Trump has been president for … ” Come on, USA Politics — don’t leave us hanging. Alas, there’s no way to find out how long the pre-impeachment Trump presidency has lasted without reading the insipid article, unless you have access to a calendar and enough fortitude to count the days since our cherished democracy formalized the biggest blunder in its history. Pick your poison.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 6/10 • Idiocy 7/10
Banality 9/10 • Vileness 3/10

Exhibit 0037

Failed Trump-Ordered Military Strike Spells Doom for Terrorists

Military Unit and President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. You can’t go wrong asking God to bless our troops — just make sure it’s the kick-ass God of the Old Testament, and not that wussy New Testament “Prince of Peace.”

C. THE IMAGE

3. Stock photo of some random military unit that’s not the Navy SEAL team sent to Yemen in the counter-terrorism operation celebrated in this post, deploying from a helicopter that’s not the chronically unreliable $75 million V-22 Osprey that malfunctioned during the attack and had to be destroyed.

4. Tough-talking commander-in-chief with no military experience who relied upon dubious draft deferments to avoid risking his neck in the Vietnam War.

D. THE HEADLINE

5. We’re sure the men and women of America’s armed forces who’ve spent the last 15 years decimating al Qaeda and driving back ISIS appreciate USA Politics’ assertion that our effort to eradicate these global terrorist organizations has “just begun.”

6. Trump send troops … Trump smash … Not to ruin the mood, but the raid actually was conceived and planned during the Obama Administration. The mission was delayed for operational reasons, and President Obama declined to approve it before he left office. Then newly inaugurated President Trump, determined to make Yemen great again, gave the green light in between critical tweets about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s low ratings on “The Apprentice.”

7. The raid was deadly, all right — in addition to a dozen or so militants, a SEAL team member was killed, along with 23 innocent civilians, including women and children. Three other SEALs were wounded.

8. The exclamation point really puts an exclamation point on this story. Unfortunately, the mission (which, factoring in the loss of our aircraft, blew around $100 million) was a near-total disaster. While some useful intelligence allegedly was obtained, U.S. forces were detected before they reached the enemy compound, sparking the fatal firefight, and failed to capture their prime target — the leader of al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula. Moreover, due to the high civilian death toll, the Yemeni government is now reconsidering allowing the United States to conduct operations at will inside its sectarian mess of a country. But it’s unpatriotic to dwell on the human and economic costs of military action. USA Politics’ article admonishes us, in its customary broken English, that “we have to pay that price if we want to leave [sic] in secured world and if we want US to be safe. The freedom and liberty comes always with a price! That’s why we always should pay huge respect and love to our soldiers!” Next time, when President Trump has a chance to plan his own mission from scratch, we’ll carpet bomb the bastards, seize their non-existent oil, and waterboard them until they agree to sell Ivanka’s dresses.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0032

Kids’ Undeniable Wonderfulness Means Trump Must Be Pretty Great

Donald Trump and Children

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Hopefully Spiderman knows the difference between “its” and “it’s.”

3. We get Spiderman and Jesus mixed up all the time.

C. THE IMAGE

4. Eric Trump (“The Creepy One”) — spends money donated to his charitable foundation on his father’s businesses; thinks only weak women let themselves be sexually harassed; enjoys killing large endangered animals in impoverished nations.

5. Donald Trump Jr. (“The Dickish One”) — compares war-displaced Syrian refugees to candy; jokes about mass shootings; mocks overweight people; believes his father’s vile boasts of sexual assault make him “human;” also enjoys killing endangered animals.

6. Ivanka Trump (“The Likable One”) — uses free news media to hawk her overpriced merchandise; promotes “women’s issues” while brushing off her father’s rampant sexism; ignores the regressive employment policies of companies that sell her clothes; has not yet killed any endangered animals.

7. Donald Trump, trying to remember the name of that other kid who uses too much mascara.

D. THE HEADLINE

8. It seems unlikely that many Trump haters are visiting Clash Daily’s Facebook page.

9. Putting “evil” in quotes suggests that Trump’s opponents actually have called him evil. But the quotation marks are omitted from Clash Daily’s article, which states that Trump “is pure evil, according to The Hildebeest.” Presumably, “The Hildebeest” refers to Hillary Clinton, who never said anything of the sort.

10. Hmmm … that’s a real head-scratcher. Trump haters must regret conceding that his kids are awesome. When was that again?

E. THE NUDGE

11. Though it’s hard to find amid Clash Daily’s bombardment of pop-up ads, the full sentence in the article reads, “If you believe Hillary and the Never Trumpers, Donald Trump is the most corrupt candidate to ever run for the White House and we must all hate him.” The article continues, “If that’s true then why are Trump’s kids so very impressive?” Evidently Clash Daily cannot conceive of a situation in which someone’s children turn out more upright and reputable than their parents. But it’s a moot point because, despite CD’s sycophantic assumption to the contrary, Trump’s celebrated spawn aren’t “very impressive” in any respect, other than being rich.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 4/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 6/10 • Vileness 6/10

Exhibit 0031

Ivanka Trump Alleviates Concerns About Megalomaniacal Dad With Trite Platitude

Ivanka Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. If America really needs to hear this right NOW, why doesn’t Patriot Journal simply tell us what it is? Oh, that’s right — because it’s actually nothing.

3. Patriot Journal decrees to its befuddled, zombified readers what state of mind their future actions will represent.

C. THE IMAGE

4. The next First Lady of the United States, Ivanka Trump. Look for her official portrait sitting on the President’s lap.

D. THE HEADLINE

5. If a truth bomb explodes and no one outside the alt-right echo chamber hears it, does it make a sound?

6. You can just set down that quotation mark anywhere.

7. Goodness — how might this dramatic declaration be completed? “My father will NEVER” … stop tweeting about SNL at 3:00 AM? Run out of Tic Tacs? Get tired of emasculating Mitt Romney? According to the article, Ivanka told the nation that her father “will never let you down.” Yeah, that’s it — that’s the whole story. Allow us a moment to collect ourselves.

E. THE NUDGE

8. Donald Trump’s “haters” are instantly silenced by his fawning, financially dependent daughter/employee’s vacuous, subjective, and unverifiable assurance that he won’t disappoint America, despite the fact that he’s already alienated one half of its citizens and backed away from most of the patently ridiculous promises he made to the other. So it should be smooth sailing from here on out.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 6/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 10/10 • Vileness 2/10