Exhibit 0046

North Korea Infuriates Trump by Acting Same Way It Always Does

President Trump and Kim Jong Un

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. President Trump is so furious about North Korea that he jetted down to Palm Beach for another relaxing weekend of golf and groping at his Mar-a-Lago resort. Hopefully he won’t run into the health inspector.

3. We assume that when World News Politics makes mention of “our” country, it’s doing so figuratively, unless it’s referring to Macedonia.

4. That’s it — only 10,000 likes to support the United States of Trump when we’re teetering on the brink of pseudo-nuclear war? Just two installments ago we featured another ginned up missive from one of World News Politics’ partner fake news sites asking for 500,000 likes to support the firing of FBI Director Jim Comey. Guess the price of freedom is cheap after all.

5. Looks like World News Politics accidentally switched off all-caps for a second there, which nearly ruined the ambiance of its non-stop shouting. Luckily it compensated for its error by using five exclamation points at the end of the sentence.

C. THE IMAGE

6. President Trump, just one more bad poll result away from going MOAB on North Korea’s ass.

7. North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong Un, terrified by Trump’s tweets of mass destruction, also hungry for pie.

D. THE HEADLINE

8. Remember when alt-right conservatives wanted America to stay out of foreign conflicts? It was around the same time they believed that NATO was obsolete, thought China was a currency manipulator, and advocated raising interest rates.

9. What Kim did was threaten to go to war with the United States, which actually is pretty thinkable, since he’s done it every single day for the past five years.

10. If you bother to go to the linked article and make it past the giant anatomically-illustrated ad offering to share “1 crazy trick to fix your erectile dysfunction” (which reveals a lot about the target audience), you won’t find any evidence that President Trump is “furious,” or, indeed, any discussion of Trump’s emotional state whatsoever. The article doesn’t even directly quote Trump at all, instead inserting a video clip of a recent interview with the President about North Korea on the Fox Business Network, in which, if anything, he sounds unnaturally calm and dismissive (the clip’s YouTube title describes Trump as “coy”). When asked how the U.S. will respond to North Korea’s continued defiance, Trump simply shrugs and replies, “You never know, do you? You never know.” The article concludes rather incongruously, proclaiming that Trump has performed an Easter miracle by ending Kim’s rule in some unspecified way, and then warning that, if Kim conducts another nuclear test, it will result in “World War 3.” No exclamation point was deemed necessary.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 6/10
Banality 3/10 • Vileness 6/10

Exhibit 0042

Trump Vindicated by Still Being Wrong About Wiretapping

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. World News Politics puts a pair of quotation marks at the beginning of its patently false statement, without inserting another pair at the end, either (a) in a vain attempt to add a hint of validity to something that no reasonable human being ever would have actually said, or (b) because it’s hard to find a good English teacher in Macedonia.

3. The “official House investigation” (we use two pairs of quotation marks here to attribute this typically imprecise reference to World News Politics, and also to highlight what a total joke the House Intelligence Committee’s Russia inquiry has become) did not confirm that wiretapping “happened on” President Trump (or “Donald J. Trump,” as WNP prefers to call him, in order to make sure that no one mistakenly believes it’s talking about some other chief executive of the United States who claimed to have been illegally wiretapped without a shred of evidence). Rather, the Committee explosively revealed that its obsequious Republican Chairman, Devin Nunes, obtained some information, from somewhere, indicating that someone’s communications about something may have been somehow intercepted via some form of surveillance upon some other individuals sometime in the past few months by some government agency for some undisclosed reason not related to the subject investigation.

4. Full details inside what? Does World News Politics think this is a magazine cover?

5. The Democrats must be embarrassed that President Trump’s baseless claims remain entirely unsubstantiated.

C. THE IMAGE

6. President Trump, pushing his way through the imaginary crowd at his inauguration.

7. Trump always extends his hands toward the camera to make them appear larger than Marco Rubio’s.

8. No wedding ring — it must be Ivanka’s night.

9. Deep breaths, World News Politics … it’s only Day 65. Save some of your giant neon green font for impeachment. 

D. THE HEADLINE

10. We doubt that people have stopped everything they’re doing in, say, Equatorial Guinea, to follow the latest flailing Republican effort to cover Trump’s ass. But it’s certainly not for lack of hilariously over-the-top hype. The linked article shouts from atop Mount Olympus: “WOW, this is huge!!! All Trump claims happened to be true! Obama should rot in jail for this!!! Oh god, this is a political earthquake! This is epic shock for everybody! Trump is right once more time [sic], again!!! He is the best president we ever had! God Bless America!”

11. Within the universal laws of time and space commonly referred to as “reality,” Congressman Nunes did not validate Trump’s claim that his “phones” or “wires” were tapped, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping occurred just before the 2016 presidential election, did not validate Trump’s claim that former President Obama ordered wiretapping, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping occurred at Trump Tower, did not validate Trump’s claim that wiretapping “found nothing,” did not validate Trump’s claim that Obama is a “bad (or sick) guy,” did not validate Trump’s claim that he is a victim of “McCarthyism,” and did not validate Trump’s claim that the prior administration was involved in a scandal equivalent to “Nixon/Watergate.” In fact, even after his cryptic announcement that he’d learned of “alarming” new facts about surveillance, Nunes reiterated that he’s still seen no evidence to suggest that Trump’s wiretapping allegations are true — which, of course, they’re not. So the whole world will have to start up again. We apologize for any inconvenience.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 3/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0013

Unethical Partisan Anesthesiologist Pretty Sure Clinton Is Dying

Hillary Clinton Leaving 9/11 Memorial

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Capitalizing “Doctor” makes everything a doctor says extra-true, even if he’s talking out of his ass.

3. The doctor in question, a politically motivated, conspiracy theorizing anesthesiologist from Orlando, Florida named Ted Noel, didn’t “predict” anything about Hillary Clinton — he merely appeared in a slightly creepy self-made video offering his (literal) armchair assessment of Clinton’s present physical condition based on some stuff he’s seen on TV and the Internet. This startling evidence includes, among other telltale signs of deadly illness, the facts that Clinton occasionally coughs, nods when other people are speaking, and wears pantsuits.

4. It doesn’t appear that Dr. Noel needs much help spreading the word, as his video is already widely circulating throughout the deplorosphere.

5. It would be just like the mainstream media to bury a story that has utterly no informative value. Those biased elites shamelessly promote their “reality” agenda every chance they get.

C. THE IMAGE

6. Clinton’s bodyguard / paid assassin memorizing the names of conservative authors on his hit list.

7. Clinton’s traveling neurologist / electropulse implant manager asking a campaign aide if he can discretely get a hold of some jumper cables.

8. Clinton’s secret older sister, Rebecca Rodham, who escaped from the mental institution she was hidden away in for 53 years and now threatens to reveal the terrible truth about Hillary’s pact with the Devil.

9. Hillary Clinton, or Clinton’s body double, or Clinton’s clone, or Clinton’s reanimated corpse, or a cyborg constructed to look like Clinton, or … 

D. THE HEADLINE

10. BREAKING: right-wing websites have been pushing this garbage for months; the only thing new is that Clinton’s recent bout with non-terminal pneumonia has given them another opening.

11. “Diagnosed” normally implies that the person giving the diagnosis actually examined (or, you know, at least met) the patient. However, in this case, Dr. Noel comes up a bit short. Indeed, in his video, Noel readily admits, “I am not Hillary Clinton’s treating physician, so I can’t claim that what I’m about to tell you is a conclusive diagnosis,” before conclusively diagnosing that Hillary Clinton has advanced Parkinson’s disease. As long as he’s got the mic, Noel also wants his fans to know that he’s “firmly opposed to Hillary Clinton on political and moral grounds” because she “lies about everything.”

12. One wonders if any people who actually have Parkinson’s disease read World News Politics, and, if so, how they feel about WNP hyping the probability that it will kill them.

13. World News Politics can barely contain its excitement at the prospect of Clinton being gravely ill, but Dr. Noel is concerned about the potential consequences for America. Imagining a Clinton victory in November, he muses: “Our president must always be strong and clear-headed. If she is not doing the job, then who will? Will it be Huma Abedin, who has been associated with Muslim causes and directly involved in the Clinton Foundation corruption? Will it be Bill Clinton, who is at the center of the Clinton Foundation corruption? … Or will Vice President Tim Kaine take over? Of course, then the Clintons would lose their juice.” Exactly the type of questions you’d expect a responsible physician to be be asking, and well within the purview of the average anesthesiologist. Perhaps next, if he can find the time during his inevitable disciplinary hearing, Dr. Noel will tell us what really happened in Benghazi.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 6/10
Banality 4/10 • Vileness 8/10

Exhibit 0011

Trump Posts Something Staff Threw Together About 9/11

Donald Trump at 9/11 Memorial

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. That is, actual journalists.

3. Apostrophes are for losers.

4. It’s an outrage how little time the media spends covering Trump. He’s practically invisible.

5. Can the office be on the Moon?

6. Wow — that visit to a black church really rubbed off on Team Trump.

C. THE IMAGE

7. Good thing World News Politics added a giant yellow arrow pointing to Donald Trump; otherwise we’d have no idea who this post mentioning Donald Trump four times in the text and featuring a photo with Donald Trump clearly visible at its center is about.

8. Made in Notamerica.

9. Only person of color allowed this close to Trump is Secret Service agent who drew short straw for assignment.

10. Congressman Peter King scans crowd to make sure everyone remains standing for national anthem.

D. THE HEADLINE

11. Stay classy, World News Politics. If Clinton was busy dying, she must have slacked off, because it turns out she only has a mild case of pneumonia.

12. The “incredible thing” Trump did was issue a perfunctory 278-word press release that almost certainly was written by somebody else stringing together the same empty platitudes every politician recites about 9/11 and post it on his campaign website (immediately followed by the “Crooked Hillary Question of the Day”). That’s it. In the article, World News Politics gushes that the trite, cliché-filled statement “sums up what September 11th means for America and the victims in the most perfect way imaginable.” We’re sure the 9/11 survivors were deeply moved by Trump’s excellence.

E. THE NUDGE

13. None of the networks are saying that Clinton “almost DIED,” because that would be absurd.

14. Poor Clinton — “se was just too seek.” But we’re more concerned about World News Politics’ editor, who appears to suffer from some terrible affliction that prevents him from forming simple, coherent sentences.

15. Clinton actually was at the ceremony for an hour and a half, while the temperature hovered in the mid-80s, standing in a packed crowd, fighting pneumonia — which might show a bit more determination to honor the victims of 9/11 than Trump’s generic gesture.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 4/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 7/10 • Vileness 7/10

Exhibit 0008

Old Rich White Male Right-Wing Christian CEO Reluctantly Endorses Donald Trump

Donald Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Donald Trump is counting on you to help increase World News Politics’ ad revenue. Don’t let him down!

C. THE IMAGE

3. By divine act of creation, Donald Trump’s immaculate physical form spontaneously emerges from the infinite void of eternal darkness at the beginning of the Universe. And the Lord saw that it was great — bigly. The absolute best.

4. Made in Indonesia.

5. Made in Honduras (horrifying sweatshop bonus).

6. Made in China.

D. THE HEADLINE

7. World News Politics’ editors are 15-year-old boys from 1987.

8. The MASSIVE ENDORSEMENT (or, as spelled in World News Politics’ special version of the English language, “ENDORSMENT”) that will sway millions of votes and dramatically alter the course of the 2016 presidential election came from one of the most well-known, influential leaders in America today — David Green! That’s right, David Green — the conservative Christian CEO of Hobby Lobby, a chain of God-fearing retail arts and crafts stores based in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. You’ve heard the saying, “As Oklahoma goes, so goes the nation.” Green loves Jesus, hates Obamacare, and took a courageous stand against providing contraceptives to his female employees. With Green’s support, Trump will have a real shot at winning an electorally insignificant state that always goes Republican and make inroads with the rich white male voters over 70 he so desperately needs. We might as well declare the contest over right now and start building that wall.

9. “Crushing Hillary” = “trailing Hillary by 3 points.”

10. This sounds like it was written by the North Korean Ministry of Propaganda. Alas, Mr. Green was somewhat less effusive in his low-energy endorsement of Trump, which was predicated entirely on the rationale that a fake Republican is more likely to nominate future U.S. Supreme Court justices he approves of than a real Democrat. Green’s tepidity may not be surprising given the fact that he previously endorsed Marco Rubio over Trump in the GOP primary, explaining at the time that Trump “scares me to death” and that he wanted the president to be someone “my kids, my grandkids and my great-grandkids can emulate.” Green observed that his $3.5 billion-a-year “family business” might have been more successful than Trump’s, “but that doesn’t make either of us qualified to be president.” He pointedly added, “And unlike Mr. Trump, we give all the credit to God.” The Supreme Being could not be reached for comment.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 6/10 • Idiocy 3/10
Banality 7/10 • Vileness 1/10