Exhibit 0045

U.S. Neutralizes Russia by Sending Token Military Force to Poland

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. [Sigh …] No, it isn’t — unless you find ridiculously over-the-top exaggerations about the purported accomplishments of grossly incompetent, undemocratically-elected political leaders “amazing.”

3. Step aside, Abe Lincoln. Suck it, FDR. Donald Trump is the strongest president in U.S. history because he grudgingly approved a minor troop deployment to Eastern Europe in a symbolic attempt to gloss over his own indifference to Russian territorial expansion.

4. Surprisingly, on this occasion USA Politics Today has refrained from telling us how many hundreds of thousands of times we need to share its craptacular post in order to “send a message” to President Trump; but if we share it at all, we are deemed by virtue of USAPT’s clever hashtag translation to have formally acknowledged Trump’s unrivaled greatness, which may be used against us in a future legal action or divorce proceeding.

C. THE IMAGE

5. President Trump, carefully spelling out which methods of killing innocent babies will result in a U.S. missile strike, and which will not.

6. Trump’s elfin index finger is 1.8 inches long. No wonder Melania sleeps in her own bed.

D. THE HEADLINE

7. USA Politics Today hasn’t been this impressed by a presidential decision since Trump boldly used his 3-wood out of the rough at Mar-a-Lago last weekend.

8. Actually, President Trump (a.k.a. Defense Secretary Mattis) sent about 900 U.S. soldiers to northeastern Poland. The remainder of the multinational force consists of 150 British troops and 120 Romanians. Their official mission is to “deter aggression,” not “fight Russia.” But if a need to launch an attack arises, we’re sure that Trump will courteously call Putin an hour in advance to warn him.

9. Although this sounds like another vapidly asinine exclamation from a right-wing media site, it turns out to be a real quote from U.S. Army Lt. Colonel Steven Gventer, who heads the battle group. Which makes one wonder — are there situations in which our expensively equipped soldiers are only partially ready to be lethal? Or merely ready to be non-lethal? Regardless, the author of the linked article can’t contain his fabricated excitement, shouting out: “The world is going to be afraid from America again! We are going to be number one again! Trump will make America great! GOD BLESS AMERICA!” And God bless Poland, for believing it can count on Mr. Flexible to honor America’s international commitments when lethal-ready Russian tanks start massing on its borders.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 8/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0044

Comey Will Pay for Not Pretending Trump Was Wiretapped

President Trump and FBI Director James Comey

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. It’s not that FBI Director James Comey’s investigation of the Trump-Russia matter is over, or that his government career is over. It’s that, rather more ominously, James Comey, the person, is “over.” Sounds like something Vladimir Putin would say.

3. It’s hard to imagine that even President Trump’s most brainless supporters think this is really “the end,” unless we’re talking about the Rapture, which most of them believe is right around the corner.

4. It’s going to be tough for the media to cover up the complete cessation Comey’s existence as a corporal human being, but those liberal bastards at CNN will probably find a way.

5. We’re supposed to share this Macedonian clickbait 500,000 times? Guess we’d better put on another pot of coffee. We hope Drago and his enterprising friends at Veles High enjoy their new motor scooters.

6. Evidently “FIRE COMEY TRUMP!” is the only comment that meets USA Politics Today’s high rhetorical standards. And if you leave out that exclamation point, you’ll have to start your 500,000 shares all over again.

7. We’re sure President Trump isn’t going to allow his important decisions to be influenced by some dubious right-wing websi … uh … never mind. 

8. Is this a Facebook post or a homework assignment? How can we describe a bumbling, hand-wringing public servant whose obsessive preoccupation with his own reputation triggered a nationwide political catastrophe in only “2 word”? “Colossal fuck-up” just doesn’t seem to do it justice. Maybe someone should ask Hillary Clinton.

C. THE IMAGE

9. “High Energy” Donald Trump, displaying his laser-like focus and incredible stamina while waiting to receive stick figure illustrations of America’s health care system from Steve Bannon.

10. James Comey, revealing newly obtained evidence of his utter incompetence.

D. THE HEADLINE

11. Come on, USA Politics — can’t you show a little more feeling?

12. “Crawling on the floor” — sounds like Putin again. We won’t know for sure until we test Comey’s blood for polonium.

13. This probably comes as no surprise to our regular readers, but what Trump did to “destroy” Comey turns out to be … nothing. The linked article merely (and absurdly) contends that Comey perjured himself during his testimony before the House Intelligence Committee when he said there was no evidence to support President Trump’s claim that the Obama Administration wiretapped his phones at Trump Tower before the 2016 election. The article asserts that Comey lied to the Committee because its Chairman, Devin “Midnight Run” Nunes, “confirmed that President elect-Trump and his team were surveilled all the way until Inauguration Day,” even though, in actuality, Nunes did no such thing. The farthest the article goes in detailing retaliatory action by Trump is to predict that he’s “about to crush the damn Democrats into dust with this” and that “Obama is ruined.” However, according to our fact-checkers, Comey is neither a Democrat, nor Obama, and is still serving as head of the FBI, seemingly oblivious to his destruction. So, if we had to describe USA Politics’ post in two words, they would have to be “total bullshit.”

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 9/10
Banality 4/10 • Vileness 3/10

Exhibit 0039

Toothless Trump Tweet Destroys Democratic Party

President Trump and Senator Schumer

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. USA Politics Today doesn’t seem to realize that “the Dems” it thinks it’s smacking down aren’t actually in the room … or reading this Facebook post … or aware that USA Politics Today exists. Maybe it needs some more of those attention-grabbing asterisks.

3. That is to say, via Twitter — the official communications medium of disappointed “Walking Dead” fans, drunk rappers, resentful stay-at-home moms, and the 45th President of the United States.

4. America is great again — capitalize any word you want.

5. So, President Trump is diverting his fleeting attention from the vitally important business of running the country to personally endeavor to get a random right-wing article vapidly praising his combative governance shared 950,000 times? We intended to make a joke about how absurd that is, but, honestly, the only implausible element is that Trump’s target is less than a million.

6. Remember to use two exclamation points, or President Trump will publicly accuse you of wiretapping his phones.

C. THE IMAGE

7. Donald Trump’s enormous head. It looks like a giant chunk of lightly breaded salmon.

8. The gayest picture USA Politics Today could find of Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer.

9. Photoshopped breasts protruding from Senator Schumer’s chest … or at least we, uh, hope they’re photoshopped.

D. THE HEADLINE

10. Okay, are you ready? The ONE WORD Trump called Senate Democrats that will ruin them forever is … “disgraceful.” Yes, there’s clearly no way they can ever recover from that. It’ll be an adjustment moving to a one-party system, but the Democrats can’t continue fielding candidates after Trump pointed out their disgracefulness. To be precise, the damning word was “disgrace,” which the President used to describe what the Democrats are doing, rather than the Democrats themselves. Tweeth Trump: “It is a disgrace that my full Cabinet is still not in place, the longest such delay in the history of our country. Obstruction by Democrats!” Remarkably, this pithy missive — which, in a first for Trump, occurred before midnight — does not contain a single misspelling, ridiculous conspiracy theory, or comment on the appearance of Ted Cruz’s wife. But lest anyone overlook the tweet’s monumental significance, the author of the linked article explains that the Democrats are now finished “because it’s their DISGRACEFUL tactics that make the American people distrust them so freaking much.” In other words, Trump saying that the Democrats’ actions are a disgrace will destroy them because they are so disgraceful. You can’t argue with logic.

E. THE NUDGE

11. USA Politics Today has a pretty low bar for what’s “totally freaking nuts.”

12. The post trails off with an oddly coy unfinished sentence — “Donald Trump has been president for … ” Come on, USA Politics — don’t leave us hanging. Alas, there’s no way to find out how long the pre-impeachment Trump presidency has lasted without reading the insipid article, unless you have access to a calendar and enough fortitude to count the days since our cherished democracy formalized the biggest blunder in its history. Pick your poison.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 6/10 • Idiocy 7/10
Banality 9/10 • Vileness 3/10

Exhibit 0037

Failed Trump-Ordered Military Strike Spells Doom for Terrorists

Military Unit and President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. You can’t go wrong asking God to bless our troops — just make sure it’s the kick-ass God of the Old Testament, and not that wussy New Testament “Prince of Peace.”

C. THE IMAGE

3. Stock photo of some random military unit that’s not the Navy SEAL team sent to Yemen in the counter-terrorism operation celebrated in this post, deploying from a helicopter that’s not the chronically unreliable $75 million V-22 Osprey that malfunctioned during the attack and had to be destroyed.

4. Tough-talking commander-in-chief with no military experience who relied upon dubious draft deferments to avoid risking his neck in the Vietnam War.

D. THE HEADLINE

5. We’re sure the men and women of America’s armed forces who’ve spent the last 15 years decimating al Qaeda and driving back ISIS appreciate USA Politics’ assertion that our effort to eradicate these global terrorist organizations has “just begun.”

6. Trump send troops … Trump smash … Not to ruin the mood, but the raid actually was conceived and planned during the Obama Administration. The mission was delayed for operational reasons, and President Obama declined to approve it before he left office. Then newly inaugurated President Trump, determined to make Yemen great again, gave the green light in between critical tweets about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s low ratings on “The Apprentice.”

7. The raid was deadly, all right — in addition to a dozen or so militants, a SEAL team member was killed, along with 23 innocent civilians, including women and children. Three other SEALs were wounded.

8. The exclamation point really puts an exclamation point on this story. Unfortunately, the mission (which, factoring in the loss of our aircraft, blew around $100 million) was a near-total disaster. While some useful intelligence allegedly was obtained, U.S. forces were detected before they reached the enemy compound, sparking the fatal firefight, and failed to capture their prime target — the leader of al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula. Moreover, due to the high civilian death toll, the Yemeni government is now reconsidering allowing the United States to conduct operations at will inside its sectarian mess of a country. But it’s unpatriotic to dwell on the human and economic costs of military action. USA Politics’ article admonishes us, in its customary broken English, that “we have to pay that price if we want to leave [sic] in secured world and if we want US to be safe. The freedom and liberty comes always with a price! That’s why we always should pay huge respect and love to our soldiers!” Next time, when President Trump has a chance to plan his own mission from scratch, we’ll carpet bomb the bastards, seize their non-existent oil, and waterboard them until they agree to sell Ivanka’s dresses.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0026

New FBI Email Review Makes Anything Said About Clinton True

FBI Director James Comey

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Well, that settles it. The only remaining question is whether Clinton will voluntarily turn herself in to authorities or go out in a Second Amendment blaze of glory.

3. The FBI is not reopening Hillary Clinton’s email investigation, because Clinton never investigated her emails. The FBI also is not reopening its own investigation of Clinton’s emails, which is what USA Politics’ pronoun-challenged editor is trying to falsely assert. Rather, the FBI is merely reviewing additional emails considered potentially pertinent to the Clinton matter that were discovered during a separate, unrelated investigation, as recently revealed to the public in the most confusing and prejudicial way possible.

4. USA Politics’ secret FBI decoder ring generated “immediately found evidence of hiding classified information” from the Bureau’s statement that it needs to review newly discovered emails “to determine whether they contain classified information.”

5. Evidently Clinton thought the perfect place to hide sensitive material was on the unsecured laptop of her aide’s sext-happy husband, then failed to disclose the preposterously implausible scheme.

6. Who is “I”? USA Politics wants its lonely, basement-dwelling readers to feel like they’re conversing with a personal friend, but the only author given for USAP’s article is the rather unfriendly-sounding “Conservative Army,” which is just another rabid right-wing website.

7. Tomorrow is November 1st — care to make a bet?

8. One has to wonder how USA Politics calculates its share requests. Why does it take 10,000 shares to stick it to the liberal media and not, say, 5,000, or 50,000? Is there some kind of a formula?

9. If Clinton’s demise is so obvious, why does it matter whether the liberal media admits it or not?

C. THE IMAGE

10. FBI Director James Comey, pointing to a free-floating concept of fairness that only he can see.

11. Seal of federal department Comey forgot he works for.

12. Flag of nation that might get saddled with an inconceivably unqualified president because a self-obsessed bureaucrat is oversensitive to partisan second-guessing.

13. Picture of Hillary Clinton behind bars, ripped from the insane fantasies of hate-filled hicks. Note that Clinton is wearing the kind of striped prison uniform that hasn’t been in use since the 1930s, which tells you a lot about the age demographic of her opponent’s supporters. Donald Trump is going to make jailhouse garb great again.

D. THE HEADLINE

14. So, if we understand correctly, the Director of the FBI, in total disregard of the U.S. Constitution, obtained unilateral power to incarcerate a major party’s nominee for president, and, based on evidence that he isn’t sure is significant and hasn’t yet reviewed, decided to exercise this power against Hillary Clinton just a few days before this year’s election; yet Clinton somehow remains at large and continues to appear at public events around the country.

15. It’s funny because it’s ridiculously untrue. And it gets even better in the article, which USA Politics begins with a breathless bulletin in broken English that sounds like it was drafted by the Kremlin: “You have to read about FBI. This is how much Hillary is deep in crime and dark methods of hiding evidence and destroying proofs that shows how crooked she is! FBI finally reopened her case, so we hope finally she will end up in jail!” But wait — hasn’t the FBI already decided to throw Clinton in jail? Here USAP becomes a bit more cautious, explaining that while “this could finally be the evidence America needs to put Hillary away for good … it’s still too early to tell.” If only she’d hold up a bank or something — by God, we’d have her then. Let’s get 100,000 shares for that.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 10/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 2/10 • Vileness 5/10