Exhibit 0047

Apocalyptic War With North Korea Will Be Totally Awesome

Kim Jong Un and North Korean Threat

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. They’re actually not “spy pictures” — they’re commercial satellite photos that Conservative Tribune appears to be using without permission.

3. Conservative Tribune put “PROVE” in all-caps, so there’s no denying President Trump’s exact-o-rightness now. Trump magnificently displayed his bold leadership by sending a fleet of warships that nobody else would call an “armada” farther away from North Korea, then lying to the world about it for a week.

4. Spoiler Alert: they didn’t.

5. It must be really tough being president, trying to decide when is the right time to crush uncooperative foreign nations. In the case of North Korea, however, you have to wonder what’s holding Trump back from green-lighting such a simple and effective solution. Are we out of MOABs already? Does Jared need more time to put on his flak jacket? Or is Trump just waiting until he’s finished his chocolate cake?

C. THE IMAGE

6. Precision-marching North Korean army soldiers who love their Dear Leader precisely as much as they love not being fed to his dogs.

7. Eternal Ruler of the People’s Glorious Revolution and three-time DPRK hot dog eating champion Kim Jong Un, who instructed his personal team of follicle technicians to shorten his eyebrows to the length of his lower lip, then had them all shot because one of them spilled his mai tai and probably also was a Western imperialist.

8. Orange and black mushroom cloud that Conservative Tribune suggests is from a North Korean nuclear blast but which looks more like a fireball from a plane crash at the Paris Air Show.

D. THE HEADLINE

9. Here’s an exceedingly rare instance in which Conservative Tribune’s post actually seems understated. You’d think an imminent nuclear castasrophe would warrant all-caps for that “alert” — perhaps even an exclamation point. CT got more excited about Hillary Clinton coughing during last year’s presidential election than it appears to be about the potential annihilation of millions of people by two fat egomaniacs. It must be saving its ink for new revelations about Benghazi.

10. North Korea’s “apocalyptic plans” were to perform another nuclear test deep underground, which, frankly, doesn’t sound like much of an apocalypse, except maybe for earthworms. But it turns out that the only activity conducted at the test site was a spirited volleyball game, captured in subsequent satellite photos (seriously). North Korea later botched a hastily-ordered ballistic missile test, proving that bark-fed aerospace engineers sometimes lose focus under pressure.

11. You’ve gotta admit, “Day of the Sun” is a catchy title for North Korea’s spectacular Kim cultebration. If it rains, the parade committee beats a randomly-selected weatherman to death with umbrellas at Pyongyang National Stadium.

E. THE NUDGE

12. Conservative Tribune ends on a foreboding note, pretending to be worried about what lies ahead, but it knows very well that the creepy weirdos who visit its site would welcome a full-scale nuclear war if it meant they could finally get a return on the thousands of dollars they’ve sunk into their moldering doomsday shelters and the satisfaction of watching their snowflake neighbors literally melt before their eyes. President Trump is going to make Armageddon great again.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 2/10 • Vileness 7/10

Exhibit 0043

Trump Silences Wiretapping Critics With Meaningless Sentence

President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. The unrevealed surveillance revelation might be a bit more “shocking” if anyone other than Congressman Devin Nunes and his White House puppeteers knew what the fuck it actually was.

3. It’s not from “Congress.” It’s not from the House of Representatives. It’s not even from the House Intelligence Committee. It’s from Nunes, via the White House, via (probably) Electoral College President Donald Trump. Which means that Nunes urgently briefed Trump on information that Trump already knew but didn’t deem relevant enough to mention himself in his own defense when he was getting hammered for his asinine tweets about being secretly wiretapped by the prior administration for political gain. Or maybe he just couldn’t figure out a way to boil it down to 140 characters and work in additional commentary about “Sleepy Eyes” Chuck Todd or the Failing New York Times.

4. When a conservative media outlet geared toward bitter old white men says “dropped the mic,” it’s time for the rest of America to stop saying “dropped the mic.” Which is probably just as well, because it’s a pretty stupid expression anyway.

5. In case you’re wondering about Conservative Tribune’s linguistic evaluation criteria, the words are “perfect” because Trump said them, and because they’re actually part of the English language — regardless of the countervailing facts that only one is more than five letters long, and together they form a sentence that is utterly devoid of meaning. See below.

6. If you believe Conservative Tribune, liberals won’t be happy until drug-smuggling illegal immigrant welfare recipients take over the federal government and impose legislation mandating abortion clinics on every street corner not already occupied by a mosque and forcing Christians to eat erotically-themed cake at gay weddings held at reception halls with transgender bathrooms.

C. THE IMAGE

7. President Trump, announcing a temporary ban on governing until he figures out what the hell is going on.

D. THE HEADLINE

8. The wiretapping “truthbomb” is that there was no wiretapping as described in Trump’s tweets, which makes them false. Boom.

9. And now, without further ado, Trump’s “12 PERFECT words.” When asked by reporters how he felt about Nunes’ “new” information regarding surveillance, President Trump replied, “I very much appreciate the fact that they found what they found.” We’re as serious as a Russian opposition figure’s staged heart attack — that’s Trump’s rhetorical masterpiece. 12 words — count ’em — and, remarkably, not one is “Trump.” No doubt, from this moment forward, all Americans will recall where they were and what they were doing on the day that Donald Trump uttered a vacuous, self-referential statement about a purported discovery he refused to publicly divulge.

E. THE NUDGE

10. Pity unfortunate liberals, outfoxed by Trump once again. How can they possibly respond to Trump’s statement of appreciation for one of his congressional stooges obediently laundering intelligence from the White House that in no way vindicates his blatant and obvious lies? Maybe they should just pick up that mic and hand it to former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, since he’s suddenly eager to talk.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 9/10
Banality 4/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0027

Obama Doesn’t Deny Fake Story That He’ll Flee U.S. If Trump Wins Election

President Obama

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. We’re truly shocked by the conditional language in this statement. President Obama “may” have a secret plan? “If” Donald Trump wins the election? These words imply actual nuance and doubt — an almost unheard-of phenomenon on the Right. Are you feeling okay, Conservative Tribune?

3. The only reason reporters thought the rumor was nonsense is that it came from an obviously fake article on a satirical website, demonstrating the mainstream media’s shameful bias against made-up news.

4. One sleep-deprived and possibly drunk reporter asked a sardonic question to White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest on Air Force One.

5. Josh Earnest has never said or done anything “chilling” in his entire life. In fact, there’s no evidence that Earnest has ever instilled a discernible emotion of any kind in another human being.

6. Wait — you mean Conservative Tribune isn’t going to divulge the rumor in its Facebook post so we can decide for ourselves whether the article is worth reading? It’s almost like they’re trying to make us click on the link in order to find out if this story is actually significant.

C. THE IMAGE

7. President Obama, darkly brooding about his nefarious scheme.

8. Gathering clouds of evil.

9. Kenya flag pin.

D. THE HEADLINE

10. If you think “EXPOSED” promises the disclosure of new information that brings some hidden truth to light, you’re in for an unpleasant surprise.

11. Good heavens — what could it be? Will Obama issue another unconstitutional executive order canceling the results of the election and imposing martial law? Unleash a wave of illegal Mexican immigrants to run down Trump supporters with their taco trucks? Surround the White House with a defensive cordon of Black Lives Matter activists and vengeful former beauty pageant contestants? No — according to Conservative Tribune, Obama’s secret plan is simply to leave the country, which you’d think CT’s spiteful readers would be overjoyed about. Of course, in reality — a concept conservatives seem alarmingly unfamiliar with — no such plan exists. The aforementioned “rumor” about Obama’s impending exit originated on an obscure Canadian satire site called The Burrard Street Journal, which ran a humorous article entitled “Obama Declares His Family Will Move to Canada If Trump Is Elected.” CT doesn’t mention the Burrard Street piece in its own entertaining story, but ironically questions whether Obama is “among those paranoid Americans riddled with fear over the GOP candidate’s potential presidency” and might decide to “jettison his nation” if Trump prevails. It appears to be the first time a conservative media outlet has acknowledged that America is Obama’s nation.

12. Here’s Josh Earnest’s super-scary response to the question of whether Obama intends to leave the United States: “He’s working very hard to make sure that nobody has to leave the country as a result of an electoral outcome that the President doesn’t support.” Hopefully no little kids heard that. We’re sleeping with the lights on tonight.

E. THE NUDGE

13. Yes, it’s so like Obama to do absolutely nothing to validate the deplorosphere’s latest nutty conspiracy theory. He even went so far as to lease an expensive new home in Washington D.C., where he claims that he and his family will reside after his term ends next year. He’s also kept his daughter Sasha enrolled at a Washington-area high school while his other daughter Malia prepares to attend Harvard, which, according to our research, is located somewhere in the U.S. Not to spoil CT’s sendoff, but unless this is all an elaborate ruse, it would seem that Obama is prepared to suffer through the Trumpocalypse along with the rest of us.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 7/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 5/10

Exhibit 0022

Media Tries to Hand Election to Clinton by Not Reporting Size of Crowd at Iowa Rally

Hillary Clinton at Iowa Rally

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. As will be seen below, what Conservative Tribune is referring to is not “major,” and it did not “happen to” Hillary Clinton.

3. Truth be told, nothing major ever happens in Iowa, except the presidential primary every four years, and an occasional appearance by corn country’s merciful and loving God in the form of a catastrophic flood or tornado.

4. The best time to say something “had everyone who saw it talking” is when you want to sensationalize a story that no one else actually cares about.

5. The media’s “narrative” is that one of the two main party candidates for president in this year’s election is cleaning the other’s clock. You can fill in the blanks.

6. Well, not “TOTALLY” covered up, obviously — somehow Conservative Tribune’s resilient reporter Wilmot Proviso, whose not-at-all fake name sounds like a clause in the North American Free Trade Agreement, managed to thwart the will of the powerful pro-Clinton Establishment and deliver this explosive news to Great Againia.

7. Now we’ve gone from a “major happening” to “one of the most important incidents of the entire campaign.” So, ladies and gentlemen, here it is: The monumental, game-changing “incident” that the liberal media desperately wants to hide is the alleged fact that “only” about 600 people attended a Clinton campaign rally in Des Moines, Iowa. Swear on a stick of deep-fried butter, that’s it — that’s Conservative Tribune’s political earthquake.

8. Actually, what we hear is the sound of a conservative media site pathetically trying to convince is dejected readers that Donald Trump still has a snowball’s chance in hell of becoming the next president of the United States. In its article, Conservative Tribune contrasts Clinton’s shockingly small 600-person crowd at her Iowa event with the 15,000 people said to have shown up for a Trump speech in Florida. Of course CT made no attempt to independently verify either of these figures — the Clinton number comes from an unsourced guess on another conservative website, and the Trump number comes from one of Donald Trump’s own tweets. But for some historical perspective, Team Trump might recall that Non-President Walter Mondale drew a crowd of over 100,000 in New York on the eve of the 1984 election before losing that state, and almost every other, to Ronald Reagan.

C. THE IMAGE

9. Hillary Clinton, looking surprisingly hale for being on death’s door. Must be all the drugs.

10. Flag of Austria. 

D. THE HEADLINE

11. “Crickets” is Conservative Tribune’s fun way of claiming that competing media outlets geared to the evaporating grown-up audience have deliberately suppressed information about the size of Clinton’s crowds in order to help her campaign (not that it has any proof of this) — because clearly if undecided voters knew that a mere several hundred people attended a Clinton rally in Iowa, they would conclude that Trump was the better choice to lead the free world.

E. THE NUDGE

12. Conservative Tribune thinks virtually everything makes Clinton “FURIOUS.” No wonder she never smiles. But pity the cowering Clinton staffers who failed to ensure that no one who witnessed her outdoor public address in downtown Des Moines tried to estimate the size of the crowd. You know how women get when their election-rigging goes awry.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 7/10
Banality 6/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0018

Eric Trump Considers Father’s Rampant Sexism Less Egregious Than Bill Clinton’s

Bill Clinton and Eric Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Since most observers, whether they love him or hate him, tend to think of Bill Clinton as someone who’s had an uncanny ability to endure ridicule and scorn throughout his long history in public life, it’s a bit surprising that Donald Trump’s weaselly, unaccomplished son could so easily “destroy” him. And how is it even possible to “destroy” a man’s “past with women”? Evidently, when it comes to choosing verbs, Conservative Tribune prefers to err on the side of hyperbole.

3. Unsurprisingly, the article offers no evidence whatsoever that either Hillary Clinton or her campaign is “FURIOUS” about Eric Trump’s soliloquy on Bill’s bad behavior. Indeed, there’s no indication that anyone on Clinton’s team is even aware of it (contacting the campaign for comment apparently is too much trouble). But Conservative Tribune wants its insular, politically incestuous readers to believe that people outside their dismal deplorodrome give a shit what Eric Trump has to say about anything.

4. Unfortunately, the “brutal remark” is a bit garbled. According to the article, on Sean Hannity’s radio show, Eric Trump stated, “It’s amazing when you hear [Hillary Clinton] talk about sexism and these various claims, which are ridiculous, aside from obviously Bill, her husband, being maybe the worst that’s ever lived.” Presumably, by “the worst,” Eric meant that Bill Clinton is (or could be) the worst sexist who ever lived — at least, that’s how Conservative Tribune interprets it. If so, does that make Donald Trump the best sexist who ever lived? Because, as we understand it, Donald is pretty much the best at everything.

5. Except that America has already heard it from Clinton’s detractors, over and over again, for 25 years.

C. THE IMAGE

6. Bill Clinton, feeling deeply ashamed by Eric Trump’s withering assessment of his conduct towards women, or reading a text message that his flight has been cancelled.

7. Eric Trump, looking like a slimy blood-sucking cretin who inherited all of his father’s loathsomeness and likes to kill endangered animals for fun.

D. THE HEADLINE

8. And the relevance of this is … what, exactly?  How does Eric Trump’s opinion that Bill Clinton is a cad have any bearing on whether Donald Trump is a pig? Notably, Donald, unlike Bill, is actually running for president. He’s also on his third wife, has been accused of several extramarital affairs, and can’t seem to stop making disparaging and demeaning comments about the appearance of women unlucky enough to cross his path. Undeterred, Conservative Tribune tries to link Hillary Clinton to Bill’s documented debauchery, alleging in the article that Hillary “permitted” Bill’s behavior and then “targeted his victims.” By the former, CT means that Hillary, like many women faced with this difficult situation, decided to stay in her marriage; by the latter, CT means that, shockingly, Hillary did not have great fondness for the women who had sex with her husband.

E. THE NUDGE

9. Readers must appreciate Conservative Tribune telling them that Eric Trump is “completely right” —  it saves them the trouble of thinking for themselves. However, it would seem there might be at least some room for disagreement as to whether Bill Clinton — a former president who championed women’s issues while in office and had the support of many prominent feminists — is truly the worst sexist since the dawn of time. Just off the top of our heads, we’re wondering if, say, someone like King Henry VIII or Ted Bundy might edge Clinton out. But perhaps Eric is too busy defending his dad to read up on them.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 5/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 5/10