Exhibit 0048

Trump’s Retroactively Approved Cave Bombing Terrifies World

Bomb Blast and President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. We’d have thought it already was pretty well understood that a man who pretended to be a different person in order to promote himself, bragged about grabbing women’s genitalia, and threatened to throw his political opponent in jail is like NO OTHER PRESIDENT BEFORE, but it’s nice of the crack journalists at Conservative Post to nail it down. What’s more, CP exhibits unprecedented objectivity by coyly declining to characterize President Trump’s unlikeness as good or bad, if only because it believes this somehow will induce more clicks by jittery Trump fans alarmed at the possibility that one of their most reliable fake news distributors may have gone astray. They needn’t worry — the linked article is just as laughably slanted in Trump’s favor as the rest of CP’s illustrious body of work.

3. Things seem to be running fairly smoothly despite the world’s collective freak-out over President Trump. One might imagine, for example, scenes of rioting and mayhem in foreign cities, shrieking diplomats jumping off the roof of the United Nations, Vladimir Putin forming his first-ever facial expression, and the like. It’s hard not to feel a little deflated.

C. THE IMAGE

4. Mushroom cloud from a nuclear detonation. That’s right, for another hundred bucks in ad revenue, Conservative Post is willing to imply that President Trump ordered a nuclear strike on one of our adversaries, or (you can’t rule it out) one of our allies. Half of CP’s hyper-suggestible readers probably fell for it.

5. President Trump, looking slightly less orange than usual juxtaposed against a searing nuclear fireball. 

D. THE HEADLINE

6. We just hit the 100-day mark of Trump’s presidency — if the world is panicking now, it’s never going to make it through the next eight years, and then it’ll totally miss out on civilization-ending climate change during the Pence Administration.

7. Ironically, if Trump had used a nuclear weapon, it wouldn’t be something that no other president has ever done before. But, alas, to the crushing disappointment of right-wing morons across America, what Trump did do is considerably less horrific. Trump — or, rather, free-wheeling U.S. military commanders acting on their own initiative without the President’s advance knowledge — deployed, for the first time, a very powerful “conventional” munition affectionately called, in loving memory of Saddam Hussein, the “Mother Of All Bombs.” The MOAB was unceremoniously dropped on a bunch of caves in eastern Afghanistan, allegedly killing three dozen ISIS fighters. President Trump was shown a cool video of the event afterward so he’d have some idea what he’d be taking credit for.

E. THE NUDGE

8. “Oh man”? Conservative Post appears to have run out of steam. Maybe it’s because the thing NO OTHER PRESIDENT HAS EVER DONE turns out to be not objecting after the fact to the use of a really big bomb against a handful of Afghan militants holed up in a remote mountain hideout, which virtually nobody else ever would have even become aware of if the Pentagon hadn’t blabbed about it to the media an hour later. Hopefully one of those generals Trump is smarter than will give him a heads-up before taking a similar action in North Korea.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 10/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 2/10 • Vileness 5/10

Exhibit 0029

Michelle Obama Insults U.S. Veterans by Relating to Struggles of Military Families

Michelle Obama at Event

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Does Conservative Post mean that the First Lady is out of touch with reality, or that she literally occupies another metaphysical plane of existence? Either way, the charge is ironic coming from a website that disputes evolution, denies global warming, and would readily report that Donald Trump is the last son of Krypton in order to garner a few more clicks before Facebook finally pulls the plug.

C. THE IMAGE

3. The most unflattering picture of Michelle Obama that Conservative Post could find on Google before happy hour. The First Lady’s hairstyle suggests it’s probably from 2013. We don’t know where the picture was taken, but it wasn’t at the event that is the subject of CP’s story. See below.

4. Giant arrow pointing to Michelle Obama, just in case Conservative Post’s slow-witted readers fail to realize that the only black woman in a photo illustrating a post about Michelle Obama is Michelle Obama.

5. Rahm Emanuel, wondering why the fuck he wanted to be Mayor of Chicago.

D. THE HEADLINE

6. The First Lady’s remarks were delivered to an audience of over 1,200 soldiers and family members at Fort Campbell, Kentucky during a joint appearance with Dr. Jill Biden to announce a new U.S. government initiative to help veterans and their spouses find jobs. This occurred on (wait for it … ) April 23, 2014 — two and a half years before Conservative Post recycled the story. CP’s article leaves out the date of Michelle Obama’s speech, creating the impression that it happened on this past Veterans Day, which was the day before the article ran.

7. She’s a woman, so we can just call her by her first name. Like Debbie in the typing pool.

8. Did Michelle Obama really claim her life is more difficult than a soldier’s? Of course not, silly! Welcome to Post-Truth America, where any made-up fact that confirms people’s pre-existing feelings about someone or something magically becomes real, just by saying it. It’s well established that Mrs. Obama is regarded by not-at-all racist right-wingers as a pretentious, hectoring, anti-American accomplice of her feckless foreign husband with no understanding of the day-to-day concerns of ordinary citizens. Accordingly, to this segment of the population, it is entirely plausible that the First Lady would stroll onto a U.S. military base to tell a bunch of soldiers her privileged life is harder than theirs, and that makes it true. Except that it isn’t. In her Fort Campbell speech, Michelle Obama actually was quite gracious and humble in acknowledging that she didn’t know much about military life before Barack ran for president, but said that since then she’d been “awed and blown away” by stories she’d heard about the issues military families face. She then attempted to draw a loose analogy to her own personal experience as a political wife and mother, stating as follows: “Dealing with everything that I was dealing with — a spouse traveling, a job, kids — we didn’t deal with multiple moves, but I learned about the challenges that happen when you move from base to base to base. The way your kids have to adjust on a dime. And doing it knowing that the person you love is in harm’s way. And those stories moved me in a way that I didn’t expect.” After being run through Conservative Post’s Deploromatic Hate Accelerator, these sincere, heartfelt sentiments are translated as “My life is more difficult than yours.” And that provides a pretty good indication of the prospects for reuniting our polarized nation in the years ahead.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 4/10
Banality 7/10 • Vileness 8/10

Exhibit 0025

Trump’s Campaign Manager Makes Flip Offhand Remark

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. By Conservative Post’s unconservative definition, a “MASSIVE” news item is any temporally discrete event that occurred on Planet Earth between the dawn of man and the magical moment CP decided to turn it into clickbait.

3. Apparently it was “Take Your Obnoxious 19-Year-Old Son To Work Day” at the Post. But all those O’s and M’s don’t make this giant nothing-burger go down any better.

C. THE IMAGE

4. Hillary Clinton, looking aghast at some cataclysmic development that’s certain to turn the presidential race upside-down. Or maybe she’s stifling a cough — have you noticed that she’s been coughing a lot lately? People are saying she’s dying.

5. Donald Trump. Bold. Decisive. Not a sexual predator.

D. THE HEADLINE

6. Now, if you’re a reasonable person who follows politics, you may wonder how you could have missed “the biggest bombshell in U.S. election history” and are hearing of it for the first time on a lousy website’s Facebook page. Well, the answer is simple — Conservative Post is willing to write literally anything about literally anything in order to get eyeballs on its ads. Thus, CP’s epically explosive scoop turns out to be this: Donald Trump’s long-suffering campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, did a radio interview (CP doesn’t disclose where) in which she flippantly opined, “I think Donald Trump would challenge Hillary Clinton to another debate,” because “unless you are a money donor, you are not going to have much access to Hillary Clinton out on the stump.” In its article, CP translates this random rhetorical remark, quoted without context, as “DONALD TRUMP CHALLENGED HILLARY CLINTON TO A FOURTH DEBATE!!!” Even if it were true, this would be at most a minor story, buried in the ever-growing pile of inconsequential nonsense spewing out of the Trump campaign, since everyone knows a fourth debate is not going to happen. Though CP implies that Trump directed Conway to issue the alleged “challenge,” there’s no evidence of this; nor has Trump proposed another debate himself, perhaps because he’s finally run out of self-destructive things to say on national TV. Nevertheless, CP underscores its total break from reality by declaring that it “would love to see Donald Trump beat down Hillary for a 4th time” and asking its gullible, gun-rubbing readers if they think Clinton will accept the imaginary offer. The consensus among the ten angry loners who responded is that she won’t risk having a major medical episode on stage or being arrested for her crimes against humanity.

7. Clinton seems to have absorbed the bombshell pretty well — she must not have been shaken by Conservative Post’s melodramatic exclamation points and sound effects. Or maybe she’s too busy kicking Trump’s ass to worry about what comes out of his campaign manager’s mouth. Boom.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 10/10 • Idiocy 9/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 1/10

Exhibit 0023

Study of Methods to Fight Climate Change Proves That Climate Change Doesn’t Exist

Melting Earth

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Memo to right-wing nutjobs: just because you put something in all caps doesn’t make it true; and if everything is especially important, then, by definition, nothing is.

C. THE IMAGE

3. The Earth shown completely flat, as most conservatives assume it to be.

4. Using a picture of a superheated world to illustrate a story purporting to debunk global warming is an interesting choice.

5. God needs to wear gloves to pick up hot planet before molding it into fancy coaster.

6. If you think “Global Warming Hoax Finally Falling Apart” means the article advances some kind of an argument against global warming, you don’t fully appreciate Conservative Post’s willingness to sacrifice journalistic integrity for clicks.

D. THE HEADLINE

7. Conservatives call anything they don’t believe in “politically correct,” even if it also happens to be “actually correct.” The “NO PC” study trumpeted here is a report by the University of Michigan Energy Institute, funded by the petroleum industry, concluding that (surprise!) conventional fuels like gasoline are better for the environment than biofuels like ethanol. So if you back Big Oil, you’re a rebellious realist; but if you support Big Agriculture, you’re an obsequious ninny.

8. The HARD TRUTH for Conservative Post’s readers is that, once again, they’ve been played. The very premise of the UMEI study is that climate change is real and is significantly impacted by human activity. Whether one agrees with its results or not, the study’s objective was to determine which type of fuel production emits less climate change-inducing carbon dioxide, conceding that climate change itself, and the global warming it creates, is a serious issue. Nothing in the study suggests that climate change is a “hoax,” and CP’s brief article — lifted almost entirely from a story in the Detroit Free Press — doesn’t even try to assert otherwise. But not to worry — as long as a snowflake is spotted somewhere in the U.S. this winter, conservative climate deniers will have all the evidence they need.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 7/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 1/10

Exhibit 0010

Christian Walmart Shopper Irritated by Possibly Muslim Cashier

Walmart Mosque

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Spoiler Alert: nobody was beheaded.

3. The alleged “Christian” is former Republican congressman and current right-wing commentator Allen West, who shows his fidelity to Christ’s teachings by judging others, attacking those who disagree with him, and calling attention to himself at every opportunity.

4. “Encounters” — as in, “I hope one day Conservative Post encounters an editor with basic knowledge of the English language.”

5. It’s unclear whether the “Muslim cashier” at the focal point of this story actually is Muslim — an issue you’d think someone would want to nail down. According to the article, the only evidence of the cashier’s religious faith is his name, which, curiously, West didn’t feel the need to share. Instead, West winks to his nodding fans, “Let me just say it was NOT ‘Steve.'” By this logic, 322 million Americans are Muslim. God help the nation’s 3 million Steves.

6. The Walmart where this incident occurred is located in Dallas, Texas, a well-known hotbed of Islamic extremism and liberal political correctness.

C. THE IMAGE

7. One Muslim worker at one store means that Walmart has turned into a mosque. At least that’s the prevailing opinion over at Hobby Lobby Pentecostal Church.

8. Dodge Ram’s extra-large payload capacity makes it ideal for hauling stones to cast at heathens.

9. Burka-clad women need discounted Brawny paper towels, too.

10. Not pictured: hordes of Christmas shoppers celebrating Jesus’ birthday by trampling store greeter to death.

D. THE HEADLINE

11. Here’s what happens, if you’re Allen West: You walk into a Walmart to buy a few groceries, including alcoholic beverages, which you’ve become increasingly dependent upon to get through your bitter, lonely days. You go to a checkout cashier, and then another employee comes over and puts up a sign that says, “No alcohol products in this lane.” You look over at the young cashier, read his name tag, and conclude that he’s Muslim. You then assume that the reason you can’t purchase alcohol in the cashier’s lane is because selling alcohol would violate his Muslim beliefs. You speak to a store representative and are told that the cashier can’t sell alcohol because he’s under 21 years old. You don’t dispute that the cashier is under 21, but you refuse to accept that this is why you weren’t allowed to buy alcohol from him. You then write an asinine article about the episode on your crappy, popup-riddled website entitled “More Ominous Signs of Christian Persecution” (with the snappier URL “Sharia Law Comes to Walmart”), which is later regurgitated by Conservative Post. You then drink the alcohol that you were easily able to purchase from another Walmart cashier and reflect on what a bigoted, miserable bastard you’ve become.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 6/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 7/10