Exhibit 0002

Wasserman Schultz Suspected of Murder and Evidence Tampering After Home Not Raided by FBI

USA Politics Today Facebook Post

THE SOURCE

Don’t waste your time here.

THE IMAGE

Former Democratic National Committee Chairwoman and current Florida Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz, staring blankly ahead as she contemplates her imaginary crimes.

THE REVEAL

The FBI’s “unbelievable find” consisted of wireless routers, damaged hard drives, laptops, and toner discovered in a house owned by a former IT aide to Wasserman Schultz, not in Wasserman Schultz’s house.

THE STUPID

The dead body “tied” to Wasserman Schultz washed up on a beach in Hollywood, Florida a few months ago with a gunshot wound to the head. It belonged to a 37-year-old federal prosecutor, Beranton J. Whisenant Jr., who was highly regarded by his peers. The police subsequently determined that Whisenant committed suicide following an emotional conversation with his estranged wife about ending their marriage. This personal tragedy has nothing whatsoever to do with Wasserman Schultz, other than the fact that it happened to occur in her congressional district.

Although USAPT links the two stories, the federal investigation of Wasserman Schultz’s former IT aide, Imran Awan (who also worked for several other members of Congress), in Virginia is entirely unconnected to Whisenant’s suicide in Florida. Rather, the Awan case concerns alleged improper use of computer servers and bank fraud.

Because Awan is Muslim, right-wing conspiracy nuts theorize he was stealing U.S. government secrets to facilitate terrorism, with the support and assistance of Wasserman Schultz (because, as everyone knows, Jewish women love Islamic jihadists). However, Awan never had access to classified information, and there’s no evidence of any terrorist-related activity.

The FBI did not “raid” Awan’s house; it was cordially invited in by a U.S. Marine who rented the house from Awan. Awan’s tenant called authorities after he came across what he considered to be suspicious computer equipment left behind in the garage, and the FBI came to pick it up.

THE SCORE

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 6/10
Banality 4/10 • Vileness 8/10

Exhibit 0001

U.S. Military Plane Keeps Terrifyingly Safe Distance From Air Force One

Conservative Post Facebook Post

THE SOURCE

Don’t waste your time here.

THE IMAGE

President Obama and staff looking out the windows of “Trump’s” Air Force One. Conservative Post must have fallen behind on payments to its stock image provider.

THE REVEAL

The terrifying thing seen by Air Force One passengers was another U.S. military aircraft, an Air Force C-17, that was either escorting the president’s plane or flying on an unrelated mission to make America great again.

THE STUPID

The C-17 flew unusually close to Air Force One, but there was never any danger.

Air Force One was descending to land at Joint Base Andrews in Maryland, not in “mid-flight.”

Although a few people noticed the C-17, there’s no evidence that anyone was more frightened by it than by the fact that Donald Trump is president. The most dramatic comment made about the occurrence was that it seemed “strange.”

The history of the United States goes back 241 years, a dedicated presidential airplane has existed for only the last 72 of those years, and Conservative Post has no fucking idea whether a similar incident has ever happened before or not.

THE SCORE

Pandering 4/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 7/10 • Vileness 1/10