Trump’s Retroactively Approved Cave Bombing Terrifies World
A. THE SOURCE
1. Don’t waste your time here.
B. THE TEASE
2. We’d have thought it already was pretty well understood that a man who pretended to be a different person in order to promote himself, bragged about grabbing women’s genitalia, and threatened to throw his political opponent in jail is like NO OTHER PRESIDENT BEFORE, but it’s nice of the crack journalists at Conservative Post to nail it down. What’s more, CP exhibits unprecedented objectivity by coyly declining to characterize President Trump’s unlikeness as good or bad, if only because it believes this somehow will induce more clicks by jittery Trump fans alarmed at the possibility that one of their most reliable fake news distributors may have gone astray. They needn’t worry — the linked article is just as laughably slanted in Trump’s favor as the rest of CP’s illustrious body of work.
3. Things seem to be running fairly smoothly despite the world’s collective freak-out over President Trump. One might imagine, for example, scenes of rioting and mayhem in foreign cities, shrieking diplomats jumping off the roof of the United Nations, Vladimir Putin forming his first-ever facial expression, and the like. It’s hard not to feel a little deflated.
C. THE IMAGE
4. Mushroom cloud from a nuclear detonation. That’s right, for another hundred bucks in ad revenue, Conservative Post is willing to imply that President Trump ordered a nuclear strike on one of our adversaries, or (you can’t rule it out) one of our allies. Half of CP’s hyper-suggestible readers probably fell for it.
5. President Trump, looking slightly less orange than usual juxtaposed against a searing nuclear fireball.
D. THE HEADLINE
6. We just hit the 100-day mark of Trump’s presidency — if the world is panicking now, it’s never going to make it through the next eight years, and then it’ll totally miss out on civilization-ending climate change during the Pence Administration.
7. Ironically, if Trump had used a nuclear weapon, it wouldn’t be something that no other president has ever done before. But, alas, to the crushing disappointment of right-wing morons across America, what Trump did do is considerably less horrific. Trump — or, rather, free-wheeling U.S. military commanders acting on their own initiative without the President’s advance knowledge — deployed, for the first time, a very powerful “conventional” munition affectionately called, in loving memory of Saddam Hussein, the “Mother Of All Bombs.” The MOAB was unceremoniously dropped on a bunch of caves in eastern Afghanistan, allegedly killing three dozen ISIS fighters. President Trump was shown a cool video of the event afterward so he’d have some idea what he’d be taking credit for.
E. THE NUDGE
8. “Oh man”? Conservative Post appears to have run out of steam. Maybe it’s because the thing NO OTHER PRESIDENT HAS EVER DONE turns out to be not objecting after the fact to the use of a really big bomb against a handful of Afghan militants holed up in a remote mountain hideout, which virtually nobody else ever would have even become aware of if the Pentagon hadn’t blabbed about it to the media an hour later. Hopefully one of those generals Trump is smarter than will give him a heads-up before taking a similar action in North Korea.
Pandering 10/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 2/10 • Vileness 5/10