U.S. Neutralizes Russia by Sending Token Military Force to Poland
A. THE SOURCE
1. Don’t waste your time here.
B. THE TEASE
2. [Sigh …] No, it isn’t — unless you find ridiculously over-the-top exaggerations about the purported accomplishments of grossly incompetent, undemocratically-elected political leaders “amazing.”
3. Step aside, Abe Lincoln. Suck it, FDR. Donald Trump is the strongest president in U.S. history because he grudgingly approved a minor troop deployment to Eastern Europe in a symbolic attempt to gloss over his own indifference to Russian territorial expansion.
4. Surprisingly, on this occasion USA Politics Today has refrained from telling us how many hundreds of thousands of times we need to share its craptacular post in order to “send a message” to President Trump; but if we share it at all, we are deemed by virtue of USAPT’s clever hashtag translation to have formally acknowledged Trump’s unrivaled greatness, which may be used against us in a future legal action or divorce proceeding.
C. THE IMAGE
5. President Trump, carefully spelling out which methods of killing innocent babies will result in a U.S. missile strike, and which will not.
6. Trump’s elfin index finger is 1.8 inches long. No wonder Melania sleeps in her own bed.
D. THE HEADLINE
7. USA Politics Today hasn’t been this impressed by a presidential decision since Trump boldly used his 3-wood out of the rough at Mar-a-Lago last weekend.
8. Actually, President Trump (a.k.a. Defense Secretary Mattis) sent about 900 U.S. soldiers to northeastern Poland. The remainder of the multinational force consists of 150 British troops and 120 Romanians. Their official mission is to “deter aggression,” not “fight Russia.” But if a need to launch an attack arises, we’re sure that Trump will courteously call Putin an hour in advance to warn him.
9. Although this sounds like another vapidly asinine exclamation from a right-wing media site, it turns out to be a real quote from U.S. Army Lt. Colonel Steven Gventer, who heads the battle group. Which makes one wonder — are there situations in which our expensively equipped soldiers are only partially ready to be lethal? Or merely ready to be non-lethal? Regardless, the author of the linked article can’t contain his fabricated excitement, shouting out: “The world is going to be afraid from America again! We are going to be number one again! Trump will make America great! GOD BLESS AMERICA!” And God bless Poland, for believing it can count on Mr. Flexible to honor America’s international commitments when lethal-ready Russian tanks start massing on its borders.
Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 8/10 • Vileness 2/10