Toothless Trump Tweet Destroys Democratic Party
A. THE SOURCE
1. Don’t waste your time here.
B. THE TEASE
2. USA Politics Today doesn’t seem to realize that “the Dems” it thinks it’s smacking down aren’t actually in the room … or reading this Facebook post … or aware that USA Politics Today exists. Maybe it needs some more of those attention-grabbing asterisks.
3. That is to say, via Twitter — the official communications medium of disappointed “Walking Dead” fans, drunk rappers, resentful stay-at-home moms, and the 45th President of the United States.
4. America is great again — capitalize any word you want.
5. So, President Trump is diverting his fleeting attention from the vitally important business of running the country to personally endeavor to get a random right-wing article vapidly praising his combative governance shared 950,000 times? We intended to make a joke about how absurd that is, but, honestly, the only implausible element is that Trump’s target is less than a million.
6. Remember to use two exclamation points, or President Trump will publicly accuse you of wiretapping his phones.
C. THE IMAGE
7. Donald Trump’s enormous head. It looks like a giant chunk of lightly breaded salmon.
8. The gayest picture USA Politics Today could find of Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer.
9. Photoshopped breasts protruding from Senator Schumer’s chest … or at least we, uh, hope they’re photoshopped.
D. THE HEADLINE
10. Okay, are you ready? The ONE WORD Trump called Senate Democrats that will ruin them forever is … “disgraceful.” Yes, there’s clearly no way they can ever recover from that. It’ll be an adjustment moving to a one-party system, but the Democrats can’t continue fielding candidates after Trump pointed out their disgracefulness. To be precise, the damning word was “disgrace,” which the President used to describe what the Democrats are doing, rather than the Democrats themselves. Tweeth Trump: “It is a disgrace that my full Cabinet is still not in place, the longest such delay in the history of our country. Obstruction by Democrats!” Remarkably, this pithy missive — which, in a first for Trump, occurred before midnight — does not contain a single misspelling, ridiculous conspiracy theory, or comment on the appearance of Ted Cruz’s wife. But lest anyone overlook the tweet’s monumental significance, the author of the linked article explains that the Democrats are now finished “because it’s their DISGRACEFUL tactics that make the American people distrust them so freaking much.” In other words, Trump saying that the Democrats’ actions are a disgrace will destroy them because they are so disgraceful. You can’t argue with logic.
E. THE NUDGE
11. USA Politics Today has a pretty low bar for what’s “totally freaking nuts.”
12. The post trails off with an oddly coy unfinished sentence — “Donald Trump has been president for … ” Come on, USA Politics — don’t leave us hanging. Alas, there’s no way to find out how long the pre-impeachment Trump presidency has lasted without reading the insipid article, unless you have access to a calendar and enough fortitude to count the days since our cherished democracy formalized the biggest blunder in its history. Pick your poison.
Pandering 6/10 • Idiocy 7/10
Banality 9/10 • Vileness 3/10