Exhibit 0016

Clinton Wears Easily Identifiable Object Under Suit During Debate

Hillary Clinton at First Presidential Debate

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Amazing — after Crooked Hillary Clinton was able to cover her trail of corruption and scandal for decades, deviously avoiding any misstep that might expose her to ridicule and prosecution, Political Insider (or rather, some idiot on Twitter whose snarky tweet came to PI’s attention) finally was able to nail her for … uh … appearing on TV with something under her suit jacket that can be readily explained.

3. Political Insider runs so many baseless stories claiming that Clinton has engaged in some kind of impropriety, it gave “Hillary is a Criminal” its own dedicated Facebook page. In this latest installment, PI speculates that the purportedly mysterious object “people noticed” under Clinton’s jacket at the first presidential debate is either equipment for a hidden earpiece, or (we kid you not) a “cough suppression machine.” Besides not being what the object actually is (see below), neither of these things would, in fact, be “criminal,” no matter how many exclamation points PI puts at the end.

C. THE IMAGE

4. Memo to the brilliant detectives at Political Insider: what you’re seeing is the bodypack transmitter for the wireless microphone that Clinton wore on the front of her jacket. Donald Trump wore one too.

5. Pointing a bunch of arrows at something doesn’t magically turn it into something else.

6. In all the excitement, Political Insider overlooked Clinton’s illegal shoulder pads.

D. THE HEADLINE

7. Ah, “people” — where would conservative media be without them? “People” are always thinking things, observing things, and saying things that happen to coincide with the paranoid nonsense these sites spew out. Just take some absurd conspiracy theory, insert “People are saying” in front of it, and — voilà! — you’ve got another fake news item that Trump can toss to his baying deplorables like a dead squirrel.

8. In the article, Political Insider also finds it “baffling” that “Hillary seemed so ready with answers and detailed facts and, almost as bizarrely, she didn’t cough or reach for water once.” In other words, it is inconceivable to PI that, unlike Trump, Clinton actually was prepared for the debate, and that, contrary to the prevailing view in right-wing Walley World, she’s not on death’s door.

9. Um, with six fucking arrows pointing to it, it’s kind of hard to miss.

E. THE NUDGE

10. Political Insider is blown away by its own article. People are saying it’s great. But in another, more accurate sense, it’s hilariously stupid.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 10/10 • Idiocy 10/10
Banality 7/10 • Vileness 5/10

Exhibit 0015

Polls Show Trump Slightly Less Unpopular Than Mexico

Donald Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Do we really need the “J”? Or is Conservative Tribune worried that its undiscerning readers will confuse the pretend Republican presidential nominee with some other Donald Trump?

3. You can tell because the Dow has been falling at the exact same rate.

4. Hint: in Conservative Tribune’s special version of the English language, “someone” doesn’t necessarily mean a human being.

5. At least, geographically speaking.

6. The common expression “surprise, surprise” is usually sarcastic; so it sounds like Conservative Tribune is saying we should not be surprised that Trump isn’t beating Hillary Clinton — which, solely by accident, makes sense.

7. Trump is “stomping” (wait for it … ) Mexico. Not Michael Vick’s alter ego, Ron Mexico — the country Mexico. That’s right, Trump’s supporters are bragging that his historically low approval rating, while worse than Clinton’s, is still better than Mexico’s. Which would be terrific for Trump, if Mexico was running against him for President.

C. THE IMAGE

8. Donald Trump is also out-polling North Korea, and he’s within the margin of error against Uzbekistan.

D. THE HEADLINE

9. It’s not just the “libs” — according to Conservative Tribune’s own article, only about a third of Americans have a favorable opinion of Trump. And, at any given moment, and least half of them are drunk.

10. Again, not a person. Not even a carbon-based life form.

11. By “DESTROYED,” Conservative Tribune means that Trump’s abysmal 35% approval rating topped Mexico’s 22% approval rating. That’s like saying that malaria is more popular than Ebola. Or that both horrible diseases are more popular than Ted Cruz.

12. Notably, the question about Trump was asked in one poll, and the question about Mexico was asked in an entirely different poll, taken at a different time, by a different organization, making any meaningful comparison impossible.

13. Um … from Team Trump’s standpoint, wouldn’t it be better if it WAS Hillary? You know, Trump’s actual opponent?

E. THE NUDGE

14. Yes, “leftists everywhere” are fuming that Trump is viewed more favorably than Mexico in America. They’ll probably get over it, though, by the time Clinton moves into the White House.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 6/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 3/10 • Vileness 1/10

Exhibit 0014

Courageous White Supermodel Defends National Anthem on Instagram

Kate Upton

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Our hero is a fabulously wealthy supermodel / video game commercial actress who, wanting to be recognized for something other than her incredible hotness, boldly declared her love for the U.S. national anthem. She’s like a modern-day Rosa Parks.

C. THE IMAGE

3. All-American girl Kate Upton (gushingly described in the article as a “legendary figure,” no pun intended), looking forward to a brighter tomorrow when no one tries to make a statement by doing something different than everyone else around them.

4. Perfect, weed-free American grass, kept uniformly green by wholesome American chemicals. Things are better when they’re just one color.

5. Vigilant American dog, scanning the park for unvetted squirrels.

D. THE HEADLINE

6. Is Red State unaware that the conventional nomenclature is “supermodel,” or do they just think that Kate Upton is really good at modeling?

7. Not literally, of course, but on Instagram, where it’s a little easier to be “courageous” than, say, in the middle of a stadium filled with 60,000 people who think you’re a traitor.

8. Commenting on a picture of Miami Dolphins players taking a knee during the national anthem to protest racial injustice, Upton wrote that such gestures are “horrific” and “a disgrace to those people who have served and currently serve our country.” She really stuck her neck out — probably no more than 85% of the nation agrees with her. Lest anyone doubt Upton’s patriotism, this is a woman who has posed for glamour shots wearing an American flag bikini, holding American flags in front of her bare breasts, and with an American flag in her mouth. Sometimes research is not the hardest part of our job.

9. Upton’s proclamation actually wasn’t limited to 9/11. In a follow-up post, she made it clear that no one should ever sit or kneel during the national anthem, regardless of when it’s played. Upton further stated that “everyone should put their hands on their heart and be proud of our country for we are all truly blessed.” Too bad the national anthem wasn’t playing when Terence Crutcher was approached by the Tulsa Police.

E. THE NUDGE

10. Plenty of celebrities have audacity. What Red State really means is that they wish more celebrities had conservative views. Kate Upton improves the team photo, but it’s still a pretty thin bench.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 5/10 • Idiocy 4/10
Banality 8/10 • Vileness 1/10

Exhibit 0013

Unethical Partisan Anesthesiologist Pretty Sure Clinton Is Dying

Hillary Clinton Leaving 9/11 Memorial

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Capitalizing “Doctor” makes everything a doctor says extra-true, even if he’s talking out of his ass.

3. The doctor in question, a politically motivated, conspiracy theorizing anesthesiologist from Orlando, Florida named Ted Noel, didn’t “predict” anything about Hillary Clinton — he merely appeared in a slightly creepy self-made video offering his (literal) armchair assessment of Clinton’s present physical condition based on some stuff he’s seen on TV and the Internet. This startling evidence includes, among other telltale signs of deadly illness, the facts that Clinton occasionally coughs, nods when other people are speaking, and wears pantsuits.

4. It doesn’t appear that Dr. Noel needs much help spreading the word, as his video is already widely circulating throughout the deplorosphere.

5. It would be just like the mainstream media to bury a story that has utterly no informative value. Those biased elites shamelessly promote their “reality” agenda every chance they get.

C. THE IMAGE

6. Clinton’s bodyguard / paid assassin memorizing the names of conservative authors on his hit list.

7. Clinton’s traveling neurologist / electropulse implant manager asking a campaign aide if he can discretely get a hold of some jumper cables.

8. Clinton’s secret older sister, Rebecca Rodham, who escaped from the mental institution she was hidden away in for 53 years and now threatens to reveal the terrible truth about Hillary’s pact with the Devil.

9. Hillary Clinton, or Clinton’s body double, or Clinton’s clone, or Clinton’s reanimated corpse, or a cyborg constructed to look like Clinton, or … 

D. THE HEADLINE

10. BREAKING: right-wing websites have been pushing this garbage for months; the only thing new is that Clinton’s recent bout with non-terminal pneumonia has given them another opening.

11. “Diagnosed” normally implies that the person giving the diagnosis actually examined (or, you know, at least met) the patient. However, in this case, Dr. Noel comes up a bit short. Indeed, in his video, Noel readily admits, “I am not Hillary Clinton’s treating physician, so I can’t claim that what I’m about to tell you is a conclusive diagnosis,” before conclusively diagnosing that Hillary Clinton has advanced Parkinson’s disease. As long as he’s got the mic, Noel also wants his fans to know that he’s “firmly opposed to Hillary Clinton on political and moral grounds” because she “lies about everything.”

12. One wonders if any people who actually have Parkinson’s disease read World News Politics, and, if so, how they feel about WNP hyping the probability that it will kill them.

13. World News Politics can barely contain its excitement at the prospect of Clinton being gravely ill, but Dr. Noel is concerned about the potential consequences for America. Imagining a Clinton victory in November, he muses: “Our president must always be strong and clear-headed. If she is not doing the job, then who will? Will it be Huma Abedin, who has been associated with Muslim causes and directly involved in the Clinton Foundation corruption? Will it be Bill Clinton, who is at the center of the Clinton Foundation corruption? … Or will Vice President Tim Kaine take over? Of course, then the Clintons would lose their juice.” Exactly the type of questions you’d expect a responsible physician to be be asking, and well within the purview of the average anesthesiologist. Perhaps next, if he can find the time during his inevitable disciplinary hearing, Dr. Noel will tell us what really happened in Benghazi.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 6/10
Banality 4/10 • Vileness 8/10

Exhibit 0012

Mecca Crane Collapse Deemed Divine Retribution for 9/11

Lightning Strike Displaying Wrath of God

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Usually, if you have to tell your readers that something’s “amazing,” it’s not that amazing. And usually, if over 100 innocent people die in a tragic accident, your immediate reaction isn’t to be enthusiastically impressed.

C. THE IMAGE

3. Stock photo of lightning striking the countryside reminds us that God can be kind of a dick sometimes. However, in this case, static electricity was not the instrument of His benevolent wrath. See below.

D. THE HEADLINE

4. Which Muslim? Maybe God should smite Political Insider’s editor for not knowing how to write plural possessives.

5. This actually happened in 2015, although Political Insider wants its superstitious readers to think it was a few days ago. Even the article is coy about the date, stating that the incident occurred “on the most recent anniversary of the September 11th attacks,” without giving the year.

6. So, in response to the deaths of nearly 3,000 people in the United States by mostly Saudi nationals under the direction of Osama bin Laden, God did nothing for 14 years, allowing like-minded terrorists to continue murdering thousands of His children around the world. Then, on September 11, 2015 (after bin Laden himself was already at the bottom of the ocean), God created a powerful storm over Mecca, Saudi Arabia as the city was preparing for the annual Hajj pilgrimage. The unusually strong winds from God’s storm blew over a construction crane at Mecca’s Grand Mosque and caused it to fall onto a crowd of worshipers gathered below, killing 111. None of those who died had anything to do with 9/11; indeed, none of them was even Saudi Arabian. The country that suffered the most fatalities was Bangladesh, from which none of the 9/11 hijackers originated. Yet because the German-made crane was operated by the Binladin construction company, God felt that this arbitrary disaster served as a just and appropriate punishment for the 9/11 attacks.

E. THE NUDGE

7. We’ll save you 27 seconds of your life. The first few moments of the shaky cell phone video show a late afternoon sandstorm swirling around the Mecca mosque, and the rest is a chaotic jumble of terrified people trying to flee the scene. There’s no lightning, you can’t see the crane, and it’s impossible to tell what happened. The loving but vengeful God of Abraham fails to make an appearance. And, if you truly have a soul, you don’t feel one bit better about 9/11.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 9/10
Banality 1/10 • Vileness 9/10