Discerning Christians Spot Almighty God in Another Cloud
A. THE SOURCE
1. Don’t waste your time here.
B. THE TEASE
2. Believe what? That the all-knowing, all-powerful creator of the universe and final judge of mankind unexpectedly decided to reveal Himself in an oblique, transitory manner to an infinitesimal fraction of the world’s population for no apparent reason and without any perceptible consequence whatsoever? Or that Headline Politics is so desperate for clicks that it’s willing to stoke the grandiose religious fantasies of Bible-clutching Christians searching for some way to prove the existence of a supreme being whom they claim to follow by faith alone?
C. THE IMAGE
3. God. Or, at least, the strategically cropped portion of God that Headline Politics thinks is just enough to induce you to visit its horrible website to view the full photo. We’ve always pictured Him less … orange — although we might have said the same about our next president.
D. THE HEADLINE
4. If you look at one completely asinine thing today, it should be this. You won’t regret it, unless you place any value on rational thought.
5. Of course it’s “Himself” — now that America is great again, we don’t have to worry about PC deities. And by the way, when God’s not orange, he’s white, just so we’re clear on that.
6. The “incredible picture,” taken on the Portuguese island of Madeira by a weather blogger, shows a naturally occurring cloud formation, low on the horizon, illuminated by the early morning sun. According to the article, “some people” think it looks like the outstretched hand of God holding a fireball, because that’s just the kind of kick-ass thing God might do. If they’re right, then our Lord has long, gnarled, claw-like fingers and rather bad skin. As usual, God’s needlessly symbolic message is indecipherable; yet we can be sure the fireball doesn’t represent the threat of global warming, because the Old Testament assures us that for everything there is a season, or whatever. To balance its reporting, Headline Politics notes that less devout observers compared the arresting atmospheric phenomenon to “the iconic comet featured in the classic video game Final Fantasy VII.” But that’s just stupid.
Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 9/10
Banality 8/10 • Vileness 0/10