Exhibit 0030

Discerning Christians Spot Almighty God in Another Cloud

Hand of God Appearing in Clouds

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Believe what? That the all-knowing, all-powerful creator of the universe and final judge of mankind unexpectedly decided to reveal Himself in an oblique, transitory manner to an infinitesimal fraction of the world’s population for no apparent reason and without any perceptible consequence whatsoever? Or that Headline Politics is so desperate for clicks that it’s willing to stoke the grandiose religious fantasies of Bible-clutching Christians searching for some way to prove the existence of a supreme being whom they claim to follow by faith alone?

C. THE IMAGE

3. God. Or, at least, the strategically cropped portion of God that Headline Politics thinks is just enough to induce you to visit its horrible website to view the full photo. We’ve always pictured Him less … orange — although we might have said the same about our next president.

D. THE HEADLINE

4. If you look at one completely asinine thing today, it should be this. You won’t regret it, unless you place any value on rational thought.

5. Of course it’s “Himself” — now that America is great again, we don’t have to worry about PC deities. And by the way, when God’s not orange, he’s white, just so we’re clear on that.

6. The “incredible picture,” taken on the Portuguese island of Madeira by a weather blogger, shows a naturally occurring cloud formation, low on the horizon, illuminated by the early morning sun. According to the article, “some people” think it looks like the outstretched hand of God holding a fireball, because that’s just the kind of kick-ass thing God might do. If they’re right, then our Lord has long, gnarled, claw-like fingers and rather bad skin. As usual, God’s needlessly symbolic message is indecipherable; yet we can be sure the fireball doesn’t represent the threat of global warming, because the Old Testament assures us that for everything there is a season, or whatever. To balance its reporting, Headline Politics notes that less devout observers compared the arresting atmospheric phenomenon to “the iconic comet featured in the classic video game Final Fantasy VII.” But that’s just stupid.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 9/10
Banality 8/10 • Vileness 0/10

Exhibit 0029

Michelle Obama Insults U.S. Veterans by Relating to Struggles of Military Families

Michelle Obama at Event

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Does Conservative Post mean that the First Lady is out of touch with reality, or that she literally occupies another metaphysical plane of existence? Either way, the charge is ironic coming from a website that disputes evolution, denies global warming, and would readily report that Donald Trump is the last son of Krypton in order to garner a few more clicks before Facebook finally pulls the plug.

C. THE IMAGE

3. The most unflattering picture of Michelle Obama that Conservative Post could find on Google before happy hour. The First Lady’s hairstyle suggests it’s probably from 2013. We don’t know where the picture was taken, but it wasn’t at the event that is the subject of CP’s story. See below.

4. Giant arrow pointing to Michelle Obama, just in case Conservative Post’s slow-witted readers fail to realize that the only black woman in a photo illustrating a post about Michelle Obama is Michelle Obama.

5. Rahm Emanuel, wondering why the fuck he wanted to be Mayor of Chicago.

D. THE HEADLINE

6. The First Lady’s remarks were delivered to an audience of over 1,200 soldiers and family members at Fort Campbell, Kentucky during a joint appearance with Dr. Jill Biden to announce a new U.S. government initiative to help veterans and their spouses find jobs. This occurred on (wait for it … ) April 23, 2014 — two and a half years before Conservative Post recycled the story. CP’s article leaves out the date of Michelle Obama’s speech, creating the impression that it happened on this past Veterans Day, which was the day before the article ran.

7. She’s a woman, so we can just call her by her first name. Like Debbie in the typing pool.

8. Did Michelle Obama really claim her life is more difficult than a soldier’s? Of course not, silly! Welcome to Post-Truth America, where any made-up fact that confirms people’s pre-existing feelings about someone or something magically becomes real, just by saying it. It’s well established that Mrs. Obama is regarded by not-at-all racist right-wingers as a pretentious, hectoring, anti-American accomplice of her feckless foreign husband with no understanding of the day-to-day concerns of ordinary citizens. Accordingly, to this segment of the population, it is entirely plausible that the First Lady would stroll onto a U.S. military base to tell a bunch of soldiers her privileged life is harder than theirs, and that makes it true. Except that it isn’t. In her Fort Campbell speech, Michelle Obama actually was quite gracious and humble in acknowledging that she didn’t know much about military life before Barack ran for president, but said that since then she’d been “awed and blown away” by stories she’d heard about the issues military families face. She then attempted to draw a loose analogy to her own personal experience as a political wife and mother, stating as follows: “Dealing with everything that I was dealing with — a spouse traveling, a job, kids — we didn’t deal with multiple moves, but I learned about the challenges that happen when you move from base to base to base. The way your kids have to adjust on a dime. And doing it knowing that the person you love is in harm’s way. And those stories moved me in a way that I didn’t expect.” After being run through Conservative Post’s Deploromatic Hate Accelerator, these sincere, heartfelt sentiments are translated as “My life is more difficult than yours.” And that provides a pretty good indication of the prospects for reuniting our polarized nation in the years ahead.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 4/10
Banality 7/10 • Vileness 8/10

Exhibit 0028

White House Staff Seems Strangely Dismayed by Trump Victory

President Obama

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. The photo used for this post, which shows President Obama alone at the podium, isn’t the photo that Western Journalism is talking about, and doesn’t even appear in the article. In fact, there is no one photo that serves as the basis of WJ’s story.

3. What “instantly stood out” is just about as unexpected as Western Journalism duping its imbecilic readers yet again.

4. “President-Elect Trump” — no matter how many times we say it, it still sounds jarringly wrong. It’s like saying “Oscar Winner Lindsay Lohan,” or “Humanitarian of the Year Martin Shkreli,” or “Super Bowl Champion Cleveland Browns.” The next thing you know, Anthony Weiner will become Pope.

C. THE IMAGE

5. President Obama, watching his eight-year legacy of ending wars, rescuing the economy, and expanding heath care fly away. Thanks, Jim Comey — enjoy the rest of your day.

6. Bright red arrow pointing to absolutely nothing, which is what Obama’s successor will do to help the clueless idiots who voted for him.

D. THE HEADLINE

7. Conservative media sites like Western Journalism are loathe to take ownership of their own inane content. Instead of saying, “We noticed,” they say, “Everyone’s noticing.” But if everyone’s already noticing this, why does WJ feel the need to bring it to our attention?

8. The “photo” is actually a series of photos taken during an emotional Rose Garden address in which President Obama congratulated Donald Trump — a man who questioned his citizenship and accused him of intentionally helping terrorists destroy America — on his election victory and called for a smooth transition of power. The “1 BIG detail” readily apparent in these photos is that the White House staffers who gathered for the event look … sad. Or, as our next commander-in-chief might tweet, “SAD!” For some reason Western Journalism considers this entirely predictable reaction to putting the country in the hands of an unstable, egomaniacal buffoon surprising.

E. THE NUDGE

9. Western Journalism couldn’t even muster its usual misleading phrase here, resorting to a single orphaned adjective that gives away the bleakly mundane nature of its story. The full sentence, which appears as a caption under one of the photos shown in the article, is “Obama offers a gracious welcome to Trump, but his staff looks distressed.” Though WJ keeps its glee to a minimum, it takes a few half-hearted shots at smug members of the liberal media who failed to fully apprehend white Americans’ receptivity to a vacuous strongman, and also at Kenyan socialist / ISIS Founder Obama for nixing a photo-op with the current and future First Couples. Let the greatness begin.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 3/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 6/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0027

Obama Doesn’t Deny Fake Story That He’ll Flee U.S. If Trump Wins Election

President Obama

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. We’re truly shocked by the conditional language in this statement. President Obama “may” have a secret plan? “If” Donald Trump wins the election? These words imply actual nuance and doubt — an almost unheard-of phenomenon on the Right. Are you feeling okay, Conservative Tribune?

3. The only reason reporters thought the rumor was nonsense is that it came from an obviously fake article on a satirical website, demonstrating the mainstream media’s shameful bias against made-up news.

4. One sleep-deprived and possibly drunk reporter asked a sardonic question to White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest on Air Force One.

5. Josh Earnest has never said or done anything “chilling” in his entire life. In fact, there’s no evidence that Earnest has ever instilled a discernible emotion of any kind in another human being.

6. Wait — you mean Conservative Tribune isn’t going to divulge the rumor in its Facebook post so we can decide for ourselves whether the article is worth reading? It’s almost like they’re trying to make us click on the link in order to find out if this story is actually significant.

C. THE IMAGE

7. President Obama, darkly brooding about his nefarious scheme.

8. Gathering clouds of evil.

9. Kenya flag pin.

D. THE HEADLINE

10. If you think “EXPOSED” promises the disclosure of new information that brings some hidden truth to light, you’re in for an unpleasant surprise.

11. Good heavens — what could it be? Will Obama issue another unconstitutional executive order canceling the results of the election and imposing martial law? Unleash a wave of illegal Mexican immigrants to run down Trump supporters with their taco trucks? Surround the White House with a defensive cordon of Black Lives Matter activists and vengeful former beauty pageant contestants? No — according to Conservative Tribune, Obama’s secret plan is simply to leave the country, which you’d think CT’s spiteful readers would be overjoyed about. Of course, in reality — a concept conservatives seem alarmingly unfamiliar with — no such plan exists. The aforementioned “rumor” about Obama’s impending exit originated on an obscure Canadian satire site called The Burrard Street Journal, which ran a humorous article entitled “Obama Declares His Family Will Move to Canada If Trump Is Elected.” CT doesn’t mention the Burrard Street piece in its own entertaining story, but ironically questions whether Obama is “among those paranoid Americans riddled with fear over the GOP candidate’s potential presidency” and might decide to “jettison his nation” if Trump prevails. It appears to be the first time a conservative media outlet has acknowledged that America is Obama’s nation.

12. Here’s Josh Earnest’s super-scary response to the question of whether Obama intends to leave the United States: “He’s working very hard to make sure that nobody has to leave the country as a result of an electoral outcome that the President doesn’t support.” Hopefully no little kids heard that. We’re sleeping with the lights on tonight.

E. THE NUDGE

13. Yes, it’s so like Obama to do absolutely nothing to validate the deplorosphere’s latest nutty conspiracy theory. He even went so far as to lease an expensive new home in Washington D.C., where he claims that he and his family will reside after his term ends next year. He’s also kept his daughter Sasha enrolled at a Washington-area high school while his other daughter Malia prepares to attend Harvard, which, according to our research, is located somewhere in the U.S. Not to spoil CT’s sendoff, but unless this is all an elaborate ruse, it would seem that Obama is prepared to suffer through the Trumpocalypse along with the rest of us.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 7/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 5/10

Exhibit 0026

New FBI Email Review Makes Anything Said About Clinton True

FBI Director James Comey

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Well, that settles it. The only remaining question is whether Clinton will voluntarily turn herself in to authorities or go out in a Second Amendment blaze of glory.

3. The FBI is not reopening Hillary Clinton’s email investigation, because Clinton never investigated her emails. The FBI also is not reopening its own investigation of Clinton’s emails, which is what USA Politics’ pronoun-challenged editor is trying to falsely assert. Rather, the FBI is merely reviewing additional emails considered potentially pertinent to the Clinton matter that were discovered during a separate, unrelated investigation, as recently revealed to the public in the most confusing and prejudicial way possible.

4. USA Politics’ secret FBI decoder ring generated “immediately found evidence of hiding classified information” from the Bureau’s statement that it needs to review newly discovered emails “to determine whether they contain classified information.”

5. Evidently Clinton thought the perfect place to hide sensitive material was on the unsecured laptop of her aide’s sext-happy husband, then failed to disclose the preposterously implausible scheme.

6. Who is “I”? USA Politics wants its lonely, basement-dwelling readers to feel like they’re conversing with a personal friend, but the only author given for USAP’s article is the rather unfriendly-sounding “Conservative Army,” which is just another rabid right-wing website.

7. Tomorrow is November 1st — care to make a bet?

8. One has to wonder how USA Politics calculates its share requests. Why does it take 10,000 shares to stick it to the liberal media and not, say, 5,000, or 50,000? Is there some kind of a formula?

9. If Clinton’s demise is so obvious, why does it matter whether the liberal media admits it or not?

C. THE IMAGE

10. FBI Director James Comey, pointing to a free-floating concept of fairness that only he can see.

11. Seal of federal department Comey forgot he works for.

12. Flag of nation that might get saddled with an inconceivably unqualified president because a self-obsessed bureaucrat is oversensitive to partisan second-guessing.

13. Picture of Hillary Clinton behind bars, ripped from the insane fantasies of hate-filled hicks. Note that Clinton is wearing the kind of striped prison uniform that hasn’t been in use since the 1930s, which tells you a lot about the age demographic of her opponent’s supporters. Donald Trump is going to make jailhouse garb great again.

D. THE HEADLINE

14. So, if we understand correctly, the Director of the FBI, in total disregard of the U.S. Constitution, obtained unilateral power to incarcerate a major party’s nominee for president, and, based on evidence that he isn’t sure is significant and hasn’t yet reviewed, decided to exercise this power against Hillary Clinton just a few days before this year’s election; yet Clinton somehow remains at large and continues to appear at public events around the country.

15. It’s funny because it’s ridiculously untrue. And it gets even better in the article, which USA Politics begins with a breathless bulletin in broken English that sounds like it was drafted by the Kremlin: “You have to read about FBI. This is how much Hillary is deep in crime and dark methods of hiding evidence and destroying proofs that shows how crooked she is! FBI finally reopened her case, so we hope finally she will end up in jail!” But wait — hasn’t the FBI already decided to throw Clinton in jail? Here USAP becomes a bit more cautious, explaining that while “this could finally be the evidence America needs to put Hillary away for good … it’s still too early to tell.” If only she’d hold up a bank or something — by God, we’d have her then. Let’s get 100,000 shares for that.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 10/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 2/10 • Vileness 5/10