Exhibit 0001

U.S. Military Plane Keeps Terrifyingly Safe Distance From Air Force One

Inside Air Force One


Don’t waste your time here.


President Obama and staff looking out the windows of “Trump’s” Air Force One. Conservative Post must have fallen behind on payments to its stock image provider.


The terrifying thing seen by Air Force One passengers was another U.S. military aircraft, an Air Force C-17, that was either escorting the President’s plane or flying on an unrelated mission to make America great again.


The C-17 flew unusually close to Air Force One, but there was never any danger.

Air Force One was descending to land at Joint Base Andrews in Maryland, not in “mid-flight.”

Although a few people noticed the C-17, there’s no evidence that anyone was more frightened by it than by the fact that Donald Trump is President. The most dramatic comment made about the occurrence was that it seemed “strange.”

The history of the United States goes back 241 years, a dedicated presidential airplane has existed for only the last 72 of those years, and Conservative Post has no fucking idea whether a similar incident has ever happened before or not.


Pandering 4/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 7/10 • Vileness 1/10

Exhibit 0050

Comey Dismissed by Trump in Hilariously Disrespectful and Unprofessional Manner

FBI Director James Comey


1. Don’t waste your time here.


2. 98% of America doesn’t give a shit.

3. It’s not a “message” — it’s a childish, poorly written article about how FBI Director James Comey was fired by President Trump, based on material that’s already been extensively and much more credibly reported elsewhere, with an asinine twist. And there isn’t a single rational human being, or even a single Trump supporter, on Planet Earth who needs to view it “immediately” — or, indeed, ever — because that ill-advised decision would be a totally wasted expenditure of neurological activity.

4. 600,000 shares? That might be a new alt-right record. Dream bigly, Liberty Writers. If you garner even a tenth of that, we’ll click on your ad for a weird new device that’s making plastic surgeons furious and check out what Blair from “The Facts of Life” looks like now.

5. Also thank Trump for suddenly changing his story about why he fired Comey while hanging his entire communications staff out to dry and obstructing an investigation into actions of a foreign adversary that undermine American democracy and threaten U.S. national security.


6. FBI Director Comey, wondering if he should send another letter to members of Congress informing them of a dream he had last night about Hillary Clinton’s emails.

7. Despite Liberty Writers’ surreptitious hue adjustment, Comey still looks more nauseous than “scarlet.”

8. Although Liberty Writers wants us to think this photo captures the exact moment Comey found out he’d been canned, it actually was taken two months ago, when Comey still had the pleasure of working for an absurdly insecure egomaniac.


9. No part of this story occurred “before” Trump fired Comey, since it’s about how Trump fired Comey.

10. Here’s where things get a little more confusing. The linked article initially suggests that President Trump’s “secret message” to Comey was a news report about his dismissal that Comey saw on TV while he was giving a speech to FBI agents in Los Angeles, which is pretty much the opposite of “secret.” The article’s author, presumed Macedonian “Paris Swade” (who describes himself as “the best writer on the Internet” and boasts that he “helped get Donald Trump elected President” but for his own reasons has chosen to use the most obviously made-up name in history) is amused by the unusual sequence of events. Showing off his unparalleled literary skills, Swade elegantly writes, “Hahahaha. This dude literally found out that he was fired from watching the television.” The article then reproduces the termination letter from Trump that Comey didn’t actually receive until he returned to Washington, highlighting the first letters of four lines of text running vertically down the left margin — “I,” “W,” “i,” and “n”, which spells out “I Win” — get it? (This clever decoding is all the more impressive when you consider that English almost certainly is not Mr. Swade’s first language.) So evidently that is Trump’s “secret message.” Alas, the gleeful gloatation is garbled by the inconvenient interposition of three other lines of text between the “I” line and the “Win” lines starting with the letters “t,” “I,” and “r”, making the full message “It Ir Win.” Perhaps that means something in Macedonia.

11. Interestingly, the URL for the linked article refers to Comey turning “crimson.” Editors — sheesh.


12. More masterful prose from Paris. Yes, it’s “frickin’ amazing” that our immature, unstable president chose the most classless and unprofessional way he could think of to dismiss a dedicated civil servant who, despite making some well-known errors in judgment, provided years of loyal service to our nation. Good luck to the poor bastard who comes next.


Pandering 6/10 • Idiocy 6/10
Banality 7/10 • Vileness 5/10

Exhibit 0049

Liberals Opposed to Expanding Costly Afghan War Apparently Love Terrorists

MOAB Device and President Trump


1. Don’t waste your time here.


2. “People on the left” = pollster / political consultant Frank Luntz, BuzzFeed deputy news director Tom Namako, BuzzFeed foreign and national security editor Miriam Elder, actress Grace Parra, and Washington Post staff writer Tom McKay — clearly a “who’s who” of the liberal elite.

3. “Unmasked” is conservatives’ new favorite word, because it’s the term used to describe the routine and entirely proper identification of American citizens incidentally caught up in legally authorized surveillance that President Trump’s defenders believe somehow excuses his election campaign’s treasonous collusion with Russia.

4. So, just to be clear, The Federalist Papers is not speaking figuratively here — FP asserts that Luntz, Namako, Elder, Parra, and McKay literally support terrorists. And yet, incredibly, they all still have stable, well-paying jobs. The U.S. economy must be in better shape than we thought.

5. Unlike that wuss Obama, President Trump had the guts to pick up the phone when someone from the Pentagon called to report that U.S. military commanders decided without previously consulting him to drop the “Mother Of All Bombs” on a bunch of caves in Afghanistan.

6. “Bombing the mess out of ISIS” = killing three dozen ISIS fighters. Guess it wasn’t that big a mess.

7. Yes, it’s important to share this with as many people as possibly. English is hard; blowing things up is easy.

8. We’ve always wondered what liberals are REALLY like. When we close our eyes and try to visualize them, all we see is Amy Schumer cutting her toenails.


9. MOAB device, painted orange in honor of our new president.

10. Not Afghanistan.

11. President Trump, looking like he’s been punched in the face by Amy Schumer.


12. It’s about time liberals came clean about their pro-terrorist sympathies. Now maybe they can admit that climate change is a hoax and that poor people don’t deserve health care.

13. Putting aside the fact that not even the most die-hard Trump supporters think ISIS was “devastated” by the MOAB media stunt, let’s examine how “the libs” ostensibly expressed their love for terrorists in response (via Twitter, naturally). As cited in the linked article, Frank Luntz stated, “I never expected to see so much opposition to bombing ISIS.” (Notably, Luntz did not say that he was opposed to bombing ISIS). Tom Namako asked, “Why did we use this massive bomb? Was anyone injured who was not an intended target? Why does this information need to be leaked out?” Namako’s BuzzFeed colleague, Miriam Elder, churlishly replied, “Why are you asking these pesky questions instead of Worshiping The Bomb, Tom?” Grace Parra opined that the prior U.S. strike on Syria was “a gateway drug for Trump.” And Tom McKay exclaimed (presumably with tongue in cheek), “We are all going to die.” No offense to ISIS, but it really needs to work on its fan club.


14. Calling something “another successful job” implies that there has been a prior successful job. We’ll wait for Sean Spicer to check on that and get back to us. In the meantime, we’ll simply observe that President Trump’s post-approved cave obliteration was such a success in destroying ISIS that the Pentagon now believes it might need to send several thousand more troops to Afghanistan to destroy ISIS. The libs sure aren’t going to like that — but what do you expect?


Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 7/10
Banality 6/10 • Vileness 8/10

Exhibit 0048

Trump’s Retroactively Approved Cave Bombing Terrifies World

Bomb Blast and President Trump


1. Don’t waste your time here.


2. We’d have thought it already was pretty well understood that a man who pretended to be a different person in order to promote himself, bragged about grabbing women’s genitalia, and threatened to throw his political opponent in jail is like NO OTHER PRESIDENT BEFORE, but it’s nice of the crack journalists at Conservative Post to nail it down. What’s more, CP exhibits unprecedented objectivity by coyly declining to characterize President Trump’s unlikeness as good or bad, if only because it believes this somehow will induce more clicks by jittery Trump fans alarmed at the possibility that one of their most reliable fake news distributors may have gone astray. They needn’t worry — the linked article is just as laughably slanted in Trump’s favor as the rest of CP’s illustrious body of work.

3. Things seem to be running fairly smoothly despite the world’s collective freak-out over President Trump. One might imagine, for example, scenes of rioting and mayhem in foreign cities, shrieking diplomats jumping off the roof of the United Nations, Vladimir Putin forming his first-ever facial expression, and the like. It’s hard not to feel a little deflated.


4. Mushroom cloud from a nuclear detonation. That’s right, for another hundred bucks in ad revenue, Conservative Post is willing to imply that President Trump ordered a nuclear strike on one of our adversaries, or (you can’t rule it out) one of our allies. Half of CP’s hyper-suggestible readers probably fell for it.

5. President Trump, looking slightly less orange than usual juxtaposed against a searing nuclear fireball. 


6. We just hit the 100-day mark of Trump’s presidency — if the world is panicking now, it’s never going to make it through the next eight years, and then it’ll totally miss out on civilization-ending climate change during the Pence Administration.

7. Ironically, if Trump had used a nuclear weapon, it wouldn’t be something that no other president has ever done before. But, alas, to the crushing disappointment of right-wing morons across America, what Trump did do is considerably less horrific. Trump — or, rather, free-wheeling U.S. military commanders acting on their own initiative without the President’s advance knowledge — deployed, for the first time, a very powerful “conventional” munition affectionately called, in loving memory of Saddam Hussein, the “Mother Of All Bombs.” The MOAB was unceremoniously dropped on a bunch of caves in eastern Afghanistan, allegedly killing three dozen ISIS fighters. President Trump was shown a cool video of the event afterward so he’d have some idea what he’d be taking credit for.


8. “Oh man”? Conservative Post appears to have run out of steam. Maybe it’s because the thing NO OTHER PRESIDENT HAS EVER DONE turns out to be not objecting after the fact to the use of a really big bomb against a handful of Afghan militants holed up in a remote mountain hideout, which virtually nobody else ever would have even become aware of if the Pentagon hadn’t blabbed about it to the media an hour later. Hopefully one of those generals Trump is smarter than will give him a heads-up before taking a similar action in North Korea.


Pandering 10/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 2/10 • Vileness 5/10

Exhibit 0047

Apocalyptic War With North Korea Will Be Totally Awesome

Kim Jong Un and North Korean Threat


1. Don’t waste your time here.


2. They’re actually not “spy pictures” — they’re commercial satellite photos that Conservative Tribune appears to be using without permission.

3. Conservative Tribune put “PROVE” in all-caps, so there’s no denying President Trump’s exact-o-rightness now. Trump magnificently displayed his bold leadership by sending a fleet of warships that nobody else would call an “armada” farther away from North Korea, then lying to the world about it for a week.

4. Spoiler Alert: they didn’t.

5. It must be really tough being president, trying to decide when is the right time to crush uncooperative foreign nations. In the case of North Korea, however, you have to wonder what’s holding Trump back from green-lighting such a simple and effective solution. Are we out of MOABs already? Does Jared need more time to put on his flak jacket? Or is Trump just waiting until he’s finished his chocolate cake?


6. Precision-marching North Korean army soldiers who love their Dear Leader precisely as much as they love not being fed to his dogs.

7. Eternal Ruler of the People’s Glorious Revolution and three-time DPRK hot dog eating champion Kim Jong Un, who instructed his personal team of follicle technicians to shorten his eyebrows to the length of his lower lip, then had them all shot because one of them spilled his mai tai and probably also was a Western imperialist.

8. Orange and black mushroom cloud that Conservative Tribune suggests is from a North Korean nuclear blast but which looks more like a fireball from a plane crash at the Paris Air Show.


9. Here’s an exceedingly rare instance in which Conservative Tribune’s post actually seems understated. You’d think an imminent nuclear castasrophe would warrant all-caps for that “alert” — perhaps even an exclamation point. CT got more excited about Hillary Clinton coughing during last year’s presidential election than it appears to be about the potential annihilation of millions of people by two fat egomaniacs. It must be saving its ink for new revelations about Benghazi.

10. North Korea’s “apocalyptic plans” were to perform another nuclear test deep underground, which, frankly, doesn’t sound like much of an apocalypse, except maybe for earthworms. But it turns out that the only activity conducted at the test site was a spirited volleyball game, captured in subsequent satellite photos (seriously). North Korea later botched a hastily-ordered ballistic missile test, proving that bark-fed aerospace engineers sometimes lose focus under pressure.

11. You’ve gotta admit, “Day of the Sun” is a catchy title for North Korea’s spectacular Kim cultebration. If it rains, the parade committee beats a randomly-selected weatherman to death with umbrellas at Pyongyang National Stadium.


12. Conservative Tribune ends on a foreboding note, pretending to be worried about what lies ahead, but it knows very well that the creepy weirdos who visit its site would welcome a full-scale nuclear war if it meant they could finally get a return on the thousands of dollars they’ve sunk into their moldering doomsday shelters and the satisfaction of watching their snowflake neighbors literally melt before their eyes. President Trump is going to make Armageddon great again.


Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 2/10 • Vileness 7/10