Exhibit 0037

Failed Trump-Ordered Military Strike Spells Doom for Terrorists

Military Unit and President Trump

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. You can’t go wrong asking God to bless our troops — just make sure it’s the kick-ass God of the Old Testament, and not that wussy New Testament “Prince of Peace.”

C. THE IMAGE

3. Stock photo of some random military unit that’s not the Navy SEAL team sent to Yemen in the counter-terrorism operation celebrated in this post, deploying from a helicopter that’s not the chronically unreliable $75 million V-22 Osprey that malfunctioned during the attack and had to be destroyed.

4. Tough-talking commander-in-chief with no military experience who relied upon dubious draft deferments to avoid risking his neck in the Vietnam War.

D. THE HEADLINE

5. We’re sure the men and women of America’s armed forces who’ve spent the last 15 years decimating al Qaeda and driving back ISIS appreciate USA Politics’ assertion that our effort to eradicate these global terrorist organizations has “just begun.”

6. Trump send troops … Trump smash … Not to ruin the mood, but the raid actually was conceived and planned during the Obama Administration. The mission was delayed for operational reasons, and President Obama declined to approve it before he left office. Then newly inaugurated President Trump, determined to make Yemen great again, gave the green light in between critical tweets about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s low ratings on “The Apprentice.”

7. The raid was deadly, all right — in addition to a dozen or so militants, a SEAL team member was killed, along with 23 innocent civilians, including women and children. Three other SEALs were wounded.

8. The exclamation point really puts an exclamation point on this story. Unfortunately, the mission (which, factoring in the loss of our aircraft, blew around $100 million) was a near-total disaster. While some useful intelligence allegedly was obtained, U.S. forces were detected before they reached the enemy compound, sparking the fatal firefight, and failed to capture their prime target — the leader of al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula. Moreover, due to the high civilian death toll, the Yemeni government is now reconsidering allowing the United States to conduct operations at will inside its sectarian mess of a country. But it’s unpatriotic to dwell on the human and economic costs of military action. USA Politics’ article admonishes us, in its customary broken English, that “we have to pay that price if we want to leave [sic] in secured world and if we want US to be safe. The freedom and liberty comes always with a price! That’s why we always should pay huge respect and love to our soldiers!” Next time, when President Trump has a chance to plan his own mission from scratch, we’ll carpet bomb the bastards, seize their non-existent oil, and waterboard them until they agree to sell Ivanka’s dresses.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 7/10 • Idiocy 5/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 2/10

Exhibit 0036

Extensive Travel Proves Obama Was Laziest President in History

President Obama

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. If Freedom Daily can name one media outlet that declared Barack Obama to be “the greatest president ever,” we’ll wear Donald Trump’s Chinese sweatshop ties for the rest of the year.

3. The “new report” is a press release by Judicial Watch, a conservative advocacy group, alleging that travel expenses incurred by President Obama and the First Family totaled approximately $100 million during Obama’s two terms in office. Is that an unreasonable amount for eight years, given the considerable logistical and security demands of a modern, internationalist presidency? Who knows? The press release fails to provide any context whatsoever.

4. It’s always fun to watch the media choke on their lies — especially the fake news purveyors at CNN and the Failing New York Times. Someone get Glenn Thrush a glass of water.

5. Yes, truly brutal. How will Obama ever be able to defend his legacy in the face of this meaningless, inconsequential story that won’t be credited by anyone who doesn’t hate him already? We’re sure he’s nervously ruminating about that while kite surfing with Richard Branson in the British Virgin Islands.

C. THE IMAGE

6. Barack Obama, in a photo intended to make him look extra lazy, superimposed against a background intended to make him look extra black.

D. THE HEADLINE

7. By “official,” Freedom Daily means “made up.”

8. The only part that’s true — Obama was named in the Judicial Watch press release about presidential travel expenses — which actually makes this one of Freedom Daily’s most accurate posts of all time.

9. Judicial Watch did not name Obama “the laziest president in American history.” It did not call Obama “lazy,” or even use the word “lazy” at all. It simply criticized Obama for imposing what it deemed “unnecessary” vacation and political travel costs on U.S. taxpayers.

E. THE NUDGE

10. Freedom Daily’s readers aren’t likely to hear about how good a job Obama did for America, because the only people they listen to are those who agree with them that Obama was terrible.

11. The linked article, from another conservative site called “Yes I’m Right” but probably written by an enterprising teenager in Macedonia, actually says “show them shit post,” which is either an amusing typo, or a rare moment of candor. The article proceeds to list several of Obama’s most egregious offenses, including driving a “racial wedge” between Americans, “spiting and shunning our greatest allies,” and promoting “pro-radical Islamic ideologies.” It then adds, based on the Judicial Watch press release, that Obama “took the most vacations and spent the most money that any president ever has.” However, Judicial Watch did not compare Obama’s travel expenses to those of other presidents and made no assertion that Obama vacationed more or spent more than his predecessors. Freedom Daily could have dug up these facts itself and written its own article about Obama’s purported laziness, but evidently that would have been too much work.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 9/10 • Idiocy 8/10
Banality 7/10 • Vileness 7/10

Exhibit 0035

Obama Surrenders U.S. Sovereignty to United Nations

President Obama Addressing United Nations

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. President Obama’s remarks were perfectly clear; but just to be on the safe side, Freedom Daily paraphrased them to imply something totally different.

3. Conservatives are really mad about how cowardly, foreign-born, un-American Muslim terrorist sympathizer Barack Hussein Obama is trying to undermine and delegitimize the impending presidency of Donald Trump.

4. By “just said,” Freedom Daily means, “said almost four months ago.”

C. THE IMAGE

5. President Obama addressing the United Nations on September 20, 2016. He looks as if he’s been suddenly silenced by a haunting premonition that something terrible is going to happen in a few weeks that will destroy all his achievements … but what?

6. American flag pin that Obama had to relinquish to our new U.N. overlords before he left the building.

7. News network that conservative editors hate until they need a good screen grab.

D. THE HEADLINE

8. The United Nations surely would have appreciated such a gracious offer; however, President Obama actually said as follows: “We can only realize the promise of this institution’s founding — to replace the ravages of war with cooperation — if powerful nations like my own accept constraints. Sometimes I’m criticized in my own country for professing a belief in international norms and multilateral institutions. But I am convinced that in the long run, giving up some freedom of action — not giving up our ability to protect ourselves or pursue our core interests, but binding ourselves to international rules over the long term — enhances our security.” Notably absent are the words “submit” and “world government” — but other than that, Freedom Daily’s headline is right on the money.

E. THE NUDGE

9. Freedom Daily couldn’t throw together a hyper-reactionary hit piece attacking the Obama Administration for refusing to block the recent United Nations resolution condemning Israel fast enough, so it looked for something else relating to the U.N. in its bulging Black Helicopter file and came up with this dated story from another right-wing media site about Obama’s otherwise forgettable speech before the General Assembly last fall. But if you click on the link, you’ll be treated to an exciting pop-up ad for a “controversial military flashlight now available to the public” and an urgent message that you need to update your Windows drivers. Take that, Illuminati!

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 6/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 5/10

Exhibit 0034

Dazed Little Girl Adorably Guns Down Defenseless Deer With AR-15

Little Girl After Shooting Deer

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. Using. A. Period. After. Each. Word. In. A. Sentence. Is. Really. Fucking. Annoying. But consider the statement at face value. Doug Giles, the obnoxious ass behind Clash Daily, a grown man with a (presumably despondent) wife and two adult children, counts among his heroes a seven-year-old girl he’s never met because she slaughtered a deer for fun with a rifle bigger than she is at the urging of her own moronic redneck father. Certainly nothing strange about that.

3. 100,000 likes and shares? Wow — Clash Daily is really shooting for the moon, no pun intended. That’s probably more page views than CD gets in an entire month. But you’ve gotta love the transparently phony appeal. It’s not about driving traffic to CD’s website; it’s about celebrating this delightful, violence-affirming story with your freedom-loving friends. Don’t do it for Doug — he doesn’t care about exposure or ad revenue — do it for that plucky little girl.

4. That would be just like the Libs, wouldn’t it? But it seems more likely that if liberals were going to “eviscerate” anyone in this drama, it would be the girl’s father — not for the mere act of hunting, but maybe for, you know, giving a seven-year-old an AR-15 and the unforgettable experience of killing an innocent creature before she’s old enough to weigh the ethics for herself or fully understand the gravity of what she’s done.

C. THE IMAGE

5. Lilly Klapper, age seven. Lilly’s proud dad told the Daily Mail (which spared Clash Daily the inconvenience of having to do its own reporting) that she’s been shooting since she was five, and he felt she was “prepared” to kill her first harmless animal. No word yet on when the training wheels are coming off her bike.

6. Gap where Lilly recently lost her baby teeth.

7. Lilly’s kiddie camouflage outfit, designed to make a small child who might wander off in the woods virtually invisible to parents, search parties, or drunken fellow deer hunters.

8. Lilly’s AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifle, the civilian version of the U.S. Army’s standard M16 and weapon of choice for constitutionally protected mass shootings. Cold dead handers reject using the word “assault” to describe the AR-15 because the rifle is not fully automatic; yet it is still capable of firing 50 rounds per minute, and can be legally modified to fire over 100 rounds per minute. Anyone on the receiving end of that probably feels “assaulted.”

9. Lilly’s super-responsible father, Cody Klapper, who, of course, resides in Texas. His “Duck Dynasty” beard is coming along nicely. Klapper says he hopes Lilly’s horrifying accomplishment “inspires other parents to get their children into the outdoors.” Evidently nature walks weren’t inspiring enough.

D. THE HEADLINE

10. Klapper claims that the heartwarming video he made of his daughter getting her first taste of blood lust has had 1.4 million views; but according to YouTube, the video has only 241,000 views. So we’re unable to definitively state just how messed up this country is. We can say, however, that we deeply regret enduring one of those views.

11. Does “SHOOTING” really need to be emphasized here? We don’t think anybody who sees the featured photo is going to think she hugged the deer.

12. Yes, there’s nothing funnier than watching a little girl carefully line up her kill shot, pull the trigger of her rifle, and then react with bewilderment as her father exclaims, “You got her! You got her, baby!” It’s a fucking laugh riot.

E. THE NUDGE

13. Putting the “BAM” to Bambi. Heh-heh … that’s great. Lilly’s prey was an adult doe, so maybe it was actually Bambi’s mother. Lest anyone doubt that Lilly hit the target, Klapper also posted soul-crushing photos of her gleefully posing with the deer’s blood-stained carcass. Too bad she can’t drag it to her second grade class for show and tell.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 8/10 • Idiocy 7/10
Banality 5/10 • Vileness 10/10

Exhibit 0033

Scientists Warning About Climate Change Are Modern-Day Nazis

Snowy Street

A. THE SOURCE

1. Don’t waste your time here.

B. THE TEASE

2. So it turns out that there actually are universities in Alabama (we checked). But in case you haven’t heard of Dr. Roy Spencer, he’s a creationist who signed a declaration stating that climate change is nothing to be concerned about because “Earth and its ecosystems — created by God’s intelligent design and infinite power and sustained by His faithful providence — are robust, resilient, self-regulating, and self-correcting, admirably suited for human flourishing, and displaying His glory.” Hooray!

3. “Climate-extremist establishment” sounds like an oxymoron. How can “extremists” be merged with the “establishment”? Extremists usually challenge the establishment, which is thought to represent prevailing wisdom or mainstream views. But we doubt InfoWars gave it that much thought.

4. “Climate Nazis” — now that’s catchier. And clearly accurate, too, for the parallels between scientists who endorse the reality of human-induced climate change and fanatical German ultranationalists who exterminated six million Jews are undeniable. Inexplicably, however, the Jewish Anti-Defamation League disagrees, condemning Spencer’s comparison as “outrageous and deeply offensive.”

C. THE IMAGE

5. Existence of snow at some moment in time, somewhere on the face of the Earth, invalidates thousands of studies showing that temperatures worldwide have been rising precipitously for the last several decades.

6. Dog’s shaggy fur provides additional evidence that the world is plenty cold; but he still won’t be allowed back in the house until he finishes shoveling that sidewalk.

D. THE HEADLINE

7. “Green Gestapo” — the memorable monikers keep coming from InfoWars. May we suggest “Heatwave Hitlers”? “Thermal Thought Police”? “Fahrenheit Fascists”?

8. According to the article, this alleged slander came from certain unnamed members of the Climateriat who wrote in “an obscure journal” that anyone doubting mankind’s role in causing climate change should be regarded as suffering from “identity-protective cognition” and “conspiracist ideation.” Totally debunking the claim that climate deniers are hyper-defensive and prone to believe in wild conspiracies, InfoWars responds: “The intellectual pygmies who are the inheritors of the dictators, conveniently forgetting the 250 million people whom communist and fascist socialism sent to their deaths in the 20th century, are now whining that we who have exposed their climate scam should be locked away in state psychiatric prisons, there to be ‘re-educated’ to cure us of the wicked notion that science, not politics, is the way to determine the magnitude (if any) and cost (if any) of the climate problem (if any).” That’ll set ’em straight.

E. THE NUDGE

9. We’re used to these random unfinished sentences, but not even an ellipse? InfoWars just isn’t trying anymore. For the record, the end of the sentence, which serves as the article’s subtitle, is “culpable insanity” — another oxymoronic, made-up term. But kudos to IW’s Wingnut Emeritus, Alex Jones, for taking a courageous stand against the oppressive forces of science and reason; we’ll toss him a life preserver if we spot him a few years from now struggling to stay afloat in our new God-ordained global ocean.

NITWITIA SCORES

Pandering 3/10 • Idiocy 7/10
Banality 3/10 • Vileness 6/10